I've been trying to write this for quite sometime, but just haven't had it in me to blog. Here's a general catch-up and a general purging of feelings.
Since my last blog entry I started dating someone, seriously. He is wonderful. Bradford is genuine, as genuine as people say I am. He is kind, thoughtful, sweet, and attentive. We are good, and everyday the last 4 months, the amount of time we've been dating, I've been grateful that his friendship, and love are there and present.
I thought my next relationship wouldn't be for sometime, and I am amazed, daily, by the amount of appreciation I have coming into this relationship. Bradford is amazing, and I deserve amazing.
Plus, there is no better feeling than being in love.
Anyways, today, for the first time in a long while, I had to go into Urgent Care, because of not being able to get my daily pain (increased because of my current cycle) under control. And, because of the pain I am in, I am in a very dark place.
I find myself slipping into sadness as I let some of my past creep in-- so, naturally, being in pain, and letting past situations eat at me, has me constantly thinking dark thoughts about the ectopic pregnancy, I find myself miserably upset about my past losses (most likely, because I had to give my medical history this morning at Urgent Care), and then I really find myself questioning certain situations, and throwing a pity-party for myself. Don't get me wrong-- my feelings are valid, and the negative feelings, and being upset towards people during that time isn't wrong, but the dwelling on it is a pisser.
So, today, I say fuck it. I am tired of being strong all the time. I have daily pain. I hurt every single day, because of PCOS. I have endometrial issues, and have days where I can't fucking get out of bed. I have been having these issues for so long, that I do not remember how it feels to be 'normal' anymore. My pain is so bad, that it leads to other struggles-- when my pain is worse (like days like today), I can't stop crying, I get panicky more easily, and my irritability gets so bad, I hate being me, and I feel sorry for my loved ones.
Today, I wish so bad, that I could rewind to August 2013. I wish I had never experienced all the loss-- the hormone imbalance getting shitty again, the weight gain, the hardship, or working so hard, and not getting results. I know this part, losing weight, takes time, but I am so frustrated. I had been doing so well, and all of that work feels gone.
Today, in my misery I am allowing this sadness, and I am making plans to get myself feeling better, after my day of really good crying. My plans will be me refocusing and being grateful:
1) Thanks to my amazing boyfriend, I have a camera I get to use again.
2) Soon, we'll be in our new place, which means we won't be commuting 2 hours a day anymore, I'll be hooping in my own space, and at the new apartment complex I'll have access to really good indoor hooping space with really high ceilings.
3) I am going to be reminding myself that how others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.
4) I am going to count my blessings, and be glad I have two of the world best kitties. Let's hear it for Schrodinger, and Gabriel.
5) I've been keeping up on working out, and I am really proud of the fact, that I am still practicing good, consistent, healthy choices.
Also, I am so glad that I have so many amazing things going on in my life. I know they are present, and I know my incredible support in my loved ones is in play. It's also okay to admit to have bad days, feel this too, and recognize that it's okay to admit that I have these pain issues, and sometimes I need extra support. Everyone needs extra love sometimes, and I do too.