Alright.
16 Days until Hoopcamp-- I can't put this off any longer. Here's my
Hoop Story:
The
thing I regret about my video entry is the quality of the video, and
my inability to write my story down with my entry.
I know the exact day I felt like I was a Hooper. It was May 1, 2010. However, prior to that date I was in search of something I could call my own...
A series of life pains, including being raped and sodomized in January 2006 by a boy I went to high school with, had left me with my self-esteem shot, and I found myself in a relationship with a man thirteen years my senior, with three children, a life time of hurt, and issues with alcohol abuse(February 2006).
I stayed in an unsavory situation for a while for love; I cared for my ex's two young sons, and was also in complete adoration of his daughter as well (who lived with her mother). During this time I had a series of alarming news about my health; I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and was told that I had fertility issues making it difficult for me to have children of my own, along side my Blood Pressure was an issue as well. The news over my health made me cling to the relationship with the boys more.
I stayed until May 2008, when his physical abuse towards me escalated and he punched me in the gut, sending me into the refrigerator in front of his two young boys.
On May 27, 2008 I moved to O'ahu, Hawai'i. I wanted to get myself healthy. I wanted to feel lovable again, I didn't want to have a story of tragedy looming over my head, I didn't want to go back, and, I didn't want to be a victim.
I stayed on the island until September 2, 2008 when I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah and into my best friend's home at The Compound with her husband and their children. From September 2008 to May 2009, there was a lot of crying, laughing, and surface hurt. I learned that healing is a painstakingly long process and the harder you fight it, or try to bury it down the more difficult it is going to be. And, healing is necessary.
I stayed until May 2008, when his physical abuse towards me escalated and he punched me in the gut, sending me into the refrigerator in front of his two young boys.
On May 27, 2008 I moved to O'ahu, Hawai'i. I wanted to get myself healthy. I wanted to feel lovable again, I didn't want to have a story of tragedy looming over my head, I didn't want to go back, and, I didn't want to be a victim.
I stayed on the island until September 2, 2008 when I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah and into my best friend's home at The Compound with her husband and their children. From September 2008 to May 2009, there was a lot of crying, laughing, and surface hurt. I learned that healing is a painstakingly long process and the harder you fight it, or try to bury it down the more difficult it is going to be. And, healing is necessary.
It
was during this time I really connected to Cash (my biological
father, and not the man who raised me)-- we had a lot of tough
conversations, tears, fights, arguments, letters, laughs, and I
learned to forgive him for abandoning my sister and I when we were
younger.
In
May 2009, I moved back home to Eugene, Oregon to go to school at Lane
Community College. I had spent a few weeks quite ill and in the
hospital in SLC and was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. Once home, and
amongst friends I found Hoop Dance.
My friend, Miranda Davidson, was working a little magic with a purple child's plastic hula hoop, and it was memorizing. Unfortunately, my larger frame couldn't get that hoop to travel around my body, or even stay up for a mere second. It was the most frustrating thing I had ever experienced in my life. I really started to get curious about hula hooping later that summer, and really, really tried, but I just never was a girl who could hoop.
My friend, Miranda Davidson, was working a little magic with a purple child's plastic hula hoop, and it was memorizing. Unfortunately, my larger frame couldn't get that hoop to travel around my body, or even stay up for a mere second. It was the most frustrating thing I had ever experienced in my life. I really started to get curious about hula hooping later that summer, and really, really tried, but I just never was a girl who could hoop.
We
lost Cash November 19, 2009. It ripped my world apart. It threw me
into an anger spiral, and deep depression that I was lost in for a
long time.
On
December 24, 2009 I was gifted Hulie, my very first hula hoop, and
the first real taste of success, and not a moment too soon. And, on
May 1, 2010, I knew I was a Hooper.
It
was in that I started to really work some things out. It was on that
day I realized what a powerful, beautiful gift and tool Hulie was for
me. Hulie breathed life back into me.
I
was the 25/26 year old on the Lane Community College campus toting
around a hula hoop, and I didn't even care.
While
spinning in a circle in my hoop I really started to let a lot of hurt
go, and I was able to weed out the undesirable and the unnecessary
from my life. I learned to love myself again, especially after
struggling to keep a hula hoop up for so long (it took me about 9
months to keep it up), but once I learned how to, there was nothing
in the world that was cooler.
In
my hoop I feel Spirit. In my hoop I feel connected, and I know all
things are connected. In my hoop I feel the Earth moving under my
bare feet. And, while in my hoop I am home no matter where I am.
The
lessons I've learned since I've become a Hooper are the things I had
always told myself, but never truly believed until I learned what
powerful Being I am, and I learned that in my hoop. I learned to love
my body, and embrace flaws. I learned in my hoop to stop slut-shaming
myself for being raped. The only thing I was guilty that night was
trying to help Nick out. I learned in my hoop to recognize that the
hurt and ugliness that my ex, Josh, put there was not mine, but his
and I didn't need to carry it around anymore.I learned in my hoop
that when I miss those two little boys I can dance it out, and they
are with me so powerfully in those moments.
I
have lost a total of 115 lbs, since hula hooping has came into my
life. I went from a size 26 to my current size 10. Hoop dancing
has given me back a spiritual life. I now feel the joy of
truly living in my body. I have a tool near by to always help me get
the anger out.
The most amazing thing about hula hooping hasn't been the fact that it helps me tremendously with panic and anxiety. It isn't the 115lbs I've shed. It's not the ability to no longer blame myself for the rape in 2006, or the ability to let go of the hurt and ugliness put there by past toxic people. And, it's not just about the forgiveness I've been able to able to give to others, or the forgiveness I've given myself.
The most amazing thing about hula hooping, to me, is I had the power within myself to do all of those things on my own. It just so happens the tool I use to help me is a small piece of plastic, but it is also something I can use the rest of my life to continue healing myself.
I am so grateful and blessed to have hoop dance apart of my journey.
The most amazing thing about hula hooping hasn't been the fact that it helps me tremendously with panic and anxiety. It isn't the 115lbs I've shed. It's not the ability to no longer blame myself for the rape in 2006, or the ability to let go of the hurt and ugliness put there by past toxic people. And, it's not just about the forgiveness I've been able to able to give to others, or the forgiveness I've given myself.
The most amazing thing about hula hooping, to me, is I had the power within myself to do all of those things on my own. It just so happens the tool I use to help me is a small piece of plastic, but it is also something I can use the rest of my life to continue healing myself.
I am so grateful and blessed to have hoop dance apart of my journey.
Hula Hooping has changed my life.
