Booty Swing

Today is better than yesterday, but that's not really saying much.

I am feeling as optimistic as I can, however I am having the type of anxiety where I am battling back panic attacks constantly. Work ended up being a great thing, because we were incredibly busy, and keeping busy kept me outta my head, and present, however this morning I woke up and I already felt close to tears, and the idea of leaving the house was daunting, and difficult.

I am grateful that Bradford has been around, especially the last two days-- his calming presence matched with being ready with open arms for hugs, and yesterday, when I had two bawling break-downs he was there to listen to me sob, and reassure me while I was momentarily broken.

Adding to my hysteria has been this added sadness of really missing my mom. My step-mom has been upset with me, so even though I am really excited for my upcoming trip to visit my parents I have felt awful distance. So, I feel lonely, sad, and I am missing my mom. 95 days since she passed away, and it's still a fresh wound.

Honestly we're both down-- he's doing better than me at the moment, but he too has been struggling for a while. I think currently he's Mr. No Personality due to him being on day two of being covered in hives (he's having a severe allergic reaction), other than that he's been my support; we volunteered this week at the Lane County Fair, we both donated plasma together, he's been transcribing documents online as a way to try and generate income, and we've been applying to jobs and aid like crazy.

Moreover, we've been lucky enough to do some trades with friends to keep ourselves a little a float, we sold a couple of Bradford's things (and now can make rent), we are donating plasma again in the morning (which should take care of our phones, and comcast), I get paid on the last day of the month, we both have SNAP benefits (finally), we chose to forgo assistance from FOOD for Lane County for July (we thought we were okay, and felt like we should receive a food box unless in need) but will be getting one for August, and our friends are able to give us $20 for babysitting the other day.

We are doing everything we can, but I am close to saying the hell with all of this, and asking Colbi and Brett if we can stay with them until we can afford to move again. It would be cramped, and full of animals, and we would need to put almost all of our things in storage, but then we might have a chance in the next few months to get ourselves situated.

I dunno.

I do know that I am lucky that yesterday when Skye and Keith were picking Juliet up after a day with her I was fortunate enough to spend some time talking to them-- it grounded me, and made me feel less like a complete failure of a human being. And, Stephanie also came by yesterday, and that helped too.

I guess the meaning behind this post is really nothing than a moment to say we are trying, and working, and hopefully soon things will get better, and until then if you see me and I seem drained, tired, stressed, sick-- it's because things are stormy, and I feel weathered.

Anyways, I am hoping to be posting something other then a pile of sadness. Maybe in the next week, or two I'll have some new recipes to share. And, pictures.

And, hopefully the next time I post I'll have the good news of Bradford and I both finding amazing employment, or something. Fingers crossed.