It's weird how comforting Lindsay's short song is, and how soothing his voice is in my head:
She broke down and let me in
Made me see where I've been
Been down one time
Been down two times
I'm never going back again
Been down two times
I'm never going back again
You don't know what it means to win
Come down and see me again
Been down one time
Been down two times
I'm never going back again
I needed to do something with my grief-- as all I was doing was a lot of sitting around, as I waited for test results to come back. I got video footage three times, once while I was smoking, breathing, and trying to pull my shit together, then a video of me writing where I finally just let my shit go and sobbed, and finally a video of me dancing to the song with my hoop.
I put the song on repeat off of my little lap top, and danced to it twice. It was my first time picking up my hoop and REALLY hooping, in nearly three weeks. I really like what I caught on camera-- raw emotions as I cried, and hooped. I couldn't cut any of it, so instead I sped it up 2x, and left the drops, and imperfections.
If I left the video as is, without speeding up any of it, or cutting anything down(the crying, smoking, or dancing), there is about thirty minutes you're watching in a 2:17 period of time.
I put the song on repeat off of my little lap top, and danced to it twice. It was my first time picking up my hoop and REALLY hooping, in nearly three weeks. I really like what I caught on camera-- raw emotions as I cried, and hooped. I couldn't cut any of it, so instead I sped it up 2x, and left the drops, and imperfections.
If I left the video as is, without speeding up any of it, or cutting anything down(the crying, smoking, or dancing), there is about thirty minutes you're watching in a 2:17 period of time.
Anyways, I guess I should go over the experience of the last few days.
My pregnancy for sure is/was ectopic. An Ectopic Pregnancy is a pregnancy that occurs outside the womb (uterus). It is life-threatening to the mother.
It was really hard going from a happy-high of our 'miracle' positive pregnancy test on Marc's birthday, to the slow realization (on my own) that this pregnancy was also not healthy, to our final diagnoses.
Everything that can be said about this situation seems trite, cliche, and not that comforting at this point. I've told myself to be grateful that it was so early on, to be grateful we caught it before a rupture, be grateful that my fallopian tubes 'look clean,' and, my personal favorite, be grateful I'm even capable of getting pregnant. Really, none of that helps in the least bit.
After about a bizzillion tests (really just a few labs) to determine if I was healthy enough for the medication option to treat this situation it was only a manner of dealing with the headache of my insurance paying for it-- I really enjoyed the part where I was nearly denied being seen, because of random problem with my insurance. It's always magic dealing with something potentially life-threatening, and then denied medical treatment.
To make a long story short, I was healthy enough for the methotrexate, a cancer medication sometimes used in treating abnormally rapid cell growth. And, today, thanks to WebMD, I was able to find some less-scary reading material about using Methotrexate for Ectopic Pregnancy.
The injection was given to me in two doses on Wednesday. Thursday, I felt emotional, and sore-- I texted Dr. Nance for pain medication. Today, I am incredibly grateful for that insight, because around 11 AM this morning I started bleeding, and now I am in so much pain its nearly blinding.
I am laying on my heating pad, trying to decide if I should go in to the ER, or not. There's always pain with my miscarriages, but I'm still in danger of a rupture (I have no fever) so I have no clue if I'm just working myself up over the pain, or if I legit should go in.
I'm going to eat, take my next pain dose, and talk to Marc/Jess when they get here in the next couple of hours to decide. I figure if I'm rational to make that decision, I'm good to wait and see if I can get this under control myself.
I appreciate the love and support I've been recieving. Jess, Marc, Skye, and Deana have really been there either physically, or by daily texts-- not to mention the love and kindness from friends, and hoopers on facebook, plus counting my blessings for the love and support I get from my work.
My pregnancy for sure is/was ectopic. An Ectopic Pregnancy is a pregnancy that occurs outside the womb (uterus). It is life-threatening to the mother.
It was really hard going from a happy-high of our 'miracle' positive pregnancy test on Marc's birthday, to the slow realization (on my own) that this pregnancy was also not healthy, to our final diagnoses.
Everything that can be said about this situation seems trite, cliche, and not that comforting at this point. I've told myself to be grateful that it was so early on, to be grateful we caught it before a rupture, be grateful that my fallopian tubes 'look clean,' and, my personal favorite, be grateful I'm even capable of getting pregnant. Really, none of that helps in the least bit.
After about a bizzillion tests (really just a few labs) to determine if I was healthy enough for the medication option to treat this situation it was only a manner of dealing with the headache of my insurance paying for it-- I really enjoyed the part where I was nearly denied being seen, because of random problem with my insurance. It's always magic dealing with something potentially life-threatening, and then denied medical treatment.
To make a long story short, I was healthy enough for the methotrexate, a cancer medication sometimes used in treating abnormally rapid cell growth. And, today, thanks to WebMD, I was able to find some less-scary reading material about using Methotrexate for Ectopic Pregnancy.
The injection was given to me in two doses on Wednesday. Thursday, I felt emotional, and sore-- I texted Dr. Nance for pain medication. Today, I am incredibly grateful for that insight, because around 11 AM this morning I started bleeding, and now I am in so much pain its nearly blinding.
I am laying on my heating pad, trying to decide if I should go in to the ER, or not. There's always pain with my miscarriages, but I'm still in danger of a rupture (I have no fever) so I have no clue if I'm just working myself up over the pain, or if I legit should go in.
I'm going to eat, take my next pain dose, and talk to Marc/Jess when they get here in the next couple of hours to decide. I figure if I'm rational to make that decision, I'm good to wait and see if I can get this under control myself.
I appreciate the love and support I've been recieving. Jess, Marc, Skye, and Deana have really been there either physically, or by daily texts-- not to mention the love and kindness from friends, and hoopers on facebook, plus counting my blessings for the love and support I get from my work.
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