I survived my first bout of food poisoning with my boyfriend.
Apparently, Taco Bell doesn't sit well on a thirty year old stomach, but thankfully I had only a few bites, and did not get nearly as sick as Brad (poor guy). We woke up at the same time, were sick for three hours, and then I fell asleep with Bradford holding me-- I slept until 11, Brad until 1, he continued feeling off the rest of the day, while I was able to get to a place where I was able to go to work.
We are both feeling tons better, and I am so grateful for that, because as of today I am officially on vacation. I have big plans for the day; Check-in confirmation, printed my boarding pass, and I plan on getting my laundry in order, finish packing, do some light picking up around the apartment, and maybe treat myself to some home spa treatments.
I've been really lucky lately-- I've done a great job recognizing when I need extra care. I've been good at getting a handle on big, negative emotions before they become an issue, I can confide in my wonderful partner-- who's Vulcan ways soothe my savage soul.
It's so weird how things sometimes trigger me though.
Social media, as always, is the worst trigger, but also sometimes, a very important tool. I would get rid of Facebook all together if it weren't for the fact that I do enjoy looking at everyone's pictures-- I love seeing happy faces, children growing, nummy food, and all the positive things (most) people have the tendency to share.
However, there are certain things I have the hardest time stomaching; family members contacting me under the rouse of "caring," I had a friend write me with some pretty hard news and said news just makes my heartache, because even though I am absolutely in love with the hoop I am not at all active in the hooping community, and that's hard, because I can't really see myself rejoining the online hooping community anytime soon. Then there is a plethora of random things that feel like an attack, not on me, but are none the less offensive, or somehow hurtful.
I just get ridiculously sensitive, and things that normally wouldn't even bother me, just get to me. It doesn't matter mood cycle, and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason: Today, I couldn't keep myself reacting to a post on Facebook that bothered me.
I don't know why it bothered me-- a woman I went to school with had posted a meme to her Facebook stating that there is more tar in marijuana than cigarettes, and then posted some meme about being safe and drinking with a nurse around...and, something snapped, and I said something about never experiencing abuse from a stoner, but experiencing different with a drunk.
I know this woman doesn't know me from Adam, doesn't know my story, and has no idea the connection in my head-- all she sees is an insane me, being a bitch.
She doesn't see an emotional me feeling sad about my friend's message, she doesn't see me concerned seeing someone I love make post after post about her first broken heart, no one can see the disconnect I feel in the hooping community, because the hooping community exists online, and this girl doesn't know that just a few days prior my brother hurt me by essentially calling me lazy via a social meme.
In short, there are times, I do not have the skin to deal with people. All I can do is look at MyFitnessPal, read blogs, catch up on YouTube hooping videos...honestly, there are times that the internet is just not good for my mental health, because even though I am a fabulous, brash, loud, and a wonderful woman, I am also sensitive, cry easily, and take things too personally.
It is in these times I find it particularly gratifying that I've been practicing thankfulness for so long-- most of the time, more often than not, I am told that people really love how positive I am, and that's because I know how to look at my life, and see it for what it really is; wonderful.
I have hooping, writing, cooking, and constant daily love. I have two friends that live close by, and a special little I get to watch on occasion. I have a job I absolutely love with kind and wonderful coworkers, I am not always the best at keeping in contact with my mom, dad, and siblings, but I can honestly say, that I know love from them, as they do from me-- and we're lucky in that. I have Oregon, and a full heart, good food, an apartment, and cats.
And, I have this amazing man in my life. I have a partner...I have a best friend, with me, and it warms my heart just knowing that we feel so much for each other, and that we'll do anything to care for one another. That he knows me well enough to know how much I need this coming weekend.
And, I do need this weekend.
When things have been too scary about going back I imagine a few things and it helps calm the anxiety, and helps put a smile back on my face:
1) I think about how its going to feel seeing my wife again. I think about her hugs, and the way it feels to have her arms around me, and how much I miss her in my day to day. I think about how she might smell after having her and Ian living in my room sans me. I think the way she laughs, and how beautiful she's always looked holding the littles in her arms. I think about Chili Verde, and Thai food, and our ever important lady dates, which generally turn out to be us hanging out at The Compound.
2) I think about my old running/walking routes around The Compound, when I first started really making head way with my health I was living in The Compound, and me taking the time to get out and be active was a supported thing-- I learned to control anger on my walks, I would hoop on my walks, I would let all sort of hurts go while I left it on the pavement, and I can honestly say that my areas around Jess' house are still the most comforting to me. The Compound is still my home.
3) I think about the babies. I think about what it will be like to see them, and feel them, hug them, and kiss them. Tell them how much I love them, and that if anything could ever make me stay in Utah it is them. I think of Kieran, Liam, and Violet, and I feel proud of this last year, because they've helped me get here too. I want tell them that I didn't give them life, but life has been so kind to me that it gave me all three of them.
Anyways, I hope to have some good pictures and memories to share after this weekend. Wish me luck!
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