And the wounded skies above say it's much, much too late

Well, here it goes.

The truth is this page has been pulled up in a window for days sitting blank (and I'm starting it (finally) on 3/24-- hopefully it doesn't take me too long to publish)...it's like I knew, subconsciously, that I needed to wait and sort things out before writing this.

Things got rough. Things got sad. Shit fell apart. We had a series of bad news-- finding out we had to do another round of methotrexate, followed up by the news that Marc was unable to get the time we requested off for our trip approved. Then we had to make the decision to postpone the day we wanted to get married.

I was already facing depression, and then all of a sudden, it felt like things were snowballing down on me-- I am trying to mend a fight between my sister and I, but things are kinda slow-going there. I've been overly hard on myself about weight I've put on during my short pregnancy, even though I've been told it's not my fault, it's a hormone issue and I need to see an endocrinologist. My parents are in the middle of moving across the country, and I find myself not wanting to burden them, followed up by an argument with the person I feel the closest to last week. And, even though I have had people offer to help me if I need anything I don't know what I need, so how do I vocalize something that's unknown?

In short, when you have a mood disorder, and suffer from anxiety and panic, and you're already drowning in the blackness that depression pulls you into it doesn't take much to tip you over that precious precipice of feeling like you're surviving to feeling like you want it all to end.

And then, a girl I haven't seen in twelve years saved my life with a random note. I reached out for help, and at first didn't get what I needed, a second reach, and Marc caught me.

I'm not sharing this to scare anyone, or to gain attention. I don't feel like I need to be on suicide watch, and I'm not trying to cause anyone to worry-- I feel quite certain, that if I've found myself in this sad situation, of hopelessness, and loss then maybe instead of ignoring it I should deal with it, share my experience, and be honest with myself, and my little world.

I felt desperate. And, in my desperate, dark moment I received a note from a girl I haven't seen since June 2002, when I graduated from High School. Kaitlin Hamlin (now Anderson, because we are grown-ups, and what-not), and I were in a class together called College Now: Writing 121. That year was a very difficult year of my high school career, because of a variety of home problems, stemming from my mother's poor health, and being diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year, and dealing with treatments all the way until my graduation.

This is what Kaitlin sent me:

"I've been sharing a memory a day. You are today, Sarah. Let me pain the picture: Writing 121, with Strauder-Bubala. There were a lot for people in this class including my best friend. Out of many things, I remember first becoming aware of you. You, Sarah, were a very kind, compassionate soul, and I was drawn to your nurturing disposition. But more than that I remember your passion. You were very upset that you weren't going to be able to take a class at LCC, or at Thurston for LCC, I don't remember the details. All I remember is going home and begging my parents to give you the money. The next day they sent the money with me to give to Mrs S.B., to give to you anonymously. I am telling you this 14 years later to let you know that your unwavering passion for many things is an inspiration. It is not just an inspiration today, this year, or even this decade. It has been evident since the day I met you. I hope nothing, but the best for you in your journey, Sarah. Continue to share your story, you have no idea how far your words reach."

Her words reminded me that I matter. My voice matters, my story matters, and the hurt I'm feeling matters. That no person, in the entire world, is capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. And, I decided after reading Kaitlin's message to stop pretending like everything is fine, when everything was/is not fine (I'm working on things to get myself to a good place). 

I read somewhere online something about it being okay to fall apart for a little while; "you don't always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well." I needed to be reminded that I shouldn't be concerned with what other people are thinking either, because I had convinced myself somewhere along the way that when I am suffering from depression somehow I would slip-back into old habits, and undo the good I've done from the last few years...that somehow showing that I'm so sad that it was crushing my spirit would make me seem weak.

I reminded myself to cry, that it was healthy to shed the tears-- I'd been trying to hide away my pain, but really by not recognizing my feelings I was punishing myself, and dragging people down to be miserable around me.

The fortunate news is I have done so much work over the last several years, and I can show emotions, because I currently have no one in my life that is going to judge me harshly for doing so. 

I've undergone major life changes to help make my life better including taking steps to help handle my panic attacks; practicing weight management, eating well, supplementing, sleeping regularly (that's a big priority for me these days), I've cut down drastically on dairy in my diet, avoid processed foods and have completely eliminated gluten from my life, I quit smoking cigarettes (I can't even remember my last one, that's how long it's been), and I workout regularly and include yoga in my Hoop Practice time. 

I am so grateful for those changes that I've made slowly, but surely over the years, because it is a reminder of how strong I am during this sad time-- and, look how far I've come.

Since the passing of the suicidal thoughts, and the blinding rage I have experienced with my depression the last few weeks, I've slowly been able to get back into the fold of things-- I had my first full-shift (even though I requested a lite week, I don't want to short-change the steps I'm taking to get into my old schedule of working) on Sunday. It was really hard in some aspects-- hCG still makes me overly emotional, and I found myself wanting to cry a lot, but when I clocked out just after 2:30 on Sunday afternoon I felt proud that I decided to stick with my day despite starting the day being sick, being a tiny-bit late (I HATE being late to work), and having high emotions.

Completing my first day back to work made me feel good enough to try and go hangout with a bunch of ON co-workers from The Gateway that Sunday evening as well. That was also an experience in itself. I had many mishaps on the way from my house to West Jordan, and having a panic attack on an interstate running through Utah is really not my idea of fun, but once I got there I felt safe for the first time in along while. 

I probably over-shared, cursed too much, was overly vulgar, and inappropriate-- but, hell I needed that freeing experience of having face time with real people, being honest about my feelings, and only getting hugs in return. Seeing my Old Navy Gateway Family gave me the courage to ask for some company on Monday. I may have baked a loaf of bread and offered it to whatever facebook friend wanted it. Beth rode her bike over, ate food with me, shared some stuff going on with her, walked me to the store so I didn't have to go alone, and made sure to give me a couple of really good hugs while she was over. 

In the meantime, I've been taking time to do stress-relieving breathing exercises everyday, along with trying to be active (as much as medically possible) without over-doing it, I've been trying to get outside and in the sun when possible, and have been walking to the store a little more often. Marc has been doing a pretty good job of caring for me-- once I expressed how lonely I have been feeling, and just how bad my depression had gotten he made it a point to crawl in bed beside me a little more often, and kiss and hold me during those times. While he holds me he whispers sweet things in my ear and makes me feel completly engulfed by his love. This practice is taking the edge off of the daily hurt.

I am also working on my daily things I normally do, and I feel that's starting to lighten up my spirit. Today was my 115th day of logging into MyFitnessPal in a row, and I also celebrated a 3.6lbs drop from my last (home) weigh-in (last week). Since I don't weigh myself during pregnancy I am going to start weighing myself weekly on Tuesday mornings. I've also started working on knocking off one of my resolutions-- I bought my Hoop Camp Ticket for this year.

Other than that, I'm trying to just keep at it, and get myself happy again (I'm closer each day). I am trying to vocalize my needs as they become apparent, but am still struggling with actually asking for help. Marc, and I are hoping to reschedule our Oregon trip for May (that's also when we'll move our elopement day-- here's to May 15th, the same day Monica and Chandler got married), and we've decided to try and swing sending me to Oregon for a long weekend in April still. 

So, since I haven't been working as much, due to my medical stuff, I've been wrapping hula hoops. It's my hopes to sell eight to help get me there (I desperately need a break, and would also like to get some wedding planning done while visiting on said weekend and get ink with Mild Bill in Eugene at Indelible Ink Tattoo), and I'm encouraging SLC locals to spread the news that I have kid hoops on sale $10 to $15, and adult hoops on sale ranging from $20 to $30. I've sold two since announcing this on facebook.

In conclusion, this blog may seem overly loaded with a harsh load of truth, and randomness, but I am grateful. Grateful for Kaitlin who took the time to share a memory of me with me one morning, because those words carried the stregth I needed to help myself. And, I am grateful for Marc for being so incredible, and encouraging. It is a blessing to have a partner that puts my needs up there with his own (and vice-versa). And, most importantly, I am grateful to be me.

It has been the greatest challenge really getting to know myself, like myself, and reconize my own value. If success is a battle between you, and yourself alone then I totally got this battle.

On the Left: My sister and I. On the Right: Our mini-me, my neice, Zoey.

You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.

Well, I am going to try to keep this as upbeat as possible, but first a small update; I'm doing alright. I was scheduled to work Sunday morning, but I'm glad I stuck with my doctor's note, as I am still very sore, not feeling that great, and I'm still in bed sleeping tons.

However, I am hoping/making it a goal to call work either Tuesday, or Wednesday letting them know that I'm feeling alright, tell them I'm available if people need to call in (I might be able to cover shifts, people can ask!), and hopefully pick up a couple of my 'normal' shifts for next week (ie, I'm going to ask if I can do signange on Thursday, and Sunday, and maybe work a retail shift).

It's hard, with the upcoming trip, and eloping, I want to work, because I WANT money. At the same time, I don't want to over-do things, strain myself, or make it so I miss out on my trip, or more work, because I emotionally/physically pushed myself too soon.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and really hope that I'll be back to work for at least 2 1/2 weeks before we leave for Oregon.

We have 23 days until vacation.

I've been having a hard time because there are certain healthy foods I'm avoiding due to the methotrexate injections-- I've also been avoiding most of my supplements. In short, I'm really looking forward to full-blown healthy habits.

It's hard avoiding 'healthy' things...

When I start feeling better, I'm going to kick so much ass. I think once I'm not as sore, and tired I'll be able to slowly start some cardio-- mixed with being able to continue supplementing and eating greens I think I'll feel better. I just have to wait until my hCG level is back to zero. Dr. Nance texted to say to do my next draw on Wednesday.

In the meantime, everyday I try to pull myself together from the sheer excitement of the upcoming trip. Things are really starting to shape up for it. Wedding stuff is coming along nicely. I'm organized, and I think we are doing a good job of budgeting, and getting assistance from friends. We are going to try and make our Beach Day be at Tillamook Cheese Factory so we can do the tour, and have lunch on the coast, we are going to do OMSI, and a night in Portland. I have a list of thing we are going to order right before the end of the month-- and, I've been organizing the trip, and house prep from the comforts of my bed.

Wedding stuff-- ready to go!

Kitty assistant 

The operating center

Writing out phone numbers, and 'Things to Remember' for when we're are gone

I'm also getting together a kid friendly 'to do' list, so that the kids can earn extra money in my absence.

March has been filling up and has been really hard. Plus, I am missing working

Our April is looking busy, and fun!

I'm excited.

Some more exciting news consists of me starting the Hooping With Kids Teacher Training Course, and I am also planning on purchasing my Hoopcamp ticket in 9 days. I kinda put my New Year Resolutions on hold due to the elopement, and the pregnancy. I'll be on Marc's insurance after our trip-- and I'll be seeing an endocrinologiest specialist, but we are going to hold trying for a baby until at least October.

I am going to be focusing on hooping, getting my Teacher's certification for Hooping With Kids, knocking out some of my Resolutions, and goals, I plan on visiting my parents very soon in South Carolina-- and my biggest focus is going to be going toward gearing up towards leaving.

As it turns out, ectopic pregnancies aren't an urban legend...

On Monday when we were listing to Fleetwood Mac Radio on Pandora "Never Going Back Again" came on, and I cradled Violet and sang it to her. It ended up staying with me all of Monday, and then carried me the last few days.

It's weird how comforting Lindsay's short song is, and how soothing his voice is in my head:

She broke down and let me in

Made me see where I've been

Been down one time
Been down two times
I'm never going back again

You don't know what it means to win

Come down and see me again

Been down one time

Been down two times

I'm never going back again

I needed to do something with my grief-- as all I was doing was a lot of sitting around, as I waited for test results to come back. I got video footage three times, once while I was smoking, breathing, and trying to pull my shit together, then a video of me writing where I finally just let my shit go and sobbed, and finally a video of me dancing to the song with my hoop.

I put the song on repeat off of my little lap top, and danced to it twice. It was my first time picking up my hoop and REALLY hooping, in nearly three weeks. I really like what I caught on camera-- raw emotions as I cried, and hooped. I couldn't cut any of it, so instead I sped it up 2x, and left the drops, and imperfections.

If I left the video as is, without speeding up any of it, or cutting anything down(the crying, smoking, or dancing), there is about thirty minutes you're watching in a 2:17 period of time. 

Anyways, I guess I should go over the experience of the last few days.

My pregnancy for sure is/was ectopic. An Ectopic Pregnancy is a pregnancy that occurs outside the womb (uterus). It is life-threatening to the mother.

It was really hard going from a happy-high of our 'miracle' positive pregnancy test on Marc's birthday, to the slow realization (on my own) that this pregnancy was also not healthy, to our final diagnoses.

Everything that can be said about this situation seems trite, cliche, and not that comforting at this point. I've told myself to be grateful that it was so early on, to be grateful we caught it before a rupture, be grateful that my fallopian tubes 'look clean,' and, my personal favorite, be grateful I'm even capable of getting pregnant. Really, none of that helps in the least bit.

After about a bizzillion tests (really just a few labs) to determine if I was healthy enough for the medication option to treat this situation it was only a manner of dealing with the headache of my insurance paying for it-- I really enjoyed the part where I was nearly denied being seen, because of random problem with my insurance. It's always magic dealing with something potentially life-threatening, and then denied medical treatment.

To make a long story short, I was healthy enough for the methotrexate, a cancer medication sometimes used in treating abnormally rapid cell growth. And, today, thanks to WebMD, I was able to find some less-scary reading material about using Methotrexate for Ectopic Pregnancy.

The injection was given to me in two doses on Wednesday. Thursday, I felt emotional, and sore-- I texted Dr. Nance for pain medication. Today, I am incredibly grateful for that insight, because around 11 AM this morning I started bleeding, and now I am in so much pain its nearly blinding.

I am laying on my heating pad, trying to decide if I should go in to the ER, or not. There's always pain with my miscarriages, but I'm still in danger of a rupture (I have no fever) so I have no clue if I'm just working myself up over the pain, or if I legit should go in.

I'm going to eat, take my next pain dose, and talk to Marc/Jess when they get here in the next couple of hours to decide. I figure if I'm rational to make that decision, I'm good to wait and see if I can get this under control myself.

I appreciate the love and support I've been recieving. Jess, Marc, Skye, and Deana have really been there either physically, or by daily texts-- not to mention the love and kindness from friends, and hoopers on facebook, plus counting my blessings for the love and support I get from my work. 

Magic-lesssssssssss

2 weeks ago today, it was Marc's birthday, and we had that magical, baby-high.

Today.

Well, today, how the mighty have fallen, and how things have flipped.

Today was filled with words like hCG, blood panel, D&C, methotrexate, ectopic, and Dr. Nance reminding me how important it is that I see an endocrinologist specialist as soon as I'm on Marc's insurance.

I had my mom texting me that she wishes I was on the pill as a way to 'reset' my fertility. I love her, and I wish she was here. But, after all the work I've done since 2007 when I was diagnosed with PCOS, mixed with my bad experiences on the pill, met with the fact that I consciously made the decision to get off of it in the summer of 2008-- I just still don't see how the pill is a useful drug for a person in my situation. I don't ovulate, and it just seems silly to take a drug to keep me from doing something I've been naturally trying to correct.

It feels like a day of deep hurt. I'm sad that we never got to that happy part. The part where we get to tell people, and they are legit excited. The part where we don't feel the extra judgment from Marc's more religious family. The part where I move past the first trimester. The part where at the end of 42 and half weeks (let's be realistic) there is a shrunken version of ourselves, that screams, and feeds a lot.

I dunno.

All I do know is, I'm tired of being told it's just not my time. Going over my history with the nurses, student, and the doctor-- reciting the confirmed pregnancies, and the unconfirmed pregnancies (the ones referred to as a Chemical Pregnancy)-- maybe it's not that it's not my time, maybe no one wants to say the cruel truth; some people aren't meant to be mothers.

I may never be a mother.

My one and only chance at raising kids was spent three years with an abusive drunk. Maybe-- Alex, and Ryan are my miracle, and Spirit, or the Higher Power, or whatever is trying to teach me to be grateful for what I had. Two perfect sons, for a couple of great years.

I just want a baby, I am ready. And, I'm failing us.

"You delete your snotty comment to me but leave mine."

Welp.

Today, I pseudo fought with my sister. Which I hate, probably a little more than most people, because she is a bulldozer. And, since I can't seemingly assert myself without coming across as being a bitch (since I never do it, I think it shocks people when I use my voice), I ended up making apologies to her.

Here's the thing, as far as Marc and I's wedding is concerned-- I really don't care what other people think, or want, this isn't about them. This is about us.

The biggest deciding factor as to why we wanted to "elope" is because of that very reason, we wanted this to be about us. However, my sister and I's small conversation, has left me feeling the need to defend our decision, and myself-- if not to her face, to at least put it out there, so I won't carry my anger from today any longer...

My sister decided to send me Urban Dictionary's online definition of 'elope' earlier to try and say that we are not eloping, we are having a very small wedding, and that she was offended by my long list of guests, and the fact that my brothers, her, and my parents had nothing to do with it. Then she decided to degrade me on a public forum by telling me that this proves how much they must mean to me.

Wow!

Fair enough, I thought the literal definition of elope was to 'run away'-- I could be wrong, and I haven't googled it, but either way I asked Marc's mom's permission to marry him, so right off the bat we're failing with traditional elopement plans with me getting a parent's consent.

We decided to elope a few years ago when we originally were engaged, when Marc and I were struggling because of a bunch of personal things that have to do with his family-- it put a lot of stress on us, and we went from wanting a big ceremony where his siblings stood with him, and mine with me, and our colors were going to be Chakra-inspired, and Jess' kids would have been part of the bridal party, and parents, and pictures, and cake, and etcetera, and etcetera-- to wanting no one there (one person specifically).

We decided we didn't want the stress. We didn't want to deal with having to decide where to do it (Utah, or Oregon), we didn't want to pile debt onto our parents (because we certainly don't have the money flow to chip in), we didn't want to deal with hurt feelings (Marc experienced a lot of hurt feelings due to his siblings weddings, and had a really hard time with the concept that his siblings' weddings were their thing) about who got to do what, or who wanted to be apart of the wedding party, we didn't want to deal with travelers, or trying to find places for people to stay, we didn't want the traditional rehearsal dinner, or people only really showing up to the reception for free food. And, I didn't want to feel like a parade of a who's who from anyone's ward (I'm not trying to be offensive, but that's what Utah gatherings are).

We wanted it to be me, and him, in a beautiful place that we'll always remember, on a spectacular day that would be set in hearts.

We decided to get married on our next trip to Oregon. Our vacation we were already planning. We love going there, as I'm always at my happiest, and Marc gets to enjoy the company outside of just me and sample Northwest Beer, and really experience rain. And, with my dad, Deana, and pretty much all of my family moving this month we saw the perfect opportunity for fairness-- Marc's siblings and parents, and my siblings (with the exception of Andrew), and parents would all be in different states...

As far as our 'long list of guests,' it is me, Marc, our photographer, our friend marrying us, my witness, Marc's witness, and Jess. Jess is the only person who is coming that's unplanned (and that's only because she cried)-- that put's us at 7 people.

We are running away on vacation, and getting married with both sets of parents' fully aware.

There will be pictures for everyone to enjoy after, and I've been blogging about this experience, and posting on facebook about it, because I am excited, and I figured that our family and friends would enjoy the little updates, but instead I've upset my sister.

But, like I said a few blog posts ago, planning our elopement has taught me very quickly how true Skye's words are:

"NO ONE in the world will handle it the way you want them to. No one will care as much as you and even the people you love the most will find a way to make it more difficult for you. It's always the case."

Anyways, I love my sister very much, but my plans weren't made to deliberately leave her out-- our plans were designed to leave out only one person deliberately. And, I commend Amanda for articulating her feelings, but in there she accused me of being snotty, which I feel is a really unfair accusation. On top of calling me a 'dumbass.' Her strong words have left me wanting to hug her to remind her that I love her, and simultaneously slap her around.

Those two huge disparaging remarks has left me feeling relieved at our decision. I just wish our decision wasn't hurting any one's feelings.

Live for something lighter, bigger, and better than you.

"Live for something lighter, bigger, and better than you." --Yogi Teabag

Ever since I got Deana's text yesterday that read; "I think you've been through enough, and it's better to know for sure," all I can hear is her voice asking "Haven't we been through enough?"

As I sit here, writing this, with Marc sleeping soundly to my left I can't help but think that my greatest trauma is my greatest catalyst for change.

Someday, I will be a mother, and if it's not from this pregnancy it will hurt, but I can remember's Marc's promise that we'll be parents someday.

Yesterday, I spent a good three/four hours in the Emergency Room-- on Thursday morning, I had some weird spotting (very little, very light brown), and even though it tempered down I was still having some of the weird spotting when I woke up Friday morning. I don't want to be that woman that freaks out over everything, but at the same time, this isn't my first rodeo. I decided that I couldn't wait until Monday for my appointment with Dr. Nance, and that if I was suffering another loss I wanted to know, and if I wasn't I wanted to be reassured.

When I left, they couldn't tell me if my current pregnancy is viable. When I got home I was readying myself to EMAIL Dr. Nance to alert him of my ER visit, and let him know what labs/test we ran, etcetera, and he called me. I guess, Dr. Lee (the doctor I saw while in the ER), is a friend of his, and notified him that one of his patients was in the ER.

Since Dr. Lee didn't want to give me a transvaginal ultrasound (I wasn't bleeding at the time of my physical), our current plan of goes as follows; keep my Monday Baby Appointment as a follow up. I already had a blood draw for my hGC levels on Tuesday, and we did it again yesterday-- since it was only up 30% instead of 50%, it may be some cause for concern that I'm following in the steps of my previous miscarriages. So, early on Monday I'll be getting more labs done before I go into my appointment in the afternoon.

I did some reading on hCG, and Dr. Nance also explained to me, that we may be fine, but I'm a realist, and I don't know what's worse-- getting my hopes up, or having no hope at all.

"A low hCG level can mean any number of things and should be rechecked within 48-72 hours to see how the level is changing. A low hCG level could indicate:

• Miscalculation of pregnancy dating
• Possible miscarriage or blighted ovum
• Ectopic pregnancy "

Like I mentioned in my previous blog-- we are ready for a miracle.

But, I'm prepared for our only miracle to be a Spring Oregon trip, and our elopement.

Oregon

So, I'm trying desperately to focus on our fast approaching wedding date (April 17th) which is in 40 days. The reason we started trying for a baby before this date is because we figured with my irregular ovulating it would take some time for us to get pregnant-- I kinda wish we thought this through more thoroughly.

Anyways, it's hard to focus on wedding stuff, when pregnancy stuff is on my mind, and vice-versa.

I feel like we've got our shit together for the most part as far as the elopement plans.

I've given up on my original dress I wanted to wear, ordered a different one completely this morning, and I am thinking of ordering a second to help guarantee something will work in my favor.

I think my pintrest wedding board is full of Do It Yourself instructions for Boho Flower Crowns, we are having our friend perform the ceremony, and I ordered spanx, and a nice (more expensive than I've ever paid) bra for my under-dress things. I have my moccasins I plan on wearing on their way (despite Deana not being able to picture it, it's gonna happen), and my friend Heidi is making our 'reception' (if you can call it that) cake, and our cake topper is on it's way (it says; "As You Wish")! I have a list of restaurants I like for dinner after on the 17th-- Excelsior being at the top of that list.

Other than that, Marc is planning on wearing a suit he already owns, and outside of having him try it on, and we'll also most likely get him new shoes, he is taken care of. I need to figure out a bouquet I like, and just start sending crap to Stormy-- as I figure anything I want can be made.

And, most importantly, we have the photographer figured out:

Affordable, professional photographers providing photographic services to all of the Willamette Valley.

Our friends, Skye and Keith, own Radiance Photographics in Eugene. A photographer, a GOOD photographer, was the one thing I didn't want to compromise on-- since we're eloping, and only having a few select people there, I felt it was important to have pictures of the day. Plus, when I was small I use to love looking at my grandma's parents' wedding picture. I want that for my someday great grandchildren.

We are really lucky-- the only thing I didn't want to compromise on, and the one thing we most likely would not be able to afford (at least on such short notice) is the photographer, and Marc's mom told Marc she wanted to help with that. Which, to be completely frank, is a great blessing not only to us, but now I don't have to ask Skye and Keith to work with us on any sort of budget-- we can just pay them, like normal clients.

Anyways, plans are coming together, and I think we are going to have a wonderful day-- April 17th. I've got ribbon, and umbrellas, we got hoops we're bringing, and on top of everything we get to be in Eugene for a week.

It's sad that I look forward to a week on the floor in Eugene so much-- and that was before we started talking about eloping. Now, it has this whole new element of excitement, and joy to it.

Fairest and the best. On-ward and upward ever, Forward and on, and on; Hail to thee, Land of the Heroes, My Oregon.

So, I haven't officially announced it on facebook, in fact, I've only shared this news with a few people, but since our miscarriage we ovulated for the first time on February 6th, and got our first positive pregnancy test on February 24th.

I'm due October 30, 2014

We are really excited, and really scared. We've had too many losses, and there have been a lot of tragic deaths early on this year-- we need a miracle.  I'm currently doing everything I can to keep myself healthy. I'm sleeping on average ten to twelve hours, I'm eating well, reading what I can, I'm doing light cardio daily (and currently avoiding strength training), I have my first Baby Doctor's Appointment on March 10th, and will most likely be getting an early ultrasound this time around to confirm a heart beat as soon as possible.

I've been stressed by the added judgement I'm going to feel from this pregnancy-- last pregnancy EVERYONE I encountered assumed I was having a home birth, and electing Jess to catch. When, in all reality, the idea of home birth doesn't fit me at all-- it stresses me out, thinking of Jess' van being on my small street for that amount of time, having Ellaine next door; monitoring my household activities, moreover, mixed with the idea of people wanting to stop by to see the baby after it's birth. I hate thinking of the traffic, and people being over here.

Also, I'm not STOKED on the idea of doing an early ultrasound, I feel in most cases it's unnecessary, and ultrasounds have been linked to autism. At the same time, I've had so many miscarriages, that I now need/want the visual verification. I'm not stoked on the idea of it, because, again, I already feel judgement, because I lived with a midwife for five years.

Anyways, it's turning me into someone who will only be sharing intimate details about my pregnancy with Marc, and Deana. I've even stopped trying to share things with Jess, and I've only told her things when she's asked (the one time I tried to share with her ended up being a debacle). Or, I'll over-share, and this pregnancy will read like an open book.

Either way, I know I'm going to cut the first person who assumes anything. Planning our elopement, and quickly becoming pregnant has taught me, very quickly, that Skye's words ring with so much truth:

"NO ONE in the world will handle it the way you want them to. No one will care as much as you and even the people you love the most will find a way to make it more difficult for you. It's always the case."

I went in for a blood draw to check my B-HCG and progesterone levels. Outside of that, it's weird how every beat of my heart is telling me to get the fuck out of Utah.

I hate it here, now, for two. I just don't think it's possible to raise a child the way I want to raise it here in Utah. I'll miss the kids, but I'm use to having Jess only a phone call away. I want to raise a healthy child, in the Oregon outdoors.

I'm really taking that idea seriously. That doesn't mean I'm not dealing with February depression, mixed with the intense fear of miscarriage-- I'm making decisions for two, and making the healthiest decisions I can possibly make for myself. I realize that there is room for improvement in my diet, but I'm impressed by the drive I feel in this pregnancy to 'do things right.'

It's like the idea of health starting at home has really wormed it's way into my brain, and I've been trying to make myself my top priority, because when my beautiful, strong, smart son, or daughter is born-- I'm going to be instilling in them what I've been learning the last couple years.

Here's this week's Groceries from WinCo:

Feeling pretty okay with my healthy food choices

I've been reading a lot about the Fertility diet on top of everything.

We've been cooking at home a lot lately, something I'm pretty proud of.

This pregnancy, whether it fails, or not, I'll be practicing what I'm going to teach my baby: Consistency, Persistence, Discipline, Intensity, Patience, Desire, Focus, Faith.


We do need a miracle, but with, or without we're already pretty blessed.