*Sigh*
There are lots of silver linings to look forward to, but I also feel a lot of sadness, and stress. We already passed the day we had been planning to be our wedding day, and I survived.
Seriously, work and being busy has been my saving grace. Outside of that, I think therapy is really working it's magic. I hope I'm able to continue seeing someone once I am settled in my new place, new store location, and new life.
I've been trying to deal with one feeling at a time, and counter the negative with really uplifting positive thoughts. In the meanwhile, during my appointment before last, Jenny gave me a little bit of homework-- she told me to look into the book Stop Walking On Eggshells, which I've already started, and to start showing the same compassion I show others to myself.
So, today, I had my last massage with my favorite masseuse (Fallon)-- it was amazing. We met at an outside location away from the clinic I originally met her, it was an hour and a half of pure bless, and afterward she asked me to do something else kind for myself, and then she gifted me the massage asking me to take the money I would have spent on the session towards my birthday night, and the promise I'll text her.
Fallon also told me that I was looking really good. She said I looked radiant, healthy, glowing, and more happy. That really warmed my heart, especially since I've been feeling kinda negative. With all the hormone changes I've had fluctuating weight changes-- nothing I know is forever, but in the midst of moving, putting all the exercise things in boxes to be shipped, and working all the time, I've been mostly trying to eat (mostly) okay, and just be forgiving of myself and keep trucking towards my fast approaching move date.
In the meantime, I've been thinking the kindest, most compassionate thing I can do for myself at this time is start making, and reaching goals. I haven't done that since we confirmed our last loss, and I think the best way to move forward is to find normality in what my new life is going to be like.
So, until now, and the end of May I am setting the following goals for myself:
75 miles, or as many miles as possible in the next 38 days
Login to MFP, keep track of food diary
Participate in Paced breathing exercises 5 days a week
Commute by bicycle as much as possible
Get 8 hours of sleep a night
Read a book
Be positive at work, smile more, slow down breathing
4x exercise a week
supplement
Re-focus on drinking as much water as possible throughout the day
I know some of these goals I've made, and reached before in the past, and I realize that a lot of these things I do near daily as part of my lifestyle-- but, I put them on my goals list, because I want to make certain things a priority. I am out of practice, and need to get back to basics.
Plus, my sleep, keeping hydrated, working out, and monitoring my food intake and ensuring I am eating good foods are all things that I have control over, and I like taking power of the things I can control right now. It makes me feel better, and reminds me that I have power over my emotions, the way I react to them, and how I conduct myself.
I want to be happy. Even though things are still rocky here and there, I think I make that choice daily. I choose to smile, laugh and be happy.
When things are rough, I look at pictures of Jess and the kids, and my heart lightens. I get texts of love, encouragement and support every single day from Stormy, my sister's fast approaching wedding date keeps making my eyes grow light with happy anticipation, and I have so may wonderful outlets. I am blown away by all the wonderful people in my life currently-- my co-workers, Skye, the kids (I miss them so much. Working as often as I've been working the last couple weeks has made it impossible to spend time with them. But I get them a few nights to myself in a week), my wonderful mom, Deana, my dad-- the list goes on and on.
Now, all I need to do is get through the next 14 days.
I can do this.
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