Shampoo Press Get You Out Of My Hair

It’s been the longest twelve days I’ve had in sometime.

I had Kieran for the entire summer. It was magic.

Well, I'd like to say it was. I mostly felt depressed I had him crammed into our small apartment. But, I  already miss him so much. Honestly, I miss all three of the Littles, especially as they started back up at school yesterday.

It is so hard being away the older they get. It use to be, I felt bad being away from them, because they were small and I felt they "needed" me. Now, I feel their absence. I feel them not near. And, I watch them grow up in pictures, and in glimpses.

It makes me feel sad. I feel like all I've been doing is crying since the 11th with a steady increasing in crying on the 13th on. A continuous ball of tears, in a glass case of emotions.

Then on the way home from Utah, I drove back topless (tender breast), and I got a sickening feeling. What if I was pregnant? What if in all our carefulness and watchfulness, I ovulated late, and the unprotected sex I had with my husband on the 6th (the 16th day of my cycle) left me an emotional hot mess, because I was pregnant, and therefore going to miscarry again?

I'm four days late for my period, but I also have taken so many pregnancy tests I feel positive I am not pregnant.

However, I cannot help the emotions it has brought up, and the feeling like I can't talk to anyone about it. I felt nervous to even mention to my husband that I was taking a pregnancy test, because I didn't want to "upset" him-- we've been talking about possible adoption after Nursing school for the last couple of years, and we've decided to wait on any family planning.

This non-existent scare has me feeling sad, and lonely. Recently, there has been an onslaught of people in my life that are pregnant-- with six people in my life expecting. Did my body do this to me as a cry for attention? Did my body do this, as a result of everyone else's good news? Like I said, enough pregnancy tests have been negative to tell me to prepare for a bad period at this point, but instead I feel like crying and being a shut in.

The other day one of my girlfriends asked me if I was excited even a little bit (at the prospect of being pregnant). I told her about the last time I got excited. I sat and recounted my experiences: my three "chemical" pregnancies while with my ex prior to Hawai'i (2006-2008) (chemical meaning obtaining an at home positive test, only to start my period prior to confirming the pregnancy), and then the pregnancies after Hawai'i-- the one confirmed by blood test through Papaver Midwifery in 2010-- I miscarried on a trip to Oregon while visiting my mama with my ex, my miscarriage in 2013-- my longest pregnancy, and the healthiest I've been in my adult life, and my ectopic pregnancy in 2014-- we tried for this pregnancy, and even got our positive test on my ex's birthday.

These last two weeks have left me feeling hollow as I've thought about the last three pregnancies and losses in particular. This feeling has left me with time to evaluate friendships, work relationships, and my partnership with Bradford. While letting the negative engulf me, and the dark drag me down for the week I've explored feeling crappy: I feel empty. I feel sad. I feel fat, and bloaty. I feel like binging all the time. I feel unhealthy, and unwanting to leave my house. I feel ashamed and unable to move on from the past. I feel like I should be above and beyond this.

And, I feel like a mother without a baby.

So, when people ask me if I'm happy to have my house back, that isn't an appropriate question. I gave my baby back to his family last week. Thankfully, most anyone that matters in my life has just asked "how have you been without Kieran?" (Thank you, guys.)

But, mostly, the last week I've felt, in my heart, that I am a mother without a baby.

Dalaudid: King of Morphines

It's been a tiring and an interesting 7 days between posts.

On Monday morning I went into the ER due to left arm pain and numbness, accompanied by weird "hiccups" in my chest area. It started on Saturday evening, but my vitals were good, however Monday morning my Blood Pressure went crazy high.

They ruled out heart attack Monday morning with an EKG and a troponin test, they ran labs, and did some imaging. And, even went as far as to say that they believed the discomfort I am feeling on my left side must be musculoskeletal, however my triglycerides were a little high, and they wanted me to get additional testing done with a follow-up appointment, because there is some concern about possible coronary disease.

Today, I have a follow-up appointment with a family practice physician that specializes in cardiology.

I am feeling nervous, and plain scared. I generally feel pretty impartial to my health care at this point-- affordable health care has not been a consistent or reliable thing in my adult life. "Oh, look at me! The millionaire who goes to see doctors!"

Anyways, I have been looking up ways to lower triglycerides as a proactive measure to help alleviate any future potential heart problems. It looks like if I even lose 12lbs of my current weight, I'd be looking at quite the improvement in this area. Obviously, I am going to do my appointment, find out what is wrong, and be an active member in the plan for correcting anything that may need correcting. In the meantime, it gives me some level of control in the situation knowing I can do something on my own.

On a side note, after my nutrition class this last fall term we discovered our sodium was too high, and our potassium too low, so, at the end of November, beginning of December we started actively working on lowering sodium intake and increasing the potassium in our diets. My labs showed that both potassium and sodium were within standards-- with sodium being on the lower side of within those standards, and potassium being on the higher side of those standards.

It felt good to see that improvement.

Barely Gettin' By-- It's All Takin' And No Givin'

My seasonal depression seemed to set in earlier than usual, however having school seemed to be the ultimate distraction. I plowed through Fall term with determination-- keeping my eye on my goals. I seemingly excelled for the first time in my adult life in an academic setting. I raised my GPA significantly, and even earned a B in my Math class.

In the meantime, December, was scheduled lightly at work-- lots of doubles and less days present at the facility, in the hopes to avoid care-giver burn out. It did not work. I was asked every single day to come in on my off days.

Then, in January it really sank in: financial aid never came through, I owed for my Fall Term, and all of my Winter Term classes were dropped. That's when the question first popped into my head, sometime in December while on winter break, only to work it's way from my brain, and really cement it's self into my soul:

"If I am not actively in class, why am I here? Why am I not in Florence?"

Since then I've been asking myself if I have made a mistake. I really don't feel like I have, logically: I am closer to Lane's campus, I am making a great deal more in the valley than in Florence (with a $2.22 pay increase from the start of 2018 versus the end of 2018), and I am expanding my knowledge and experience. I am closer, in proximity, to friends and family.

Then, right before I was to be engulfed in the abyss that is trying to figure out my life, it was time to go to Salt Lake, Utah, and see Jess, Ian, and my Littles. I was there just shy of two weeks-- it was needed, and I never left anyone's side while visiting, nor did I go and see anyone that wasn't directly related to the Compound. It may have been rude, and slightly selfish, but I just needed solace, time in Jess' bed, and lots of baby snuggles.

It was impossible to leave. But, here are some highlights from my visit:

Cheesecake Date with Kieran and Violet--

At the Cheesecake Factory

We went on a couple of hikes --

 

And a lot of time with my favorite Littles, and people --

 

 

Church with Mum-mum and Papa

 It was a really good family staycation, and I am really grateful we all had that time together. But, now that I am home, I am seemingly in deeper.

Thankfully, I know that feeling this low won't last too long. It stinks in terms of needing to start back up real life. It stinks in terms of planning our future, and executing said plans. It stinks in terms of not having 3 beautiful sets of eyes to gaze into and feel more inspired and in awe of life.

It stinks.

So, I have a game plan:
1- Today: I wallow. On Monday I had a surprise day off, and I forced myself out of the house to pick up my paycheck. Tuesday, I made myself go to the bank, and WinCo. Followed up by making some freakin' bomb ass Pad Thai. Today, I slept long and hard. I've spent most of my time naked. I have snuggled cats, and felt low, and been unapologetic about it. Today, I am not going to allow myself to fake anything, or force myself out of the house, I  will just be sad. Admit to being sad. A big portion of why I needed to go to see Jess, Ian, and the kids is because I feel sad.
2- Tomorrow, I will focus on being the best damn CNA I can possibly be. I will focus on 8 hours of five days-- I will focus on helping others, and feel good that I do what I do for a living. On my off time I will set and execute goals from each day. I will get those little things done; silently smashing the shit out of each and one of my daily goals, and I will high-five myself each night before bed. 

3- I will continue to try and make things work here in Springfield, but I will give things a timeline. I moved here with specific goals in mind, but I am not happy, and really haven't been happy the entire duration of me being back in Springfield. That being said; I worked fucking hard to move to Florence the first time. I worked fucking hard to move back to the valley. I can't keep doing this to Bradford, who, by the way, just says; "baby, I want whatever will make you happy."
4- I am going to practice gratitude like a mother trucker. That saying "Fake It Till You Make It," is sometimes the best thing I've been able to do for myself. If anything it's a great survival tool while wading water.
5- It's been a hard 8 months. I have learned and have grown so much. Now, may be a time for a lot of Tarot and self-care. I just need a lot of self-love and self-care.

In the meantime, aren't Kieran, Robin, and Violet just the sweetest grown up kids you've ever seen? I can't help getting emotional at the thought that they will be 16, 13, and 10 on their next birthdays. Where did the time go?!