October 14, 2013: "There is no substitute for hard work or integrity..."

After work today, Bradford and I spent $12 on a little date. We've been trying to make the time to explore, adventure, get out, and smile a little more often. So, this late afternoon/early evening we took advantage of some spare time we had.

We drove to the Florence drive-in A&W and grabbed a couple of burgers to go, then headed 5 miles North out of town to Darlingtonia Natural Site. The little state park is the only Oregon state park dedicated to the protection of a single plant species-- and, Darlingtonias are awesome, interesting, carnivorous, and pretty!

We ate our burgers in our little two door car, as the rain hammered outside. Once finished, I was grateful I had changed into my hiking boots while I was still at work, because my Columbia boots are well insulated not to mention water proof. We spent a good portion of time looking at not just the cobra lillies, but at different mushrooms growing wildly on the 18 acre park. After hiking around the bog and peat, Bradford and I drove up Mercer Lake Road up to the boat ramp, and saw beautiful views of clean, clear blue waters, as the fog started to roll in.

We took that fog as a sign to start heading East, back to Eugene, to enjoy a much deserved weekend.

I think it is really neat how easy it has been for us to find things to do, look at, and enjoy. We've done a couple different trail heads at Sweet Creek Falls, we have plans to travel to Triangle Lake soon so we can look at the Salmon at the rock slides (fish ladders, yo, look it up), there is a county park that we often stop at on our way from Florence, that we are constantly enjoying, because of the changes in the Siuslaw River, and little hidden trails, and I imagine it is only a matter of time before Bradford discovers the endless new things to see around the Siuslaw forest-- including, my fear of him deciding he must see Drift Creek Falls for no other reason to look at the suspension bridge.

It has been fun getting to know our soon to be new town. Bradford goes for walks, almost daily, on the Oregon beaches. It makes me jealous most days. He recently was hired full-time for a new position that he will be starting soon. I can't help feeling a little sad that I'll no longer have him all the time. He does a really fair job of catering to my needs with the high stress that comes along with my job. It has really made me appreciate him. The caregiver's caregiver.

Honestly, I have a great deal of appreciation for the support I have received since starting this job. I've been combating the negatives by being a little more social with friends, and it has been nice. I see Skye, and Juliet the most (proximity), but I have been lucky enough to see my friend Stephanie and her husband a few times, and I had supper last week with Brett and Colbi and may have also watched Dances With Wolves.

In the meantime, I've decided to take a break from hashtagging everything "Fit Girls Guide." It isn't that great, or interesting a thing-- it is simply not for me at this time. 

Last Jumpstart, I mentioned (on IG) wanting to try FGG stylechallenge for no other reason than thinking it would make Jessie happy. I participated in twelve days of both fitgirlsguide's photochallenge, and of the FGG stylechallenges, and I started to take note of a lot of things I did not enjoy. First, participating in both challenges for that short period made me realize how much time and effort was being invested online, instead of being present with my partner and friends when I am in my off time.

I've mentioned before that I work a four day on, two day off rotation, however I also work twelves, and pick up shifts, within reason-- in a four day span of time (that's 96 hours)  I worked under sixty hours, when you add on top of that the 9 hours and twenty minutes of driving we did during that time that only leaves me with 29 hours of free time. Naturally, I slept during that time, so, really I have no free time during my work week.

Doing the challenges was a type of shallow stress I couldn't handle. And, for me, it does feel extremely shallow to spend that time on social media when I could be doing yoga, walking Jack, spending time with Bradford, meal-prepping, balancing my hard work life with brevity and time with loved ones, and legitimate care for myself versus being one of many just "friend" collecting under the guise of being supportive.

I haven't been online much, but when I have my social media accounts have been getting an overhaul-- my Instagram in particular has been whittled back down to a manageable number. My feed still has a lot of the Fitgirls on it that I have met over the past several months since finding the community, because despite my inability to focus on some aspects of challenge, I still long for community and support, but it's a lot more legitimate fitness orientated men and women, a lot more positivity, more workouts, more outdoors, and meal prepping ideas, and a lot less foolish selfies and licking one another's taint for drinking a glass of water.

It is the stuff I need to see to keep me focused on my goals of caring for myself without the pain and anguish I feel as I desperately struggle to keep up, and stress when I can't participate the way I want to. So far, I've liked this jumpstart better, so far, doing my own thing while still enjoying watching the community participate. And, hopefully, soon, I will be participating to some degree again, but until then I am feeling happy, and free setting and smashing the shit out of my goals, a little more quietly.

Go, Go, Go -- Action at The Raisin Ranch

Yogi wisdom

Four days on, two days off schedule rotation has me renaming the days of the week to better suit me. That is one example of how my life has changed the last 28 days. Funny enough, the last 28 day Jumpstart began on my first day of work at my new job as a caregiver.

And, things have changed, drastically, and I find myself reeling from all of it sometimes. The biggest change can not be seen-- my faith has been awaken after eleven years of sleep, and it feels surprising, new, insincere, and jarring.

I guess it's not overly surprising, seeing that I have a clearly agnostic view on life, and I have quite a few spiritual practices I do on my own-- mostly honoring tradition, and seasonal change. I guess the surprise is the feelings that I feel at work.

Owens Rose Garden

I see truly miraculous things every single day at my work.
I see truly ugly, and heartbreaking things every single day at my work.
It has been 28 days of personal growth, new adventures, discovery, new stories, unexpected change, and real, quiet reflection.

If I weren't shaken at times from the experiences I've undergone the last month then I would be heartless.

In the meantime, I've been really struggling with the fitgirl community. I honestly feel that the struggle must be stemming from jealous feelings; I want to commit and participate 100% in the group challenge, however with adjusting with my new schedule I fell behind on the photo challenges. Then I started feeling angry, because I see a lot of the same girls being featured on fitgirlsguide, and the more I viewed things as a weird popularity contest the more I felt put out by the idea of participation.

#fitgirlstylechallenge

What originally attracted me to the community was the go-at-your-own-pace, happy comradery. I don't feel that anymore. I feel like unless you are online constantly, non-stop then you are not part of the community-- which was fine when I was miserable in Utah, however being happy in Oregon, and with the new job now certain aspects of participation feels shallow. Which is funny, because for the most part, I LOVE my instagram feed during my breaks, because my feed is full of fitgirls and positivity, and is a million miles away from shallow.

So, here I sit, feeling grateful for meal prep days, grateful for being active, and grateful for the commitment I feel toward my health, but feeling like it's okay to need the space from Facebook and Instagram to focus on human connections versus the approval, likes, and validation of strangers. I love social media for making far away people feel close, but I hate how social media makes me feel, and overall fitgirlsguide is all about social media.

My time lately is precious, and I've been making it a point to keep some resemblance of a social life to help balance work. Normally when I work this much, I counteract that with sleep only. Lately, I've made it a point to work 40+ hours a week, have over a two hour commute a day, meal prep, yoga, hoop, and walk, along with trying to visit friends from time to time, and keep up on our home as we look for a new place closer to where I am working. And, soon, Bradford and I will be studying again together!

Partying down at Stephanie's house

We've both been so active (Bradford and I), and so excited about moving soon (fingers crossed, happy thoughts, prayers, and warm wishes welcome while we look). I've been trying to enjoy flowers more, hike as much as possible, participate with Jack Harvey as much as I can, appreciate every moment I am on the beach looking at the Pacific, take pictures when I can, and now that my phone is activated(yes, it was disconnected for a little while) I want to make it a point to send more texts to my family more often (pictures included), and I plan to start writing to Jessie, Ian and the kiddos again once we are in our new place, and I can have a writing area for myself.

 

Bewitching Witchy Witch Ways

I have officially been hired as a Personal Care Attendant at an assisted living residence, and as my sweet love snoozes silently to my right, I can't help feeling a giant weight lift from my shoulders-- along side Steve, my friend's dad, deciding to let us stay in his home while we get on our feet 100%, honestly, this is the best life has felt in a long while for me.

I have never been more elated, nervous, and enthralled by the idea of starting a new career venture. This job can potentially mean so much to us, and I am so excited by that. First, it is in Florence, Oregon-- the town that Bradford and I have decided to make our home we are hoping for five years to indefinitely. And, most importantly, I have high hopes of this work being very rewarding-- providing quality care, love and support to people at the end of life. I am working in the memory care wing, which means, heartache and joy.

So, this weekend we are getting ourselves ready to start this new chapter in our lives. We have plans to get many things done, and hopefully we actually do some of them!

First off, get paid! Thank god, for Theya today!

We meal planned for the first few days of work, and plan on grocery shopping today, and meal prepping tomorrow. We need to get me new work pants, and shoes. Bradford asked if we can budget some money to get him two, or three new tops to possible interview in-- and, if we have the money, I want to do that for him sooner than later. We need to get our cell phones fixed, and pay our car insurance.

We want to make a run to the Eugene Mission with some second hand, well loved goods to donate prior to the weather getting too terrible. We also want to get both of the spare rooms in the house picked up, find our coffee maker (we've been using the mocha pot), I have a hoop to finish for my friend, Kendra, and a hoop to make for an online acquaintance's 9-year-old daughter.

And, that brings us to this-- I have pushed Buckleberry Hoops to the back burner.

However, I have continued to make and wrap hoops for friends. It's not about the money, or making a name for myself. It has been about loving the hoop, and trying so hard to do what is best for both Bradford and I.

I really want to make Buckleberry Hoops a priority in the very near future-- I even told Bradford the other day that I really wanted to plan on selling hoops at the Rhododendron Festival in Florence, Oregon next Spring. But, for the time being I am really enjoying my time *inside* my hoop. I am enjoying helping friends, and doing a good job, taking my time, and doing things mostly at cost for people. I have learned more than I thought possible since putting the business side of hooping on the back burner, and I have loved hooping a lot more since I have put space between me and the hooping community.

It has been a beautiful, full summer. I am loving this time between Lammas and Mabon. I am loving the feeling I am carrying around inside of me as we enter into Mabon. It's gratefulness, and love. It's calm and peace. It's determination, and quiet fortitude. It is moving forward, setting goals, and working hard.

Too Lovely a Taint

Things have been moving quickly the past two weeks and four days.

Since my last post, Bradford and I have made the decision to move to Florence, and since we made that decision things have been moving quickly, and smoothly. I have had a total of five interviews with prospective employees in Florence, some in person, some via phone, and one on Skype.

I am getting excited at the prospect of our move for so, so many reasons that it is hard to find words.

Stephanie at Heceta Beach

Taco and Bellamy

Also, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love and support we've gained from our people since making this decision. My parents, as usual, want for me whatever I want in this world as long as it makes me happy. My friend, Stephanie, drove me last week to make some face-to-face contacts and make appointments-- she braved a long car ride with two dogs, and a nervous me, and after we were done with responsibility we smoked a joint on the beach. It was love.

My friend, Skye, took me again to Florence on Wednesday for an interview that went really well.

Wednesday was my favorite, because I didn't have to miss "work," we packed Kyran, Kesey, and Juliet in the car and made an entire day of it. Skye got me to my interview on time, and then took the kids to the local Safeway by herself to gather the remaining things we needed for our picnic after I was done with my interview.

I was picked up probably four minutes after I was finished talking to the hiring manager about plans to potentially have me working as a Personal Care Attendant come the beginning of September. It was enough time to get my nerves in check prior to getting in the car with children and having a full, fun day, and it really was a fun, full day!

Juliet and I hiking the Hobbit Trail -- the pictures are a little over a year apart

I love these faces.

Ah, da zee. 

 On Tuesday night, I had baked some Peanut Butter Dark Chocolate Chip Cookies, fixed up some Chicken Salad (I used the Salade Nicoise Redux Recipe from the FitGirlsGuide 28 Day Jumpstart with Chicken instead of Tuna, and chopped up the red pepper instead of serving the salad in a red pepper) and with the Chicken Salad we made awesome 5 Second Wraps. Matched with Sliced oranges, celery sticks, hummus, salad, and cucumber from our garden-- we ended up having quite the feast on the hiking trail on our way to Hobbit Trails Beach.

And, Hobbit Trails Beach in Florence, Oregon is one of my favorite places that I have experienced in my life (and I love that living in Florence means I can keep going back, as often as I would like).

After having such a serious interview that made me feel like I had taken a hard look at the brevity of life, it was important, healing, and good that we had planned a full day on the beach. The half mile hike from the parking spot down to the ocean is easy, and fun for kids-- with lots of hiding spots and misleading side trails, the trail is aptly named.

Seeing the ocean, even from the trail made me feel instantly small, made me think about my mom, and brought about a lot of positive emotions for me. I felt elated and nervous at the same time over our current life plans, and I felt happily put back in place in this huge, wide, universe as I found myself quoting Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot as we made our way through the Siuslaw National Forest down to the Pacific Ocean.

The kids had a great day. Skye had a great day. And, my Wednesday, and work week felt enriched experiencing so many emotions while having such amazing tiny humans nearby.


And, while on the beach, in the midst of soul searching, and quiet meditation I spent my time looking for special beach treasurers to send to our sweet Violet, who turned seven on Wednesday, August 10th. Ever bewildering, our littlest beast is getting more mighty and I can't help, but feel sadness mixed in among my joy, because no matter how perfect and beautiful things are I can't help missing the Littles and Jess back in Utah.

 

When I called Violet on our way home after driving Kyran, and Kesey home (we had to get some BJ's Ice Cream on our way home, otherwise what's the point of the trip?!), my sadness didn't last long on the phone with her. She was so happy to be talking to me (I could hear it in her warrior voice), and as I told her about finding special things to send her from Oregon and her telling me she would really like it if I got her a Fennekin (fox Pokemon), I told her my plans to move to the ocean, and she was so joyous for me.

It made my heart want to burst with the love-- and maybe also kidnap Jess and Ian's children, but that's for another blog post... <3

BJS!

Sleepy, happy children <3

As You Start & End Your Day, Be Thankful For Every Little Thing In Your Life. You Will Come to Realize How Blessed You Truly Are.

Things have been going quite well. 

My reasoning why I haven't posted a lot of these random pieces I've written, or started is simple; I am busy loving life.

I work from home, caring for Kyran and Kesey-- my friends', Tony (and Sandy) and Theya (and Steve's) 8 and 11 year old children, and I also have Juliet quite often, my friends' 3 year old daughter. It has been a wonderful summer learning so much about these three neat little people, and amongst the learning there is a lot of playing, planning, giggling, yelling, heads knocking about, and all other matters of random summer time kid fun.

We rent a small home from my friend's dad-- he is the kids I watch grandfather, cheaply, and that, by far, has been the biggest blessing. We don't have family nearby, however having my close friend live next door, having her father's help, having children around-- are all things that have helped steady us as we've started back out here in Oregon.

We couldn't be happier being back in our home state.

However, now that it is the end of July, and the kids will be starting school in a little over a month, it is time to start planning our next move. And, honestly, we are thinking of moving to Florence, Oregon-- a small coastal town, about 47 miles West from my hometown, surrounded by water, fog, rain, deep greens, and grays that stick to your bones.

We like the idea of a small town. We like the idea of still being close to our friends. We aren't positive when Bradford will start school, and there is seemingly cheaper housing. I was offered a position at a residential living for the elderly and if the position will be available once I am finished with my summer position I will take the opportunity.

We do have a few immediate concerns-- we are both looking for future employment, we are currently living pay check to pay check (hey, that's sometimes life), we need to fix the brakes on our car, I need to renew my license, and our rental agreement is up come mid-September.

So, things are by no means perfect, but we are happy, healthy, I am hooping, and we love it here ten folds more than Utah, and bask in it's pure superiority daily. And, though life carries on; pregnancy, cancer, births, deaths, weddings, fair-time (lol), kiddos, little stressers, blah, blah, blah-- we can't help feeling so, so grateful.

Our home is Oregon, and now we just need to find me, Bradford, Schrodinger, and Gabriel a place to set roots, and it is so, so comforting to have a plan. 

Also, I recently have started taping again, I have stepped up my practice, and I am slowly but surely trying to start teaching (again). It feels amazing, but I also have a lot of anxiety surrounding my hoop aspirations. I am kinda hoping to be that quirky, coastal lady-- with a cute little garden, with a rickety little fence surrounding it, two cats, wind chimes, and selling and dancing with hula hoops at the little Farmer's Market in Old Town. 

I have always wanted to have a little Restaurant on the coast. I am not saying that's in the offing tomorrow, but I do see myself finding joy, adventure, and a life in Florence. I see myself hooping, cooking, reading and writing-- finding my creativity in storms, working hard, and maybe even finding some solace and time to recuperate, heal, and dance. <3

"They say to dance like nobody is watching. I think that implies that we are afraid or ashamed to dance in front of the people. I say dance like everybody is watching. Dance like your children are watching, your ancestors, your family. Dance for those who are hurting, those who can't dance, those who lost loved ones and those who suffer injustices throughout the world. Let every step be a prayer for humanity! Most of all dance for the Creator, who breathed into your soul so you may celebrate this gift of life!" -- Supaman

Muscle to Muscle and Toe to Toe / The Fear Has Gripped Me But Here I Go

Working Logistics Associate, and Artist

 Twenty days.

In twenty days I will be getting on a big iron bird and flying back to Oregon. By the time I leave it'll have been 208 days I spent here. By the time Bradford leaves 251 days for him.

When we were coming here Kieran had wrote me an email saying that I shouldn't think about leaving Oregon, and only think about coming home to him and the rest of my family. And, I did.

From October to the end of January not only did I have Jess and the Littles nearby, but I also had Old Navy. However, since the beginning of 2016 I have gotten a total of only 61 hours at Old Navy.

Moreover, my last working shift I was harassed consistently and nonstop.

On Thursday, March 24th I had been assigned to open the Boys department. I was set out to do this before 7:30, and at 6:50/7AM I was asked by one of my managers how many boxes I had left. I had six left, and knew I would be done on time, and instead of running the boys products I was asked to jump into women's to help open the women's products.

Between 7 and 7:30 I had an additional five FULL boxes set into my department. I felt really proud that I had everything open, including the five extra boxes by 7:45-- only fifteen minutes off from my projected time.

However, by the time I was done with the boys department, I was feeling extremely irritated-- the last  twenty minutes of my opening I had six different interruptions-- managers sending over my coworker to ask me if I was done, and to hop into women's as soon as boy's is open. That is an interruption every three and a half minutes.

Every three and a half minutes.

3 and 1/2 minutes.

At the end of that shift I knew it was time to start saying my mental goodbyes to my time working for GAP Inc.

The following week while I was working my second, consistent job I got a call from my Old Navy, I was unable to answer the call, because I was working. Over the weekend I checked my messages and discovered that it was the manager that had sent me home, because of the heated argument that happened on the 24th-- she had pulled me into a storage room, spoke to me in a condescending tone, and then sent me home when I needed space from her because I told her all I wanted was to work, and she wouldn't allow me to.

I was unable to call back, because I had an extremely busy weekend.

The next week I got a call from the same manager. I had already written my two weeks notice, and sent it in while I was on my fifteen at work, and on the same break I noticed I had a call from Old Navy. I noted the call and saw that I had a voicemail, but I completely forgot about it until, again the weekend (it's like I am busy until I have free time, or something).

This time when I checked my messages it was the same manager saying that if I didn't call her back that she was going to let me go. I do not respond to threats well, and since then I have been walking around angry.

I am angry because I moved states for the promise of a job with hours. I am angry, because not a single thing planned at Old Navy fell through. I have always worked with amazing managers with this company, however from January to April I have experienced extreme apathy from management and my respect for these women has dwindled.

From October until April my primary need and want has been to work, work hard, go home, and eventually make my way back to the Pacific Northwest (bye-bye Southwest). However, it is hard to do a job, and do a job well when you are lacking certain key elements at work. For example:

My managers had a strict rule about name tags, but did I ever get a name tag after the holiday even after asking eight times? No. 

My last week at the store did I find food someone had placed in my locker that had expired ten days before? Yes.

Did managers care when I mentioned it? No.

My last week were my personal belongings gone from my locker with absolutely no explanation, or concern from management? Yes. 

Did I ever receive my employee discount card? Nope. 

Was I repeatedly treated disrespectfully and when I spoke to management about my concerns was anything ever done? I did not feel respected, and I have no clue if any of my concerns fell upon deaf ears. 

So, next week, the week that marks one years since my mother's passing, I will also be saying my final goodbyes to Old Navy, and my time at GAP, Inc (RIP 2011-2016).  I am mostly sad at this point. I feel thoroughly picked on by the manager that has left harassing and threatening messages, and honestly, will be glad when I no longer have to interact with her at all. I loved my overall time with the company, and refuse to let the last four months, or my time at the Eugene, Oregon location, dictate my overall positive experience.

Hooping Lead Photo

Sometimes, it is okay to let go of something once it no longer serves you.


Anyways, I am sad to be leaving for a few reasons, all of which revolve around missing people that have loved, supported and been family for me throughout my twenties. People who were, again there for me, and Bradford, when we literally had nothing we could do to help get us on our feet. These are the same people that made Salt Lake a place for me.

But, I've said it so many times on my blog, it is literally ridiculous; SL, UT (Salt Lake, Utah) is only good when I am living at The Compound. So, the natural conclusion I have reached is always going to be the entire Walters clan needs to move with me, and since that won't happen we'll do the next best thing: visits.

Bradford and I, both want to move back to our valley of milk and honey. We want to raise our cats and our hypothetical someday only child in a place where the air is breathable, and the water tasty and healthy straight from the tap. We are both exploring our options for school-- considering what we both may want for long-term while attempting to reach short term goals (jobs, roof over head, Oregon).

There are a lot of unknowns, and variables. I am scared about leaving the security we've built up here, but I am praying that, if anything, our time in Utah has taught us we can do anything. I am mostly nervous leaving our security, and not having my partner around for a good month/month and a half nearby to rely on one another.

I am not worried about our relationship, per say. I think my worry mostly stems from knowing I'll miss Bradford terribly.

I love being near him.

There are times where we are snuggled close together, and he'll whisper or sing song lyrics softly to me, and it's comforting, loving, warm, and so, so Bradford. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I heard quietly:

"There's an energy
When you hold me
When you touch me
It's so powerful
I can feel it
When you hold me
When you touch me
It's so powerful"

Because, you know, Major Lazer is romance.

I guess after I leave in twenty days my happy thought will be our reunion-- and, while I wait for Bradford I will work toward goals and having a pleasant late spring/early summer.

Speaking of Goals, tis the day I will be crafting mine, so even though I haven't written in a long while, and I could probably go on for forever, I will end this entry.