Live for something lighter, bigger, and better than you.

"Live for something lighter, bigger, and better than you." --Yogi Teabag

Ever since I got Deana's text yesterday that read; "I think you've been through enough, and it's better to know for sure," all I can hear is her voice asking "Haven't we been through enough?"

As I sit here, writing this, with Marc sleeping soundly to my left I can't help but think that my greatest trauma is my greatest catalyst for change.

Someday, I will be a mother, and if it's not from this pregnancy it will hurt, but I can remember's Marc's promise that we'll be parents someday.

Yesterday, I spent a good three/four hours in the Emergency Room-- on Thursday morning, I had some weird spotting (very little, very light brown), and even though it tempered down I was still having some of the weird spotting when I woke up Friday morning. I don't want to be that woman that freaks out over everything, but at the same time, this isn't my first rodeo. I decided that I couldn't wait until Monday for my appointment with Dr. Nance, and that if I was suffering another loss I wanted to know, and if I wasn't I wanted to be reassured.

When I left, they couldn't tell me if my current pregnancy is viable. When I got home I was readying myself to EMAIL Dr. Nance to alert him of my ER visit, and let him know what labs/test we ran, etcetera, and he called me. I guess, Dr. Lee (the doctor I saw while in the ER), is a friend of his, and notified him that one of his patients was in the ER.

Since Dr. Lee didn't want to give me a transvaginal ultrasound (I wasn't bleeding at the time of my physical), our current plan of goes as follows; keep my Monday Baby Appointment as a follow up. I already had a blood draw for my hGC levels on Tuesday, and we did it again yesterday-- since it was only up 30% instead of 50%, it may be some cause for concern that I'm following in the steps of my previous miscarriages. So, early on Monday I'll be getting more labs done before I go into my appointment in the afternoon.

I did some reading on hCG, and Dr. Nance also explained to me, that we may be fine, but I'm a realist, and I don't know what's worse-- getting my hopes up, or having no hope at all.

"A low hCG level can mean any number of things and should be rechecked within 48-72 hours to see how the level is changing. A low hCG level could indicate:

• Miscalculation of pregnancy dating
• Possible miscarriage or blighted ovum
• Ectopic pregnancy "

Like I mentioned in my previous blog-- we are ready for a miracle.

But, I'm prepared for our only miracle to be a Spring Oregon trip, and our elopement.

Oregon

So, I'm trying desperately to focus on our fast approaching wedding date (April 17th) which is in 40 days. The reason we started trying for a baby before this date is because we figured with my irregular ovulating it would take some time for us to get pregnant-- I kinda wish we thought this through more thoroughly.

Anyways, it's hard to focus on wedding stuff, when pregnancy stuff is on my mind, and vice-versa.

I feel like we've got our shit together for the most part as far as the elopement plans.

I've given up on my original dress I wanted to wear, ordered a different one completely this morning, and I am thinking of ordering a second to help guarantee something will work in my favor.

I think my pintrest wedding board is full of Do It Yourself instructions for Boho Flower Crowns, we are having our friend perform the ceremony, and I ordered spanx, and a nice (more expensive than I've ever paid) bra for my under-dress things. I have my moccasins I plan on wearing on their way (despite Deana not being able to picture it, it's gonna happen), and my friend Heidi is making our 'reception' (if you can call it that) cake, and our cake topper is on it's way (it says; "As You Wish")! I have a list of restaurants I like for dinner after on the 17th-- Excelsior being at the top of that list.

Other than that, Marc is planning on wearing a suit he already owns, and outside of having him try it on, and we'll also most likely get him new shoes, he is taken care of. I need to figure out a bouquet I like, and just start sending crap to Stormy-- as I figure anything I want can be made.

And, most importantly, we have the photographer figured out:

Affordable, professional photographers providing photographic services to all of the Willamette Valley.

Our friends, Skye and Keith, own Radiance Photographics in Eugene. A photographer, a GOOD photographer, was the one thing I didn't want to compromise on-- since we're eloping, and only having a few select people there, I felt it was important to have pictures of the day. Plus, when I was small I use to love looking at my grandma's parents' wedding picture. I want that for my someday great grandchildren.

We are really lucky-- the only thing I didn't want to compromise on, and the one thing we most likely would not be able to afford (at least on such short notice) is the photographer, and Marc's mom told Marc she wanted to help with that. Which, to be completely frank, is a great blessing not only to us, but now I don't have to ask Skye and Keith to work with us on any sort of budget-- we can just pay them, like normal clients.

Anyways, plans are coming together, and I think we are going to have a wonderful day-- April 17th. I've got ribbon, and umbrellas, we got hoops we're bringing, and on top of everything we get to be in Eugene for a week.

It's sad that I look forward to a week on the floor in Eugene so much-- and that was before we started talking about eloping. Now, it has this whole new element of excitement, and joy to it.