Fairest and the best. On-ward and upward ever, Forward and on, and on; Hail to thee, Land of the Heroes, My Oregon.

So, I haven't officially announced it on facebook, in fact, I've only shared this news with a few people, but since our miscarriage we ovulated for the first time on February 6th, and got our first positive pregnancy test on February 24th.

I'm due October 30, 2014

We are really excited, and really scared. We've had too many losses, and there have been a lot of tragic deaths early on this year-- we need a miracle.  I'm currently doing everything I can to keep myself healthy. I'm sleeping on average ten to twelve hours, I'm eating well, reading what I can, I'm doing light cardio daily (and currently avoiding strength training), I have my first Baby Doctor's Appointment on March 10th, and will most likely be getting an early ultrasound this time around to confirm a heart beat as soon as possible.

I've been stressed by the added judgement I'm going to feel from this pregnancy-- last pregnancy EVERYONE I encountered assumed I was having a home birth, and electing Jess to catch. When, in all reality, the idea of home birth doesn't fit me at all-- it stresses me out, thinking of Jess' van being on my small street for that amount of time, having Ellaine next door; monitoring my household activities, moreover, mixed with the idea of people wanting to stop by to see the baby after it's birth. I hate thinking of the traffic, and people being over here.

Also, I'm not STOKED on the idea of doing an early ultrasound, I feel in most cases it's unnecessary, and ultrasounds have been linked to autism. At the same time, I've had so many miscarriages, that I now need/want the visual verification. I'm not stoked on the idea of it, because, again, I already feel judgement, because I lived with a midwife for five years.

Anyways, it's turning me into someone who will only be sharing intimate details about my pregnancy with Marc, and Deana. I've even stopped trying to share things with Jess, and I've only told her things when she's asked (the one time I tried to share with her ended up being a debacle). Or, I'll over-share, and this pregnancy will read like an open book.

Either way, I know I'm going to cut the first person who assumes anything. Planning our elopement, and quickly becoming pregnant has taught me, very quickly, that Skye's words ring with so much truth:

"NO ONE in the world will handle it the way you want them to. No one will care as much as you and even the people you love the most will find a way to make it more difficult for you. It's always the case."

I went in for a blood draw to check my B-HCG and progesterone levels. Outside of that, it's weird how every beat of my heart is telling me to get the fuck out of Utah.

I hate it here, now, for two. I just don't think it's possible to raise a child the way I want to raise it here in Utah. I'll miss the kids, but I'm use to having Jess only a phone call away. I want to raise a healthy child, in the Oregon outdoors.

I'm really taking that idea seriously. That doesn't mean I'm not dealing with February depression, mixed with the intense fear of miscarriage-- I'm making decisions for two, and making the healthiest decisions I can possibly make for myself. I realize that there is room for improvement in my diet, but I'm impressed by the drive I feel in this pregnancy to 'do things right.'

It's like the idea of health starting at home has really wormed it's way into my brain, and I've been trying to make myself my top priority, because when my beautiful, strong, smart son, or daughter is born-- I'm going to be instilling in them what I've been learning the last couple years.

Here's this week's Groceries from WinCo:

Feeling pretty okay with my healthy food choices

I've been reading a lot about the Fertility diet on top of everything.

We've been cooking at home a lot lately, something I'm pretty proud of.

This pregnancy, whether it fails, or not, I'll be practicing what I'm going to teach my baby: Consistency, Persistence, Discipline, Intensity, Patience, Desire, Focus, Faith.


We do need a miracle, but with, or without we're already pretty blessed.