Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Mindless babble in the middle of the night...(started at 2:30 in the morning)

I was with friends and their sets of children all day today. At the end of the day when it was just two of my friends we started talking about parenting; our differing opinions on punishment, guilts, triumphs and general things that one doesn't hear about until one is faced with caring for a child.

As Marc and I's wedding day approaches the idea of us starting a family hangs heavy on my mind. I think about our life together and the things we want to accomplish prior to having our first child. I think about graduating college, teaching others about the joys of hooping, becoming financially sound, traveling and spending time with Marc and building a foundation together for our someday family.

I am looking forward to the future. I see my friends with their grubby little bastards and I think to myself how lucky they are to have THEIR babies. And, someday down the road, a few years into the future, I hope to have that too.

However, I also can't help but be reminded of the two sweet boys and one mouthy girl who made me realize that I might be good at being a mommy someday.

Most days, you wouldn't even know that while my mind is doing a million other little things my heart is walking around outside of my body in the form of Alex and Ryan (and Cole too). I have struggled so hard to cope with losing them and I always feel so weak when the sadness becomes too much and I need to get it out. I feel like a weirdo who is unable to let things go. I feel like it's inappropriate of me to hold such strong feelings towards an ex's children. And, I feel like other people feel similar.

But, I can't help it. I can control my actions that derive from these feelings and how I express those feelings as well, but I can't help but feel the hurt I have from having little to no contact with those kiddos since October 2008.

I ache for the sight of them. I miss them and love them with everything in my being. And, it drives me absolutely crazy to not have the ability to even tell them how badly I want to give them a hug.

I have (most of) their pictures packed away, along with the Mother's Day gifts I received from them, school work, drawings, notes and other random items I come across, that all get placed in the same box. I have done this as a way to mourn and move on, but I know that Nicole (and her two sons), along with Alex and Ryan are out there in the world, and it is hard having the powers at be from keeping me from at least spreading love to them.

Alexander William John holding Ryan James' hand at the Body Jewelery Company, circa late 2006/2007 

Its not that Alex and Ryan are lacking people in their life that love them. I know that there are people that love all three of the kids deeply and care for them in the same capacity.  And regardless of what some of these people may think, or feel about me, I can't help but have an overwhelming sense of gratitude; There is no such thing as there being too many people that can love a child. 

Knowing this brings me peace. I may not have a say in how the kids are being raised. The kids may have adults in their life that may say disparaging things about me and discourage them from speaking with me and it may not be the ideal situation for how I want things to be for them, but I have accepted that I don't have control anymore and all I have left is learning to be grateful for the subtle gifts from Spirit that assure me that those kids are fine. 

That's what keeps me going...

Every night I go to bed dreaming of the moment I get to see them again, the moment when years without them are erased by a hug, the moment when all my tears are dried by their beaming faces, the moment when hearing the sound of their voices means seeing them at the same time. Knowing that the moment I dream of will eventually become a reality is what keeps me going.