Keeping Up With Sari: A Very Merry Green Jello With Carrots Visit

As of yesterday, I am officially done with my Salt Lake trip, and today (and yesterday) is a perfectly overcast and slightly damp Oregon day. And, for that, I am grateful.

As far as my trip; it was easier than I anticipated in some ways, and way harder than I imagined in others (goodbyes, man).

All-in-all, I liked being there, just like I've always liked being there. I enjoyed our family time, couldn't get enough of Jess, liked hanging out with Ian the little bits we could, and loved cooking a couple of nights for all of us for supper.

While just focusing on the good in front of me things were incredibly manageable-- it's like, I finally got the goodbye I deserved back in May, which I felt was robbed from me, because of the circumstances I was dealing with. Coming back to Utah, back to my loving family was healing.

When I was preparing for my move back in May 2014, I had conviction in my decision to move. I felt in my heart, and knew in my mind that the decision was right-- I didn't feel like I was escaping a dire situation, like I had felt when I made the rash decision to move to Hawaii when leaving Josh, his drinking and his abuse back in 2008.

When Marc and I broke up I had choices, and decisions to make. I was in a good place in my head with the therapy, and getting healthy prior to all of last year's crap, really made me feel the best I have ever felt in my entire life-- despite my deep depression last March. As I've mentioned in previous posts I felt alone, felt suicidal, and then I was dumped. That ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me, because it pulled out of the depression, and taught me that some people aren't a loss in your life despite prior significant meaning.

It was after my move to Eugene when I started to rebuild that I started focusing on the things I needed to heal from, forgive myself of, forgive others for. From May to July I embraced being home, and let waves of euphoria engulf every emotion as I enjoyed the summer's heat and being on my bike. Then from August on, I've been inside myself; fixing some deep cuts, feeling the things I need to feel, and expressing them, mostly in healthy was.

Going back to Salt Lake City for the first time since leaving made me feel the best I've felt in a lot of ways. I felt like I had control of my feelings; proving despite any anxiety I may had been having prior to leaving that I could conquer fears.

And, I had a lot of fears.

I had fears about running into Marc, fears of dealing with the emotions even thinking of Darcy invokes, I had fears over my curiosity about my house-- fears of my own anger taking control of me.

Here's the thing, going back to SLC reminded me that if love conquers all then surely, if I love myself then I should give myself the power to remember that I can conquer anything I want. Even my own scary anger.

I don't feel angry now that I've had the goodbye I deserve. And, there was no anger in me as I got to enjoy my family with absolutely no outside drama. I feel the best I've felt in a long time, because I allowed myself to fully enjoy the kids, and made it a priority to spend as much time with Jess as I could, something I really regretted when leaving in May.

And, coming home was a greater gift, because despite being sad I had to leave my Utah family, I came home to the things I've been working so hard towards since I left them, and I really feel as if they would be proud.

Plus, I came to Eugene and found love, friends, home, and family.

Anyways, I wanted to make it appoint to take some pictures with an actual camera while visiting-- I didn't bring my (older) dslr, but I did take my little point-n-shoot, along side my phone, and tablet and here are some pictures from the trip: