They Are Crazy.

Today I had a doctor's appointment with a practitioner that works in my new primary care provider's office. 

Today has been productive.

I walked away from the appointment feeling nervous, but more hopeful than I have felt in a long while, with new medication to try and better regulate my pain symptoms, and two referrals.

The first referral is to go see Dr. Austin, a reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialist. And, the name of the Women's Clinic for Laparosocpic Surgery for Endometriosis...though, there is no doubt in my mind that I have other issue(s) outside of PCos. I have suffered near debilitating pain constantly since my teen years, that has only gotten worse.

I went in, near tears the entire time. I told "them" that I have had 7 miscarriages; 3 confirmed, 4 positive home tests only to experience a loss prior to confirmation. I explained that my best friend, Jessica Stahle, is a midwife and that she has been apart of my support during all of this. I explained that my history of miscarriage started in 2006, and that a nurse practitioner with Planned Parenthood in 2007 diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, that I was diagnosed through a process of elimination of testing, and labs. I explained that with my loss in November 2013 I had weighed about 185, and yes, by the time I found out that my next pregnancy was ectopic I weighed 209, and today I weighed 236.

I did cry. I cried because I hurt a lot, constantly. That I have maybe five to seven days out of the month where I don't have pain, and that's it. I cried, because I am active, I am healthy, and I know I can be healthier, but I am doing everything in my financial power to eat good foods.

And, now I sob, because even though I love my body, and I know I am doing what I can to take care of it-- this is a good example of the difference in lifestyles I had in Utah, versus here in Oregon. Though, I feel my quality of life is exceptionally better here, there is no denying that I had a certain amount of financial freedom-- yes, I worked less, and made less money in Utah, I also lived with Jess and Ian most of that time, and they only ever asked me to pay them whatever I could afford to help out. Nothing more, nothing less. And, when I didn't live with Jess and Ian, I lived at Primrose Cottage-- Marc's parent's had the house in their name, and Marc paid them monthly.

I never had to worry about anything outside of paying my cell bill, working on paying on student loans, and paying off random stuff...everything else was taken care of because I either just handed money to Jess (whatever I felt I could part with), and the rest went towards self-care.

I took care of myself in Utah. And when I say I took care of myself I mean, I worked a job I loved. I spent the money to pamper myself on occasion (facials, or other random treats), and once a month I would get a massage. And, my food was organic (mostly), gluten free, and almost all my meals were not processed at all (my food didn't come to me in a box).

I simply can't afford to take care of myself. I cannot afford organic all the time. I can't afford gluten free foods, and I for sure have to eat processed things, because when you pickup food boxes you're just grateful to have food.

Anyways, back to the doctor's visit-- we talked about my facial hair growth, we talked about my dandruff and acne, we talked through my symptoms of depression, and anxiety, and, as always, the pill was pushed at some point.

Because when it comes to pelvic pain the cure-all is birth control.

Anyways, I feel excited, because I want medical assistance in trying to fix this situation. I want to have a child someday, for fuck's sake (not tomorrow, but before I am thirty-five), and I don't want to be in pain all the fucking time anymore. And, I don't want to be this major cunt to be around most of the time, because I am in fucking pain. And, I don't want to be over-weight my entire life.

I also would like the money to better take care of myself and Bradford.

So, today, feels like a win. I'll have some exploratory surgery, because I am so desperate to find out what's wrong, why not cut into my abdomen to try and see if endometrial cells are growing outside of the uterus. They probably are.

In the meantime, I have a couple of blogs in the draft box-- I am really behind on a few entries, and at this point they may be scrapped all together. I am waiting to hear back about the referrals (about five days), my next appointment with my doctor is the 12th of August. I already have my new medicine, and I really hope to see an improvement over time now that I have doctor's working for me. #ThanksObama

So, I am asking for extra well wishes at this time. I will let people know as I have things scheduled. The surgery won't be a big deal at all, however I am a wiener and I'll probably be nervous until it's over. I am also asking friends to send me job prospects for the Corvallis area, and places to live. Part of us trying to do better consists of one of us finishing school. And, I really want Corvallis to workout as a good spot for us for the next two years as I get a handle on my health.

#sendlove