There have been several times in the last five years I have grieved heavily over not having a relationship with my momma. Our relationship was never healthy.
It has hurt, and at times been impossible. Today, has been an accumulated amount of shit that keeps crashing down. One thing after another; boom, boom, boom. And, had she not have passed away this April I would have caved and called today.
As my chest heaves trying to catch my breath I keep thinking about her smell, and how regardless of my age (and my size) she would hold me at times as she soothed me with her words.
My mom knew how to stop a panic attack in me.
My momma did a lot of things wrong in her mental illness, and not many people knew her like her children did-- and, still loved her anyways.
She once told me that when she couldn't coach herself through a panic attack that she was having while at Dr. Schaeffer's office (Rod), and as she couldn't catch her breath he told her; "think about the first time you held Sarah." She said it was like really breathing for the first time as the air finally reached her lungs.
Today, I've been reminded several times why Utah is rough as shit for me (air quality, bad drivers, etc), I have been reminded of my back to back pregnancy losses, which in turn reminded me of all of my pregnancy losses, I felt guilty all day thinking of the things I missed with the Littles in my absence, I have felt guiltier wishing I was present this last year for Jess, I screamed at a complete stranger after being told that I wouldn't get paid until Monday (which my store will fix tomorrow, bless them), I have a lapse in my SNAP benefits (which is detrimental at this time), I have 77 cents to my name, and have for the last two weeks (outside of spending $20 on the babies, we continue to play catch up as we dig ourselves out of this hole), my storage unit has a lock on it by now, I haven't paid our car insurance, and outside the money Jess and Ian have given us we've had no gas money, and I keep worrying about when I finally will run into Marc (fuck you, Small Lake City) and the poor reaction I'll have after some of the scary things he said to Jess last year...not to mention the deep guilt I feel for ever having him around the kids.
I know and feel the positive things in my life. I am grateful for that. That doesn't change any of my other feelings today, and it doesn't change that I just want my mommy. I miss and want my mom. I want someone who knows me; the person who not only grew my physical body inside of her, but my soul as well, to tell me everything will be alright.
My mom and Cash shouldn't have left me at 46 and 49. And, I'd call my Dad, but it doesn't feel the same right now, because I hate feeling like a failure when I reach out to him (plus, honestly, I don't know where he's working this week)...I just don't want to be his 31 year old cry-baby. I love my dad, but I just want my mommy.
No comments:
Post a Comment