So, it looks like this will be my last blog entry for a little bit of time-- my new place in Eugene won't have the interwebs set-up until June, and I thought it best to mention my absences now since I've slowly, but surely have been gaining a blog audience.
How do I sum up my emotions about tomorrow? At this time I have more apprehension than excitement in me. I'm scared, I'm nervous, angry, and wanting to do unkind things to others-- for example I have to beat back the urge to give my two-cents to busy-body, asshole with no boundaries a piece of my mind. Yesterday when I was done with my last shift at the Sugarhouse Old Navy it was difficult not to tell the lead cashier (who has been nothing but nasty, and god-awful since Beth and I's transfer) how excited I am that I won't have to see her anymore.
I guess revenge to anyone that's made my life difficult in anyway while going through the ectopic pregnancy, or during the break-up of my engagement deserve a giant 'fuck you.' But, I'm not acting on that, and still trying to focus on good things, to keep my mind from drifting to a dark place.
I am just so grateful I had my last appointment with Jenny (Jenny Patterson Vasquez) on Tuesday. It was hilarious (as I often get funnier when I am really, really sad or upset), and satisfying. I was able to go over my feelings over someone close to me's involvement in an incident that occurred a couple weeks ago and I was able to get my heart to a forgiving accepting place (though we did spend two sessions discussing said incident), and we exchanged information to keep in contact.
I think the 5 to 6 weeks of therapy I had was probably the greatest gift I could give myself. Talking to her weekly helped let go of the suicidal thoughts, she gave me tools for dealing with BPD and understood/supported my decision of not having my mother be apart of my life, she made me feel so good about the tools I've gained through the life changes and how I implement them, and she made me feel like I was more in control of my emotions and how I react to them-- though whenever I expressed any negativity (like my revenge thing) she understood it all together and told me on more than one occasion that she was impressed with my self-control (trust me in the last few weeks I've wanted to do a few rotten things as a reaction to how I was feeling, but I didn't act on these things, because I'm 30, not 10).
Never-the-less, when she would tell me how impressed she was by my inability to act on these horrid whims it was like scoring points. I am not my mother. I am me, and love, kindness, and caring are always going to win.
She made me feel strong. We shortly touched base on our last visit that I am in a tough spot, currently. Marc is coming down from his weird episode, and has been sober for nearly three weeks. I told her that it's hard, because Marc so much wants to work things out, and I've told him numerous times I would love that too...however, I just feel too much stuff has happened, and the important thing for us to do now is focus on ourselves individually.
I told Jenny that even though I have forgiven Marc, I don't want to forget the things that have happened between us.