Thursday, December 18, 2014

Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve upon the silence? --Shirdi Sai Baba

I've been sad, mostly missing last year's Christmas season with the kids. I keep telling myself not to worry, the littles are a letter and a phone call away, and that I should focus on my new little life and the simple Christmas I am having this year. However, during this time of year it is particularly good to be young and even though Juliet (my friends' almost two year old) provides a level of joy in my life, I am left feeling empty, not having nearly enough little loves in my life.

I hope that Kieran, Liam, and Violet know that I try to make all our memories special. In my absence, they remember, and are reminded with each of my visits, how much I love them, and how special our time together is, and how special they are.

Speaking of visits, I don't know if I want to go to Salt Lake City for a visit in February. It seems too soon, and the idea is painful. I am finally feeling the last several months there, and I am unsure of these original plans. There is always the option of asking Jess to come here instead, but it is hard with her job pinning down any dates...and, I want to see the kids, and the Utah moms, and my Old Navy family.

We'll see.

In the meantime, Bradford and I have been together for 6 months. The 6 best months I have ever experienced while simultaneously feeling other big things.

There are a number of incredible things about our relationship, but some of them are as simple as we never tire of one another. I am sometimes surprised by the ease and brevity of our conversations, to the rich, deep significance of our words to one another, especially when we are snuggled up to one another. I relish every moment we have together, and whenever we are back together again I can't wait to tell him the things that happened in his absence.

Our incredibleness together makes me feel so grateful at my decision to not force a relationship in Salt Lake that wasn't working, and to wait for a partner that is my best friend. I feel we are both so well suited for one another based upon the fact that we both know who we are, what we want, what our worth is to ourselves, and our worth coming into a functional relationship. Plus, I can tell him literally, anything.

Lately, I have been feeling less than stellar about myself. I have the tendency to have questionably low self-esteem at times. The other day I was mentally beating myself up; feeling like I wasn't good enough to be in my relationship, for a variety of reasons. I explained to Bradford that I wished he had met me 18 to 24 months ago-- that I felt like I really had things together, personally, at work, health wise, in my home, and I felt proud. 

The conversation that proceeded left me feeling light in my heart, blessed, and grateful at my decision in agreeing to pursue a relationship with one another. 

Sometimes, it feels strange to feel so strongly, and flamboyantly in love, when at the start of the year I was with someone else. Then I realize that feeling is only there because of the fear of what others may say, or think. But, I have noticed that anyone that matters, anyone close to me-- loves me happy. 

For the most part, I recognize happiness, even in the haze of sorted grief. And, I am excited to see what the future holds as we build each other and our lives up together. I am excited to be with him as I continue on my journey, and I am certain that the last six months has set the pace to something great. 

Monday, December 1, 2014

Cary Elwes, The Uncontrollable Nuisance of Pre-Winter Blues, and a Million Other Little Tales...

To say I've been trying to write a blog post for a while is a little bit of an understatement.

Well, here's an obligatory run-down:

I've been working as a hostess at a local restaurant for about a month now, it is a few miles away from my apartment in West Eugene, and I love it. It's been a welcome change of pass working in a kitchen-- it's fast-paced, fun, and food is involved. It's amazing feeling so good at the end of each of my shifts. Not to mention a serious, much needed blessing.

Things have been great on a personal level as well, I moved from my roommates home into a small two bedroom apartment. I miss being close to my roommates, but feel so blessed to have me, and Gabriel set-up and comfy and cozy on our own. We have Bradford, my boyfriend, and Schrödinger, his cat-- and all of us together make up the cutest nerd family. It's crazy how quickly things became delightfully domestic.

With Bradford's support I've been looking into finishing my degree, and maybe taking part in the Culinary Arts and Hospitality Management Program at Lane Community College-- it's a big decision, and I am trying not to take it lightly, I've followed through with filing my FAFSA paperwork and applying to Lane. I am hoping that with a little work, and organization I can hammer out the details, and make a good decision, before further putting the two of us into debt.

I am taking a break from Facebook-- much like my needed break last year. I feel that even though there are so many blessings in my life currently, there is no denying that I am finally dealing with the grief I put on hold in the Spring-- I was extremely depressed during that time, but the random mishaps that led to sudden changes in my life made me put that depression on hold and get myself in a more healthy and safe situation. Now, I am back to dealing with feeling all the hurt and grief I feel for having two losses back-to-back, dealing with the ugly hard side of PCOS, dealing with the hurt feelings I have from being ostracized, and hurt by a loved one, dealing with the repercussions of staying in a relationship with a mentally unwell partner for so long, and dealing with some hard rage that has settled in my gut.

I have started taking steps in the direction of wellness, but it takes a lot of patience, time, work, and want. So, Facebook is gone, until I am feeling better.

Moreover, my Utah family has also disassociated themselves from my ex. I am grateful for that for a variety of reasons, unfortunately, that decision also briefly put me in a spot. However, I feel like I handled it as appropriately as one can, I ended up needing to tell his family some of the things my ex told my best friend, because there was a health/safety concern, after involving them, we asked for no further contact from them. Endings are sad, but this was very necessary. I am mostly sad, because I really liked my ex's sisters.

On a completely joyful, happy note on the 4th of December I am meeting Cary Elwes. I am stoked.

In the meantime, I am working on a new set of goals for 2015, and I am working my ass off to complete my one big goal of 2014 (my new year's resolutions fell to the waste-side). I want to be back under 200lbs, after both the pregnancies PCOS does what it does, and my weight became uncontrollable. I hit back up to 230 at one point-- despite working very hard to maintain health. I am currently back at 215.2lbs. I generally tell people that health isn't a number on a scale, and that is very true, but I also know that my current weight isn't healthy. My short term goal has been to be back under 200lbs, and my long-term goal has been to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, which was 185.

Once I've reached those goals I'll reassess. I also have other goals, but soon enough I know I am gonna reach this goal. And, I am so grateful that I am finishing 2014 so strong.