Wednesday, May 28, 2014

You know you're actively dating in Eugene, Oregon when a story on each of your dates starts out 'I was frying balls when...'

Blackberry. Soon. 
I've been meaning to update since I got here, but it's hard-- I've been super busy, we don't have internet yet, and I am trying to get myself set-up at work. Currently, I am at Skye and Keith's house, watching their sweet baby (she's asleep), and using their internet.

Things have been really good. I am soaking up everything about being here. When it's rainy and overcast I go out and I ride my bike-- it feels like a privilege after spending so much time in SLC (I miss the kids and Jess more than anything in this world). I literally feel my lungs cleaning themselves out, and getting healthy. I am working hard, hula hooping tons, taping hoops, being social, feeling grateful, trying to be more and more creative, and feeling/getting healthier and healthier.

I've had a couple people ask me out, and have had a couple repeat dates. I am not necessarily looking for a relationship, just embracing all the new experiences waiting around the corner. Plus, I date well, and so far I am only pseudo interested in one person-- ie, I think this guy is cool enough to at least be friends with, so even if nothing romantic happens I want to continue facebook stalking him at the very least. What? That's normal. I even asked him to accompany me to watch lesbians knock one another over on skates (ie, its the last Roller Derby bout of the season, and I wanna scream my head off for Stormy), sadly that won't work out, but good on me for asking someone out.

Moving on, tomorrow is my thirtieth birthday. New decade.

I am getting really excited. We are going to have a BBQ at Skye and Keith's house, and then go out for Karaoke. I have Kris, Tara, and Dawn coming down from Portland. I have Ryan. I have Stormy. This year there won't be an entire guest list of no-shows to my party, and I am determined to have a beautiful day-- if anything else I'll have a fuckin' awesome party. I just won't have Jess and the kids. And, that stinks. 

But, that's the trade off to living in heaven. I am lacking my soul-mate, and my kids. It's a tough flip of the coin, but the deeper into settling the more I hate Utah even more. This entire experience has taught me so much, and for that I am super grateful. Just moving back home has reminded me that I am enough. I am strong. I have confidence. I am funny. I have friends. I have a job I am good at. I am loving working Buckleberry Hoops as much as I have been (a lot of trade work, which is fuckin' awesome, btw). And, I deserve all the good things that have been happening the last few weeks.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up. I am waiting on Stormy to pick me up before going to the photo shoot Skye is having for 2015 Babes of the Northwest calendar.

Here are a few of the pictures Skye has done for me since I've been home. I am goofy, beautiful, and I love these: 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

(5/8) Take courage and leap; your sense of time is perfect

So, it looks like this will be my last blog entry for a little bit of time-- my new place in Eugene won't have the interwebs set-up until June, and I thought it best to mention my absences now since I've slowly, but surely have been gaining a blog audience.

How do I sum up my emotions about tomorrow? At this time I have more apprehension than excitement in me. I'm scared, I'm nervous, angry, and wanting to do unkind things to others-- for example I have to beat back the urge to give my two-cents to busy-body, asshole with no boundaries a piece of my mind. Yesterday when I was done with my last shift at the Sugarhouse Old Navy it was difficult not to tell the lead cashier (who has been nothing but nasty, and god-awful since Beth and I's transfer) how excited I am that I won't have to see her anymore.

I guess revenge to anyone that's made my life difficult in anyway while going through the ectopic pregnancy, or during the break-up of my engagement deserve a giant 'fuck you.' But, I'm not acting on that, and still trying to focus on good things, to keep my mind from drifting to a dark place.

I am just so grateful I had my last appointment with Jenny (Jenny Patterson Vasquez) on Tuesday. It was hilarious (as I often get funnier when I am really, really sad or upset), and satisfying. I was able to go over my feelings over someone close to me's involvement in an incident that occurred a couple weeks ago and I was able to get my heart to a forgiving accepting place (though we did spend two sessions discussing said incident), and we exchanged information to keep in contact.

I think the 5 to 6 weeks of therapy I had was probably the greatest gift I could give myself. Talking to her weekly helped let go of the suicidal thoughts, she gave me tools for dealing with BPD and understood/supported my decision of not having my mother be apart of my life, she made me feel so good about the tools I've gained through the life changes and how I implement them, and she made me feel like I was more in control of my emotions and how I react to them-- though whenever I expressed any negativity (like my revenge thing) she understood it all together and told me on more than one occasion that she was impressed with my self-control (trust me in the last few weeks I've wanted to do a few rotten things as a reaction to how I was feeling, but I didn't act on these things, because I'm 30, not 10).

Never-the-less, when she would tell me how impressed she was by my inability to act on these horrid whims it was like scoring points. I am not my mother. I am me, and love, kindness, and caring are always going to win.

She made me feel strong. We shortly touched base on our last visit that I am in a tough spot, currently. Marc is coming down from his weird episode, and has been sober for nearly three weeks. I told her that it's hard, because Marc so much wants to work things out, and I've told him numerous times I would love that too...however, I just feel too much stuff has happened, and the important thing for us to do now is focus on ourselves individually.

I told Jenny that even though I have forgiven Marc, I don't want to forget the things that have happened between us.