Four days on, two days off schedule rotation has me renaming the days of the week to better suit me. That is one example of how my life has changed the last 28 days. Funny enough, the last 28 day Jumpstart began on my first day of work at my new job as a caregiver.
And, things have changed, drastically, and I find myself reeling from all of it sometimes. The biggest change can not be seen-- my faith has been awaken after eleven years of sleep, and it feels surprising, new, insincere, and jarring.
I guess it's not overly surprising, seeing that I have a clearly agnostic view on life, and I have quite a few spiritual practices I do on my own-- mostly honoring tradition, and seasonal change. I guess the surprise is the feelings that I feel at work.
Owens Rose Garden
I see truly miraculous things every single day at my work.
I see truly ugly, and heartbreaking things every single day at my work.
It has been 28 days of personal growth, new adventures, discovery, new stories, unexpected change, and real, quiet reflection.
If I weren't shaken at times from the experiences I've undergone the last month then I would be heartless.
In the meantime, I've been really struggling with the fitgirl community. I honestly feel that the struggle must be stemming from jealous feelings; I want to commit and participate 100% in the group challenge, however with adjusting with my new schedule I fell behind on the photo challenges. Then I started feeling angry, because I see a lot of the same girls being featured on fitgirlsguide, and the more I viewed things as a weird popularity contest the more I felt put out by the idea of participation.
#fitgirlstylechallenge
What originally attracted me to the community was the go-at-your-own-pace, happy comradery. I don't feel that anymore. I feel like unless you are online constantly, non-stop then you are not part of the community-- which was fine when I was miserable in Utah, however being happy in Oregon, and with the new job now certain aspects of participation feels shallow. Which is funny, because for the most part, I LOVE my instagram feed during my breaks, because my feed is full of fitgirls and positivity, and is a million miles away from shallow.
So, here I sit, feeling grateful for meal prep days, grateful for being active, and grateful for the commitment I feel toward my health, but feeling like it's okay to need the space from Facebook and Instagram to focus on human connections versus the approval, likes, and validation of strangers. I love social media for making far away people feel close, but I hate how social media makes me feel, and overall fitgirlsguide is all about social media.
My time lately is precious, and I've been making it a point to keep some resemblance of a social life to help balance work. Normally when I work this much, I counteract that with sleep only. Lately, I've made it a point to work 40+ hours a week, have over a two hour commute a day, meal prep, yoga, hoop, and walk, along with trying to visit friends from time to time, and keep up on our home as we look for a new place closer to where I am working. And, soon, Bradford and I will be studying again together!
Partying down at Stephanie's house
We've both been so active (Bradford and I), and so excited about moving soon (fingers crossed, happy thoughts, prayers, and warm wishes welcome while we look). I've been trying to enjoy flowers more, hike as much as possible, participate with Jack Harvey as much as I can, appreciate every moment I am on the beach looking at the Pacific, take pictures when I can, and now that my phone is activated(yes, it was disconnected for a little while) I want to make it a point to send more texts to my family more often (pictures included), and I plan to start writing to Jessie, Ian and the kiddos again once we are in our new place, and I can have a writing area for myself.
I have officially been hired as a Personal Care Attendant at an assisted living residence, and as my sweet love snoozes silently to my right, I can't help feeling a giant weight lift from my shoulders-- along side Steve, my friend's dad, deciding to let us stay in his home while we get on our feet 100%, honestly, this is the best life has felt in a long while for me.
I have never been more elated, nervous, and enthralled by the idea of starting a new career venture. This job can potentially mean so much to us, and I am so excited by that. First, it is in Florence, Oregon-- the town that Bradford and I have decided to make our home we are hoping for five years to indefinitely. And, most importantly, I have high hopes of this work being very rewarding-- providing quality care, love and support to people at the end of life. I am working in the memory care wing, which means, heartache and joy.
So, this weekend we are getting ourselves ready to start this new chapter in our lives. We have plans to get many things done, and hopefully we actually do some of them!
First off, get paid! Thank god, for Theya today!
We meal planned for the first few days of work, and plan on grocery shopping today, and meal prepping tomorrow. We need to get me new work pants, and shoes. Bradford asked if we can budget some money to get him two, or three new tops to possible interview in-- and, if we have the money, I want to do that for him sooner than later. We need to get our cell phones fixed, and pay our car insurance.
We want to make a run to the Eugene Mission with some second hand, well loved goods to donate prior to the weather getting too terrible. We also want to get both of the spare rooms in the house picked up, find our coffee maker (we've been using the mocha pot), I have a hoop to finish for my friend, Kendra, and a hoop to make for an online acquaintance's 9-year-old daughter.
And, that brings us to this-- I have pushed Buckleberry Hoops to the back burner.
However, I have continued to make and wrap hoops for friends. It's not about the money, or making a name for myself. It has been about loving the hoop, and trying so hard to do what is best for both Bradford and I.
I really want to make Buckleberry Hoops a priority in the very near future-- I even told Bradford the other day that I really wanted to plan on selling hoops at the Rhododendron Festival in Florence, Oregon next Spring. But, for the time being I am really enjoying my time *inside* my hoop. I am enjoying helping friends, and doing a good job, taking my time, and doing things mostly at cost for people. I have learned more than I thought possible since putting the business side of hooping on the back burner, and I have loved hooping a lot more since I have put space between me and the hooping community.
It has been a beautiful, full summer. I am loving this time between Lammas and Mabon. I am loving the feeling I am carrying around inside of me as we enter into Mabon. It's gratefulness, and love. It's calm and peace. It's determination, and quiet fortitude. It is moving forward, setting goals, and working hard.
Things have been moving quickly the past two weeks and four days.
Since my last post, Bradford and I have made the decision to move to Florence, and since we made that decision things have been moving quickly, and smoothly. I have had a total of five interviews with prospective employees in Florence, some in person, some via phone, and one on Skype.
I am getting excited at the prospect of our move for so, so many reasons that it is hard to find words.
Stephanie at Heceta Beach
Taco and Bellamy
Also, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love and support we've gained from our people since making this decision. My parents, as usual, want for me whatever I want in this world as long as it makes me happy. My friend, Stephanie, drove me last week to make some face-to-face contacts and make appointments-- she braved a long car ride with two dogs, and a nervous me, and after we were done with responsibility we smoked a joint on the beach. It was love.
My friend, Skye, took me again to Florence on Wednesday for an interview that went really well.
Wednesday was my favorite, because I didn't have to miss "work," we packed Kyran, Kesey, and Juliet in the car and made an entire day of it. Skye got me to my interview on time, and then took the kids to the local Safeway by herself to gather the remaining things we needed for our picnic after I was done with my interview.
I was picked up probably four minutes after I was finished talking to the hiring manager about plans to potentially have me working as a Personal Care Attendant come the beginning of September. It was enough time to get my nerves in check prior to getting in the car with children and having a full, fun day, and it really was a fun, full day!
Juliet and I hiking the Hobbit Trail -- the pictures are a little over a year apart
I love these faces.
Ah, da zee.
On Tuesday night, I had baked some Peanut Butter Dark Chocolate Chip Cookies, fixed up some Chicken Salad (I used the Salade Nicoise Redux Recipe from the FitGirlsGuide 28 Day Jumpstart with Chicken instead of Tuna, and chopped up the red pepper instead of serving the salad in a red pepper) and with the Chicken Salad we made awesome 5 Second Wraps. Matched with Sliced oranges, celery sticks, hummus, salad, and cucumber from our garden-- we ended up having quite the feast on the hiking trail on our way to Hobbit Trails Beach.
And, Hobbit Trails Beach in Florence, Oregon is one of my favorite places that I have experienced in my life (and I love that living in Florence means I can keep going back, as often as I would like).
After having such a serious interview that made me feel like I had taken a hard look at the brevity of life, it was important, healing, and good that we had planned a full day on the beach. The half mile hike from the parking spot down to the ocean is easy, and fun for kids-- with lots of hiding spots and misleading side trails, the trail is aptly named.
Seeing the ocean, even from the trail made me feel instantly small, made me think about my mom, and brought about a lot of positive emotions for me. I felt elated and nervous at the same time over our current life plans, and I felt happily put back in place in this huge, wide, universe as I found myself quoting Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot as we made our way through the Siuslaw National Forest down to the Pacific Ocean.
The kids had a great day. Skye had a great day. And, my Wednesday, and work week felt enriched experiencing so many emotions while having such amazing tiny humans nearby.
And, while on the beach, in the midst of soul searching, and quiet meditation I spent my time looking for special beach treasurers to send to our sweet Violet, who turned seven on Wednesday, August 10th. Ever bewildering, our littlest beast is getting more mighty and I can't help, but feel sadness mixed in among my joy, because no matter how perfect and beautiful things are I can't help missing the Littles and Jess back in Utah.
When I called Violet on our way home after driving Kyran, and Kesey home (we had to get some BJ's Ice Cream on our way home, otherwise what's the point of the trip?!), my sadness didn't last long on the phone with her. She was so happy to be talking to me (I could hear it in her warrior voice), and as I told her about finding special things to send her from Oregon and her telling me she would really like it if I got her a Fennekin (fox Pokemon), I told her my plans to move to the ocean, and she was so joyous for me.
It made my heart want to burst with the love-- and maybe also kidnap Jess and Ian's children, but that's for another blog post... <3
Things have been going quite well. My reasoning why I haven't posted a lot of these random pieces I've written, or started is simple; I am busy loving life. I work from home, caring for Kyran and Kesey-- my friends', Tony (and Sandy) and Theya (and Steve's) 8 and 11 year old children, and I also have Juliet quite often, my friends' 3 year old daughter. It has been a wonderful summer learning so much about these three neat little people, and amongst the learning there is a lot of playing, planning, giggling, yelling, heads knocking about, and all other matters of random summer time kid fun. We rent a small home from my friend's dad-- he is the kids I watch grandfather, cheaply, and that, by far, has been the biggest blessing. We don't have family nearby, however having my close friend live next door, having her father's help, having children around-- are all things that have helped steady us as we've started back out here in Oregon. We couldn't be happier being back in our home state. However, now that it is the end of July, and the kids will be starting school in a little over a month, it is time to start planning our next move. And, honestly, we are thinking of moving to Florence, Oregon-- a small coastal town, about 47 miles West from my hometown, surrounded by water, fog, rain, deep greens, and grays that stick to your bones. We like the idea of a small town. We like the idea of still being close to our friends. We aren't positive when Bradford will start school, and there is seemingly cheaper housing. I was offered a position at a residential living for the elderly and if the position will be available once I am finished with my summer position I will take the opportunity. We do have a few immediate concerns-- we are both looking for future employment, we are currently living pay check to pay check (hey, that's sometimes life), we need to fix the brakes on our car, I need to renew my license, and our rental agreement is up come mid-September. So, things are by no means perfect, but we are happy, healthy, I am hooping, and we love it here ten folds more than Utah, and bask in it's pure superiority daily. And, though life carries on; pregnancy, cancer, births, deaths, weddings, fair-time (lol), kiddos, little stressers, blah, blah, blah-- we can't help feeling so, so grateful. Our home is Oregon, and now we just need to find me, Bradford, Schrodinger, and Gabriel a place to set roots, and it is so, so comforting to have a plan.
Also, I recently have started taping again, I have stepped up my practice, and I am slowly but surely trying to start teaching (again). It feels amazing, but I also have a lot of anxiety surrounding my hoop aspirations. I am kinda hoping to be that quirky, coastal lady-- with a cute little garden, with a rickety little fence surrounding it, two cats, wind chimes, and selling and dancing with hula hoops at the little Farmer's Market in Old Town. I have always wanted to have a little Restaurant on the coast. I am not saying that's in the offing tomorrow, but I do see myself finding joy, adventure, and a life in Florence. I see myself hooping, cooking, reading and writing-- finding my creativity in storms, working hard, and maybe even finding some solace and time to recuperate, heal, and dance. <3
"They say to dance like nobody is watching. I think that implies that we are afraid or ashamed to dance in front of the people. I say dance like everybody is watching. Dance like your children are watching, your ancestors, your family. Dance for those who are hurting, those who can't dance, those who lost loved ones and those who suffer injustices throughout the world. Let every step be a prayer for humanity! Most of all dance for the Creator, who breathed into your soul so you may celebrate this gift of life!" -- Supaman
In twenty days I will be getting on a big iron bird and flying back to Oregon. By the time I leave it'll have been 208 days I spent here. By the time Bradford leaves 251 days for him.
When we were coming here Kieran had wrote me an email saying that I shouldn't think about leaving Oregon, and only think about coming home to him and the rest of my family. And, I did.
From October to the end of January not only did I have Jess and the Littles nearby, but I also had Old Navy. However, since the beginning of 2016 I have gotten a total of only 61 hours at Old Navy.
Moreover, my last working shift I was harassed consistently and nonstop.
On Thursday, March 24th I had been assigned to open the Boys department. I was set out to do this before 7:30, and at 6:50/7AM I was asked by one of my managers how many boxes I had left. I had six left, and knew I would be done on time, and instead of running the boys products I was asked to jump into women's to help open the women's products.
Between 7 and 7:30 I had an additional five FULL boxes set into my department. I felt really proud that I had everything open, including the five extra boxes by 7:45-- only fifteen minutes off from my projected time.
However, by the time I was done with the boys department, I was feeling extremely irritated-- the last twenty minutes of my opening I had six different interruptions-- managers sending over my coworker to ask me if I was done, and to hop into women's as soon as boy's is open. That is an interruption every three and a half minutes.
Every three and a half minutes.
3 and 1/2 minutes.
At the end of that shift I knew it was time to start saying my mental goodbyes to my time working for GAP Inc.
The following week while I was working my second, consistent job I got a call from my Old Navy, I was unable to answer the call, because I was working. Over the weekend I checked my messages and discovered that it was the manager that had sent me home, because of the heated argument that happened on the 24th-- she had pulled me into a storage room, spoke to me in a condescending tone, and then sent me home when I needed space from her because I told her all I wanted was to work, and she wouldn't allow me to.
I was unable to call back, because I had an extremely busy weekend.
The next week I got a call from the same manager. I had already written my two weeks notice, and sent it in while I was on my fifteen at work, and on the same break I noticed I had a call from Old Navy. I noted the call and saw that I had a voicemail, but I completely forgot about it until, again the weekend (it's like I am busy until I have free time, or something).
This time when I checked my messages it was the same manager saying that if I didn't call her back that she was going to let me go. I do not respond to threats well, and since then I have been walking around angry.
I am angry because I moved states for the promise of a job with hours. I am angry, because not a single thing planned at Old Navy fell through. I have always worked with amazing managers with this company, however from January to April I have experienced extreme apathy from management and my respect for these women has dwindled.
From October until April my primary need and want has been to work, work hard, go home, and eventually make my way back to the Pacific Northwest (bye-bye Southwest). However, it is hard to do a job, and do a job well when you are lacking certain key elements at work. For example:
My managers had a strict rule about name tags, but did I ever get a name tag after the holiday even after asking eight times? No.
My last week at the store did I find food someone had placed in my locker that had expired ten days before? Yes.
Did managers care when I mentioned it? No.
My last week were my personal belongings gone from my locker with absolutely no explanation, or concern from management? Yes.
Did I ever receive my employee discount card? Nope.
Was I repeatedly treated disrespectfully and when I spoke to management about my concerns was anything ever done? I did not feel respected, and I have no clue if any of my concerns fell upon deaf ears.
So, next week, the week that marks one years since my mother's passing, I will also be saying my final goodbyes to Old Navy, and my time at GAP, Inc (RIP 2011-2016). I am mostly sad at this point. I feel thoroughly picked on by the manager that has left harassing and threatening messages, and honestly, will be glad when I no longer have to interact with her at all. I loved my overall time with the company, and refuse to let the last four months, or my time at the Eugene, Oregon location, dictate my overall positive experience.
Hooping Lead Photo
Sometimes, it is okay to let go of something once it no longer serves you.
Anyways, I am sad to be leaving for a few reasons, all of which revolve around missing people that have loved, supported and been family for me throughout my twenties. People who were, again there for me, and Bradford, when we literally had nothing we could do to help get us on our feet. These are the same people that made Salt Lake a place for me.
But, I've said it so many times on my blog, it is literally ridiculous; SL, UT (Salt Lake, Utah) is only good when I am living at The Compound. So, the natural conclusion I have reached is always going to be the entire Walters clan needs to move with me, and since that won't happen we'll do the next best thing: visits.
Bradford and I, both want to move back to our valley of milk and honey. We want to raise our cats and our hypothetical someday only child in a place where the air is breathable, and the water tasty and healthy straight from the tap. We are both exploring our options for school-- considering what we both may want for long-term while attempting to reach short term goals (jobs, roof over head, Oregon).
There are a lot of unknowns, and variables. I am scared about leaving the security we've built up here, but I am praying that, if anything, our time in Utah has taught us we can do anything. I am mostly nervous leaving our security, and not having my partner around for a good month/month and a half nearby to rely on one another.
I am not worried about our relationship, per say. I think my worry mostly stems from knowing I'll miss Bradford terribly.
I love being near him.
There are times where we are snuggled close together, and he'll whisper or sing song lyrics softly to me, and it's comforting, loving, warm, and so, so Bradford. Last night as I drifted off to sleep I heard quietly:
"There's an energy
When you hold me
When you touch me
It's so powerful
I can feel it
When you hold me
When you touch me
It's so powerful"
Because, you know, Major Lazer is romance.
I guess after I leave in twenty days my happy thought will be our reunion-- and, while I wait for Bradford I will work toward goals and having a pleasant late spring/early summer.
Speaking of Goals, tis the day I will be crafting mine, so even though I haven't written in a long while, and I could probably go on for forever, I will end this entry.
However, I am struggling with the three C's today; choices, chances, changes. Every day I get more and more homesick for a place that feels like rejects me every time I try and bury myself into it's ground to take root.
I made the choice to come back here, it was a chance I took to try and bring ourselves back from extreme poverty, and we have had nothing but constant change basically since Bradford and I first started dating. And, I am ready for things to settle, but I really, really don't want things to settle here.
I miss the deepening shades of gray this time of year, back home, in Oregon. I miss the spongy ground; wet from the rain, making everything greener than it is anywhere else. I miss the clean air, the people, and the drivers. I miss evergreen trees, and the smell of the air-- not to mention the pitter-patter sound of rain that is so comforting while I sleep.
I love the Oregon coast-- the compact sand, tide-pools, and the ocean tides.
This morning I keep thinking about Bradford and I's trip for an over-nighter at the coast back when we first heard that my mother was put in Hospice. We went to get away from the constant gnawing one feels at the back of their subconscious when a loved one is about to pass.
I made chocolate dipped strawberries, Alton Brown's Caramelized Onion Dip, and a dip I made up on the fly (that was freakin' amazing) that consisted of cream cheese, blue cheese, bacon and craisins, paired with Triscuits and Ritz crackers, and we brought with us a bottle of wine my friend Tara had bought me for my thirtieth birthday.
It was before Bradford had lost his job. It was before I lost my mother.
And, it was perfect.
And, that's what I miss most. I miss copious amount of trips to the coast, something no matter how broke we are we were able to continue to enjoy. It is hard to explain to people that I grew up in a rain forest, and it's forever apart of who I am, and it physically makes me ache not being there.
Today, is a day that hurts, because it hurts being away from my first true love...my home, my Oregon.
Today, I left work angry and upset. Which is particularly disheartening on a day where I came in feeling powerful, positive, excited for work, and proud of my sunshine attitude. Unfortunately, I left feeling picked on, negative, and downtrodden-- in addition to feeling anxious over the idea of the extra shift I picked up for tomorrow.
Moreover, I come home to see so many of my hooper friends talking about #OldNavy, and how #ON has lost business from them due to a toddler's T-shirt (you can read about that here).
In the face of so much negativity, I want to take the time to go over the positive I have experienced working there the last several years. Since my original hire date, in November 2011, I have had my up and down days, like with any job, but overall I have had so much overwhelming gratitude for my job at Old Navy.
I have been supported as a #hulahooper, and aspiring artist. I have been coached, trained, and strengthen to be an above average valued asset. I've worked and continue to work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met.
I feel poorly that so many of my #flowartist #friends have decided to discontinue shopping there. I understand, however, I also feel compelled to mention I have seen several different retail shops make poor decisions when it comes to their designs on T-shirts and/or overall marketing. I've never worked at some of those places I have in mind (Target, WalMart, Children's Place, Claire's, etc), I do currently work for #GAP, Inc and more specifically Old Navy, and I love it.
I live in a place where the current #minimumwage is $7.25 an hour. I am paid above that, even though I am technically only an associate. It is my #experience that Old Navy takes care of their employees-- especially the #employees planning on making ON a #career. The #Utah Market in particular are #wonderful at being #supportive of their workers' outside endeavors. I've worked Active Sales Events #HoopDancing. I've maintained a #consistent, yet #flexible schedule allowing me to attend paying gigs, go to #hoop #classes, and attend #HoopCamp
A video I made over the course of 30 days, including scenes of me hooping at ON
Not only has Old Navy been ideal for me as a hula hooper-- valuing my off time, and being alright with me hooping on my breaks at #work, but it has been a #tremendous source of in my pursuits of #healthy #choices.
It's in that #spirit I've been inspired to try and write out #goals, #affirmations, #inspiring #quotes, and I even put up 2016's Friends Calendar, because I do have the current ideal work situation, and I feel genuiely #blessed to be able to work for a company for so long that continues to show me support as I pursue all my goals; in the hoop, in my career, in my personal life, health-wise and as an artist.
I've been reading these daily.
These are my resolutions, of sorts. I also want to learn to do a headstand. Like every year.
This year's Friends calendar. I love it!
This month's personal goals. I need to go over to Jess' and pick out a book to read.
Some oldies, but some #goodies
I guess, the point of this entry is to say, as I go into this New Year, I am so grateful for a job I love. It provides me #independence, #autonomy, #worth, #support, and a #bombdotcom discount.
Anywhoo, outside of work, and gearing up for a new #January, I am #celebrating the fact that the days are getting longer. We are still loving being in the new apartment. Whoot for day 8. And, slowly but surely, I have #faith that 2016 will be a great #NewYear.
Before leaving Oregon in mid-October we had got our names on the low-income housing lists in Eugene and Corvallis. When we arrived in Salt Lake City we did the same. We were told there was a 14-month waiting list for Eugene, a two-year waiting list in Corvallis, and Salt Lake told us 8 months.
So, great, fantastic, joyful news!
It looks like we found ourselves a new home (apartment) in Bountiful. It is an income restricted location, that is pet-friendly, clean, the same distance to my Old Navy from our current distance, a five-minute drive from Jess' house (a 2.1 mile walk is what google tells me), and a few minutes away from Mum-mum too.
I've spent the last two weeks up to my eyeballs doing paperwork, feeling grumpy and resentful at work, feeling overly tired while at Noni's, and the only time I've felt normal has been while at The Compound partaking in normal family routine. But, yesterday, I got a call confirming a time to pickup my keys to a recently available place, and setting up a time for me to come in to finishing signing my short-term lease.
I am giving myself permission to be happy and excited.
I am so excited for a million reasons. I think above all, because it'll be a better, healthier fit for Bradford, the cats, and I. I keep thinking about the last time I had a year as rough as 2015 has been, and how the proximity to The Compound really helped play a role in dynamic, healthy changes-- at the very least adding a different level of family support to our lives won't hurt in the least.
Since finding out the good news, things have moved pretty quickly-- Jess and Ian are gifting us some well-loved furniture, and I already have grandiose plans of staining/painting everything given to me. Our friend, Jamie, gifted us a glider and matching gliding ottoman, along with a blow-up mattress, some towels, and a padded ottoman that lids lift up (giving us a proper shoe area). I love the idea of getting old closet doors at the Habitat For Humanity Repurpose Store to turn into room dividers with some chalk-board paint. And, Ian and I both have Wednesday the 23rd off, the day I also get my apartment keys!
It's a small one-bedroom, however it is my hopes that we are able to create a safe, good space for us to better understand and get a grasp on our future plans. I want to continue on with Old Navy, hula hoop, and live my life as we decide what our next steps will be. I want to start walking/jogging again. I want to have a closer relationship with the Littles, and my best friend. I want to know that no matter what our future plan are we are spending out time here to the best of our ability.
I am sick of hating everything constantly, and ready to refocus on the good in my life, by being closer to the good in my life.
In the meantime, Bradford and I have been studying German in our spare time, and we have plans to do a self-lead math course together once we are in our new place. We've both been working, opposite schedules, but still manage to spend time together during the days' lulls. I've been reading on budgeting, accepting help when offered (for example, our friend, Geneva, gifted us an amazing food basket that we couldn't be more grateful for), and really enjoying studying with Bradford, and really look forward to creating a work space for us to continue learning together in our spare time.
Jess has been a phenomenal source of support, and help. I honestly feel so grateful for the reprieve her household gives me, and feel like I wish I was there more often, and I am excited that soon in my apartment that will be possible! She's also helped us get the basic things we'll need to survive in an apartment sans our things still in storage in Oregon.
I am so grateful things aren't feeling stagnant anymore, and that happier things are on the horizon. Though, I am still looking forward to the day I get to go home to Oregon.
By the way, here is a list of things that may help us out (people have asked). House Stuff We Need That Would Help Us Out Like Whoa: A borrowed working vacuum (a $40 expense we can't do at the moment) Paper Towels
Kettle Conditioner Love Happy Thoughts Food basics upon move-in
Also, these pictures have been sitting in my drafts for months. And, I want to share them. They're, if anything else, great summer memories.
There have been several times in the last five years I have grieved heavily over not having a relationship with my momma. Our relationship was never healthy.
It has hurt, and at times been impossible. Today, has been an accumulated amount of shit that keeps crashing down. One thing after another; boom, boom, boom. And, had she not have passed away this April I would have caved and called today.
As my chest heaves trying to catch my breath I keep thinking about her smell, and how regardless of my age (and my size) she would hold me at times as she soothed me with her words.
My mom knew how to stop a panic attack in me.
My momma did a lot of things wrong in her mental illness, and not many people knew her like her children did-- and, still loved her anyways.
She once told me that when she couldn't coach herself through a panic attack that she was having while at Dr. Schaeffer's office (Rod), and as she couldn't catch her breath he told her; "think about the first time you held Sarah." She said it was like really breathing for the first time as the air finally reached her lungs.
Today, I've been reminded several times why Utah is rough as shit for me (air quality, bad drivers, etc), I have been reminded of my back to back pregnancy losses, which in turn reminded me of all of my pregnancy losses, I felt guilty all day thinking of the things I missed with the Littles in my absence, I have felt guiltier wishing I was present this last year for Jess, I screamed at a complete stranger after being told that I wouldn't get paid until Monday (which my store will fix tomorrow, bless them), I have a lapse in my SNAP benefits (which is detrimental at this time), I have 77 cents to my name, and have for the last two weeks (outside of spending $20 on the babies, we continue to play catch up as we dig ourselves out of this hole), my storage unit has a lock on it by now, I haven't paid our car insurance, and outside the money Jess and Ian have given us we've had no gas money, and I keep worrying about when I finally will run into Marc (fuck you, Small Lake City) and the poor reaction I'll have after some of the scary things he said to Jess last year...not to mention the deep guilt I feel for ever having him around the kids.
I know and feel the positive things in my life. I am grateful for that. That doesn't change any of my other feelings today, and it doesn't change that I just want my mommy. I miss and want my mom. I want someone who knows me; the person who not only grew my physical body inside of her, but my soul as well, to tell me everything will be alright.
My mom and Cash shouldn't have left me at 46 and 49. And, I'd call my Dad, but it doesn't feel the same right now, because I hate feeling like a failure when I reach out to him (plus, honestly, I don't know where he's working this week)...I just don't want to be his 31 year old cry-baby. I love my dad, but I just want my mommy.
This is my first post since the beginning of August. It's like every time I went to update we spiraled more, and there just never was a good time. Things are still rough, and up in the air, but that strengthens my love for being back at Old Navy Sugarhouse.
It is really hard being back in Utah, and if it's at all possible, Bradford hates it more than I do. However, I love my job, we have our cats, and we have a roof over our head. Things are hard, but we'll survive-- like we have been since April.
I wish I could say something more inspirational, or positive, but honestly the reality of the situation is exactly what I have already stated.
Anyways, I have other things I can update about: my sister, Amanda, is awful to me, I visited my parents at the end of August/the beginning of September (I did not care for my experience of South Carolina in the least), we did not have a Thanksgiving, we will not be celebrating Christmas this year, and my Facebook is deactivated until I can get my head on straight-- as it's that time of year that people become too much, and I can no longer handle social media.
Honestly, the only thing positive in my life, outside of Bradford, Schrodinger, and Gabriel, are seeing Jess regularly and being back with the Littles.
I feel like I should apologize for not having more to offer this blog entry, other than a slice of truth.
We aren't Mountain people, or big city folk.
We are Pacific Ocean and deep green Rain-forests. We are Bi Mart folk, and rain worshipers. We are quiet people that like to stay home, learn on our own, and cook good foods. And, we are without all those things. We are without a home (though we have a place to stay). We cannot afford good foods. I miss the ocean everyday, and Bradford misses the Oregon quiet.
And, that's what hurts the most for me-- Bradford. Bradford is working at Old Navy too. We are trying to keep afloat, but where I have the kids, Jess, and Ian-- he literally has nothing outside of me and the cats. He tries to hard to keep me happy, doing the laundry, the housework, and being a pillar of support as we guide ourselves through the madness that is extreme poverty, but at times we see no end, and that can be tough.
It can be suffocating. We feel like we are suffocating.
