Four days on, two days off schedule rotation has me renaming the days of the week to better suit me. That is one example of how my life has changed the last 28 days. Funny enough, the last 28 day Jumpstart began on my first day of work at my new job as a caregiver.
And, things have changed, drastically, and I find myself reeling from all of it sometimes. The biggest change can not be seen-- my faith has been awaken after eleven years of sleep, and it feels surprising, new, insincere, and jarring.
I guess it's not overly surprising, seeing that I have a clearly agnostic view on life, and I have quite a few spiritual practices I do on my own-- mostly honoring tradition, and seasonal change. I guess the surprise is the feelings that I feel at work.
|Owens Rose Garden|
I see truly miraculous things every single day at my work.
I see truly ugly, and heartbreaking things every single day at my work.
It has been 28 days of personal growth, new adventures, discovery, new stories, unexpected change, and real, quiet reflection.
If I weren't shaken at times from the experiences I've undergone the last month then I would be heartless.
In the meantime, I've been really struggling with the fitgirl community. I honestly feel that the struggle must be stemming from jealous feelings; I want to commit and participate 100% in the group challenge, however with adjusting with my new schedule I fell behind on the photo challenges. Then I started feeling angry, because I see a lot of the same girls being featured on fitgirlsguide, and the more I viewed things as a weird popularity contest the more I felt put out by the idea of participation.
What originally attracted me to the community was the go-at-your-own-pace, happy comradery. I don't feel that anymore. I feel like unless you are online constantly, non-stop then you are not part of the community-- which was fine when I was miserable in Utah, however being happy in Oregon, and with the new job now certain aspects of participation feels shallow. Which is funny, because for the most part, I LOVE my instagram feed during my breaks, because my feed is full of fitgirls and positivity, and is a million miles away from shallow.
So, here I sit, feeling grateful for meal prep days, grateful for being active, and grateful for the commitment I feel toward my health, but feeling like it's okay to need the space from Facebook and Instagram to focus on human connections versus the approval, likes, and validation of strangers. I love social media for making far away people feel close, but I hate how social media makes me feel, and overall fitgirlsguide is all about social media.
My time lately is precious, and I've been making it a point to keep some resemblance of a social life to help balance work. Normally when I work this much, I counteract that with sleep only. Lately, I've made it a point to work 40+ hours a week, have over a two hour commute a day, meal prep, yoga, hoop, and walk, along with trying to visit friends from time to time, and keep up on our home as we look for a new place closer to where I am working. And, soon, Bradford and I will be studying again together!
|Partying down at Stephanie's house|