2 weeks ago today, it was Marc's birthday, and we had that magical, baby-high.
Today.
Well, today, how the mighty have fallen, and how things have flipped.
Today was filled with words like hCG, blood panel, D&C, methotrexate, ectopic, and Dr. Nance reminding me how important it is that I see an endocrinologist specialist as soon as I'm on Marc's insurance.
I had my mom texting me that she wishes I was on the pill as a way to 'reset' my fertility. I love her, and I wish she was here. But, after all the work I've done since 2007 when I was diagnosed with PCOS, mixed with my bad experiences on the pill, met with the fact that I consciously made the decision to get off of it in the summer of 2008-- I just still don't see how the pill is a useful drug for a person in my situation. I don't ovulate, and it just seems silly to take a drug to keep me from doing something I've been naturally trying to correct.
It feels like a day of deep hurt. I'm sad that we never got to that happy part. The part where we get to tell people, and they are legit excited. The part where we don't feel the extra judgment from Marc's more religious family. The part where I move past the first trimester. The part where at the end of 42 and half weeks (let's be realistic) there is a shrunken version of ourselves, that screams, and feeds a lot.
I dunno.
All I do know is, I'm tired of being told it's just not my time. Going over my history with the nurses, student, and the doctor-- reciting the confirmed pregnancies, and the unconfirmed pregnancies (the ones referred to as a Chemical Pregnancy)-- maybe it's not that it's not my time, maybe no one wants to say the cruel truth; some people aren't meant to be mothers.
I may never be a mother.
My one and only chance at raising kids was spent three years with an abusive drunk. Maybe-- Alex, and Ryan are my miracle, and Spirit, or the Higher Power, or whatever is trying to teach me to be grateful for what I had. Two perfect sons, for a couple of great years.
I just want a baby, I am ready. And, I'm failing us.
You're not failing anyone, Sari. I won't tell you it's just not your time. I heard that over and over when I was trying to get pregnant, then over and over again after I did get pregnant that it finally was the right time. But fuck that. I refuse to believe that pregnancies only come at the "right time." If that were the case, rape would never result in pregnancy, addicts would never get pregnant and there wouldn't be wild packs of children roaming every local Walmart in America. Pregnancy is about biology. I'm so, so sorry your body is refusing to support and nurture that little life you SO deserve. I just want you to know, even if your body never lets you have a baby the way you've always wanted, there are other options. And there is hope. There is always hope. Sometimes hope is all we have, and the times when it feels like it isn't nearly enough are the times we need it most. This journey will never be easy for you. But you are strong and brave, and I will support you every step of your way.
ReplyDelete