Friday, January 8, 2016

The Deepening Gray

Things are still chugging along here in Utah.

And, I feel sincerely grateful.

However, I am struggling with the three C's today; choices, chances, changes. Every day I get more and more homesick for a place that feels like rejects me every time I try and bury myself into it's ground to take root.

I made the choice to come back here, it was a chance I took to try and bring ourselves back from extreme poverty, and we have had nothing but constant change basically since Bradford and I first started dating. And, I am ready for things to settle, but I really, really don't want things to settle here.

I miss the deepening shades of gray this time of year, back home, in Oregon. I miss the spongy ground; wet from the rain, making everything greener than it is anywhere else. I miss the clean air, the people, and the drivers. I miss evergreen trees, and the smell of the air-- not to mention the pitter-patter sound of rain that is so comforting while I sleep.

I love the Oregon coast-- the compact sand, tide-pools, and the ocean tides.

This morning I keep thinking about Bradford and I's trip for an over-nighter at the coast back when we first heard that my mother was put in Hospice. We went to get away from the constant gnawing one feels at the back of their subconscious when a loved one is about to pass.

I made chocolate dipped strawberries, Alton Brown's Caramelized Onion Dip, and a dip I made up on the fly (that was freakin' amazing) that consisted of cream cheese, blue cheese, bacon and craisins, paired with Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and we brought with us a bottle of wine my friend Tara had bought me for my thirtieth birthday.

It was before Bradford had lost his job. It was before I lost my mother.

And, it was perfect.

And, that's what I miss most. I miss copious amount of trips to the coast, something no matter how broke we are we were able to continue to enjoy. It is hard to explain to people that I grew up in a rain forest, and it's forever apart of who I am, and it physically makes me ache not being there.

Today, is a day that hurts, because it hurts being away from my first true home, my Oregon.