all the flowers that u planted, mama, in the back yard all died when u went away I know that living with u baby was sometimes hard but I'm willing to give it another try

My biological mother, my first friend, and the biggest influence on my life passed away Wednesday, April 22, 2015 at 7:15 in the evening. She was home with her husband, my step-dad, Matt, and my younger brother-- and, I am sure there were other people with her as well.

My brother, Andrew, called me shortly after she took her last breath. It was hard news, but not unexpected. 

It's weird how that evening played out-- I had spent my morning having a lot of strong, overwhelming feelings about my mom, and all day long I started thinking about what I first thought when my brother, Trevor, had originally called me with the news of my mother's failing health. 

I started thinking about how my mom wasn't going to make it to April 24th. Later in the evening, Bradford and I were sitting on the couch, playing video games, horsing around and I started singing George Michael's Faith, out of nowhere, from beginning to end. It was an anthem from my childhood, as my mom really loved George Michael, her favorite album when I was small was Faith, and I remember singing that song a lot with her when I was very little.

Five minutes after I was finished singing I got the call, and since then I have been feeling the emotions as my days have started to stretch on for eternity, and even though we had an absent relationship the last few years of my mom's life, I still, even now cannot imagine the world moving on without her color.

Since then I continue to struggle to wrap my mind around this loss. It's there. It's reality. It's fact. It won't change. My mama doesn't exist anymore. She only lives on in our memories, thoughts, and feelings now.

Our first meeting: May 29, 1984 in Eugene, Oregon

Our last picture (I think) taken together: April 21, 2010

And, so far my feelings keep telling me to play Sinead O'Connor singing Prince. When Sinead covered Nothing Compares 2 U she has been quoted saying she was reliving the hurt she felt from her mother's passing, and the agony of their tumultuous relationship.

I can relate to that. 

Today is harder than yesterday. I miss her, and have missed her, but I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad, or guilty about her. I loved my mama more than anything, and anyone in my life knows what a profound influence she had on my life.

And, as I struggle with coping with this loss I am going to be grateful. I am grateful that my mom will no longer struggle with her many ailments. I am grateful for siblings a phone call away. I am grateful for my dad, and his kind, thoughtful words of love and support-- I don't think I could adult right now if it weren't for knowing that he's a phone call away, and I get to visit my dad and mom in South Carolina so, so soon.

I am grateful that I have Keith Green songs to sing methodically in head to bring calm and peace-- even in not being Christian it reminds me of her being calm. I have good memories of my mom, and the knowledge that she loved me completely, always had grandiose ideas and hopes of me, she encouraged and fostered in me great empathy and taught me to love and care to a fault. I am grateful that I have an eclectic style and my taste in things from my music to my daily mannerisms are all her.

"Life's not a song.
Life isn't bliss, life is just this, it's living.
You'll get along.

The pain that you feel, you only can heal by living.
You have to go on living.
So one of us is living.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."