Live for something lighter, bigger, and better than you.

"Live for something lighter, bigger, and better than you." --Yogi Teabag

Ever since I got Deana's text yesterday that read; "I think you've been through enough, and it's better to know for sure," all I can hear is her voice asking "Haven't we been through enough?"

As I sit here, writing this, with Marc sleeping soundly to my left I can't help but think that my greatest trauma is my greatest catalyst for change.

Someday, I will be a mother, and if it's not from this pregnancy it will hurt, but I can remember's Marc's promise that we'll be parents someday.

Yesterday, I spent a good three/four hours in the Emergency Room-- on Thursday morning, I had some weird spotting (very little, very light brown), and even though it tempered down I was still having some of the weird spotting when I woke up Friday morning. I don't want to be that woman that freaks out over everything, but at the same time, this isn't my first rodeo. I decided that I couldn't wait until Monday for my appointment with Dr. Nance, and that if I was suffering another loss I wanted to know, and if I wasn't I wanted to be reassured.

When I left, they couldn't tell me if my current pregnancy is viable. When I got home I was readying myself to EMAIL Dr. Nance to alert him of my ER visit, and let him know what labs/test we ran, etcetera, and he called me. I guess, Dr. Lee (the doctor I saw while in the ER), is a friend of his, and notified him that one of his patients was in the ER.

Since Dr. Lee didn't want to give me a transvaginal ultrasound (I wasn't bleeding at the time of my physical), our current plan of goes as follows; keep my Monday Baby Appointment as a follow up. I already had a blood draw for my hGC levels on Tuesday, and we did it again yesterday-- since it was only up 30% instead of 50%, it may be some cause for concern that I'm following in the steps of my previous miscarriages. So, early on Monday I'll be getting more labs done before I go into my appointment in the afternoon.

I did some reading on hCG, and Dr. Nance also explained to me, that we may be fine, but I'm a realist, and I don't know what's worse-- getting my hopes up, or having no hope at all.

"A low hCG level can mean any number of things and should be rechecked within 48-72 hours to see how the level is changing. A low hCG level could indicate:

• Miscalculation of pregnancy dating
• Possible miscarriage or blighted ovum
• Ectopic pregnancy "

Like I mentioned in my previous blog-- we are ready for a miracle.

But, I'm prepared for our only miracle to be a Spring Oregon trip, and our elopement.

Oregon

So, I'm trying desperately to focus on our fast approaching wedding date (April 17th) which is in 40 days. The reason we started trying for a baby before this date is because we figured with my irregular ovulating it would take some time for us to get pregnant-- I kinda wish we thought this through more thoroughly.

Anyways, it's hard to focus on wedding stuff, when pregnancy stuff is on my mind, and vice-versa.

I feel like we've got our shit together for the most part as far as the elopement plans.

I've given up on my original dress I wanted to wear, ordered a different one completely this morning, and I am thinking of ordering a second to help guarantee something will work in my favor.

I think my pintrest wedding board is full of Do It Yourself instructions for Boho Flower Crowns, we are having our friend perform the ceremony, and I ordered spanx, and a nice (more expensive than I've ever paid) bra for my under-dress things. I have my moccasins I plan on wearing on their way (despite Deana not being able to picture it, it's gonna happen), and my friend Heidi is making our 'reception' (if you can call it that) cake, and our cake topper is on it's way (it says; "As You Wish")! I have a list of restaurants I like for dinner after on the 17th-- Excelsior being at the top of that list.

Other than that, Marc is planning on wearing a suit he already owns, and outside of having him try it on, and we'll also most likely get him new shoes, he is taken care of. I need to figure out a bouquet I like, and just start sending crap to Stormy-- as I figure anything I want can be made.

And, most importantly, we have the photographer figured out:

Affordable, professional photographers providing photographic services to all of the Willamette Valley.

Our friends, Skye and Keith, own Radiance Photographics in Eugene. A photographer, a GOOD photographer, was the one thing I didn't want to compromise on-- since we're eloping, and only having a few select people there, I felt it was important to have pictures of the day. Plus, when I was small I use to love looking at my grandma's parents' wedding picture. I want that for my someday great grandchildren.

We are really lucky-- the only thing I didn't want to compromise on, and the one thing we most likely would not be able to afford (at least on such short notice) is the photographer, and Marc's mom told Marc she wanted to help with that. Which, to be completely frank, is a great blessing not only to us, but now I don't have to ask Skye and Keith to work with us on any sort of budget-- we can just pay them, like normal clients.

Anyways, plans are coming together, and I think we are going to have a wonderful day-- April 17th. I've got ribbon, and umbrellas, we got hoops we're bringing, and on top of everything we get to be in Eugene for a week.

It's sad that I look forward to a week on the floor in Eugene so much-- and that was before we started talking about eloping. Now, it has this whole new element of excitement, and joy to it.

Fairest and the best. On-ward and upward ever, Forward and on, and on; Hail to thee, Land of the Heroes, My Oregon.

So, I haven't officially announced it on facebook, in fact, I've only shared this news with a few people, but since our miscarriage we ovulated for the first time on February 6th, and got our first positive pregnancy test on February 24th.

I'm due October 30, 2014

We are really excited, and really scared. We've had too many losses, and there have been a lot of tragic deaths early on this year-- we need a miracle.  I'm currently doing everything I can to keep myself healthy. I'm sleeping on average ten to twelve hours, I'm eating well, reading what I can, I'm doing light cardio daily (and currently avoiding strength training), I have my first Baby Doctor's Appointment on March 10th, and will most likely be getting an early ultrasound this time around to confirm a heart beat as soon as possible.

I've been stressed by the added judgement I'm going to feel from this pregnancy-- last pregnancy EVERYONE I encountered assumed I was having a home birth, and electing Jess to catch. When, in all reality, the idea of home birth doesn't fit me at all-- it stresses me out, thinking of Jess' van being on my small street for that amount of time, having Ellaine next door; monitoring my household activities, moreover, mixed with the idea of people wanting to stop by to see the baby after it's birth. I hate thinking of the traffic, and people being over here.

Also, I'm not STOKED on the idea of doing an early ultrasound, I feel in most cases it's unnecessary, and ultrasounds have been linked to autism. At the same time, I've had so many miscarriages, that I now need/want the visual verification. I'm not stoked on the idea of it, because, again, I already feel judgement, because I lived with a midwife for five years.

Anyways, it's turning me into someone who will only be sharing intimate details about my pregnancy with Marc, and Deana. I've even stopped trying to share things with Jess, and I've only told her things when she's asked (the one time I tried to share with her ended up being a debacle). Or, I'll over-share, and this pregnancy will read like an open book.

Either way, I know I'm going to cut the first person who assumes anything. Planning our elopement, and quickly becoming pregnant has taught me, very quickly, that Skye's words ring with so much truth:

"NO ONE in the world will handle it the way you want them to. No one will care as much as you and even the people you love the most will find a way to make it more difficult for you. It's always the case."

I went in for a blood draw to check my B-HCG and progesterone levels. Outside of that, it's weird how every beat of my heart is telling me to get the fuck out of Utah.

I hate it here, now, for two. I just don't think it's possible to raise a child the way I want to raise it here in Utah. I'll miss the kids, but I'm use to having Jess only a phone call away. I want to raise a healthy child, in the Oregon outdoors.

I'm really taking that idea seriously. That doesn't mean I'm not dealing with February depression, mixed with the intense fear of miscarriage-- I'm making decisions for two, and making the healthiest decisions I can possibly make for myself. I realize that there is room for improvement in my diet, but I'm impressed by the drive I feel in this pregnancy to 'do things right.'

It's like the idea of health starting at home has really wormed it's way into my brain, and I've been trying to make myself my top priority, because when my beautiful, strong, smart son, or daughter is born-- I'm going to be instilling in them what I've been learning the last couple years.

Here's this week's Groceries from WinCo:

Feeling pretty okay with my healthy food choices

I've been reading a lot about the Fertility diet on top of everything.

We've been cooking at home a lot lately, something I'm pretty proud of.

This pregnancy, whether it fails, or not, I'll be practicing what I'm going to teach my baby: Consistency, Persistence, Discipline, Intensity, Patience, Desire, Focus, Faith.


We do need a miracle, but with, or without we're already pretty blessed.

“This activist loves Oregon more than he loves life.”

"Oregon is an inspiration. Whether you come to it, or are born to it, you become entranced by our state's beauty, the opportunity she affords, and the independent spirit of her citizens." --Address to the 1973 Legislature

There have been a lot of sudden big changes rolling around in my life. I feel poorly that I've neglected this blog so much!

How Would You Even Know I Was Here?

Day 16: Monday outside 20 minute hooping with the kids. Amazeballs!

First thing! The results of the Curvy Hooper Video Challenge 2014!
Next, is probably more spectacular:

SISTER!

I wanted to make a general update/overview. With starting at the new store, and the kids' Mondays being a little bit more full-- I've been slacking on my updates. Plus, there is something magical about setting aside the time to write, with my snuggly kitties, and a bowl. That's what make day's off so amazeballs.

Like I mentioned in my previous update I've been working really hard to be actively involved with the kids' homeschooling as possible. Frankly, this is selfish on my behalf, because I am trying to prove myself indispensable to The Walters clan. I need Jess to be apart of raising my kids, and I need to continue on in my journey with her children-- and I want to move to back home to Oregon. Jess can have an amazing garden there, and I can raise my kids in the open air.

Part of making myself be indispensable looks like this:

On Monday's, per the kids' request, I write up our schedule for the day

During the kids' lunch time free time, Liam asked if he could use my tablet. Since that activity is normally reserved for Thursday we compromised by doing a 10 minute rotation; tablet, elliptical, and reading. This seemed to work freakin' awesome!

Part of after lunch free-time looked like a 10 minute rotation.

Set a timer for 10 minutes, and have the kids rotate activities every time the timer goes off

Liam asked me to hang this up, because he is excited for the sun to return, and for us to start hiking. 

Like I mentioned in yesterday's blog post, the kids and I have baked bread and made homemade butter, have done many Mad Libs, gone to the Salt Lake City Information Center, studied Imbolc, watched episodes of Ghostwriter, practiced our handwriting, worked in workbooks, planted onions in reused yellow cups from Dickie's, hula hooped tons, we've been reading Save Queen of Sheba together, and have had our hands in some crafting. And, here are the picture's I've been taking along our way:

Kieran made a Sabbat Wheel for Imbolc last Monday. Goal for upcoming Spring, To Love More. 

Violet's Imbolc drawing

Bright Imbolc Blessings to All. --Liam

Liam's Seasons Wheel

Violet's Season Wheel

I know I write monthly goals, but I participated with our Imbolc activity by writing my monthly goals while the kids were here.

My Sabbat Wheel

Chinese New Year, and Imbolc were our introduction into learning about seasons, months, the difference between solstice and Equinox.

And to see more about this craft read this blog entry.

I try to make the kids as comfortable as possible when with me, and try to make school stuff fun. I think I do an okay job of that-- at least they always seem quite content in their pictures with me.

Violet going on 10 hours of sleep at my house

Workbook activities at PRC

My little buddies being fuckin' adorable. 

Simple Bread Recipe the kids followed:

2 cups very warm water (we put a kettle one and take it off pre-boiling)
Big Spoonful of honey and/or molasses
1 Tablespoon Yeast
Bread flour (about 4 cups, until the dough is stiff, and difficult to stir)
Pinch of salt

This bread recipe is fairly simple. Hell, our 7-year-old has pretty much mastered it. First take your very warm water and mix it together with honey/molasses-- once everything is mixed and dissolved sprinkle the yeast on top.

The yeast foaming

Sprinkling flour ontop of the warm liquid and yeast

Mix everything really well

Then let the dough rest and rise

After all of the ingredients are mixed, allow the dough some time to rise. I read to the kids during the rise time-- I also found since my house is kinda on the chilly side, making a nice, warm, humide space for the dough is a giant help, pre-heat the oven to 200*F with a pyrex casserole pan full of water (do this when your water is heating up when you're first starting), once the dough is ready to rest turn off your oven, and let the dough rest in there. Doing this will help it rise fairly quickly.

After the first rest give the dough a good mix, and transport from the bowl to it's bread baking dish. Once there allow the dough to go through a seond rest while your oven pre-heats to 350*F, bake for about twenty minutes, rotating half way through. Viola. Perfect, simple bread.

A few more pictures from our Mondays together:

In honor of learning a little about pioneers we had stew in pie tins.

Liam explains over dinner how he made the stew.

Kieran aproves of Pioneer Grub.

Outside of my Mondays, the new store, and brain-washing the Walters that they need to move with me to Oregon. I also got to see my sister, Amanda, and I've been trying to focus on my health and future as much as possible.

Marc, and I have been talking a lot more about our future plans and what we want to do in terms of legally making a commitment to one another. It's been difficult, because he really wants to do certain things more traditionally, and I want to say 'fuck all' focus on us, and what would be fun, and make us happy in terms of making a legally binding commitment out of our relationship.

I want something more personal, beautiful, and meaningful-- and it's not that he doesn't want those things, I just think he thinks things should be a bigger stress/to-do than they really need to be. I'm not trying to put anyone down, I'm just saying a big, flashy show isn't us.

I don't know. It's been a lot of fun talking about plans-- exciting, romantic, honest. But, enough about that.

I know I already shared February's goals, but after feeling like January had a few let downs (I was sick a lot of the month, but still participated in making healthy choices) I don't think it would hurt to see them again:

February 2014 Goals: Looking forward to a magical Spring.

Day 17 on Project: This is my 'I am super excited to exercise' face!

My 15 Goals are totally doable, and since I'm currently getting over January 2014 the month of sickness-death-and-doom I am recommitting to an *active* (I've been making pretty okay food choice, I can always improve, but I'm mostly proud) tomorrow. 

To be honest, it's been really difficult staying positive, and therefore it's easier for me to choose immobility over activity. However, this blog was partialy started as a way to keep myself accountable, and to keep track of my journey through life. This is part of my journey.

My journey consists of depression, and my depression is stemming, still, from our last miscarriage, and due to the fact that my cycle hasn't been this wonky in a long time.

However, on a more positive note, Marc and I are currently trying to get pregnant. After our last experience, we both felt that this was something we wanted, and decided to start working towards our goal. So, we've been tracking my Basal Body Temperature, and using ovulation strips. Hopefully, due to my active, healthy, and happy lifestyle we'll eventually fall pregnant, and be able to sustain said pregnancy, and have our healthy baby we both want.

 Until my next post, here's proof I'm working toward some of February's Goals already, and plan on doing more tomorrow!

Monster Magnet

With the kids being home-schooled I've been really trying to up my involvement in their activities. We've baked bread and made homemade butter, have done many Mad Libs, gone to the Salt Lake City Information Center, studied Imbolc, watched episodes of Ghostwriter, practiced our handwriting, worked in workbooks, planted onions in reused yellow cups from Dickie's, hula hooped tons, we've been reading Save Queen of Sheba together, and have had our hands in some crafting.

One of our crafts we did together (well, mostly Violet and I)  was weaving a rug made out of old T-shirts, using a hula hoop as a loom.

Hula hoop Rug Weaving

Old shirts that were lying around my house, and clearance finds

I've had a few people request instructions on making said rug so here's roughly what we did:

You'll need:
-Scissors
-hula hoop (I used an old one I picked up at K-Mart a few years ago, cost about $5)
-about a dozen T-shirts (I used old ones lying around the house, and $1 finds in the clearance section at Old Navy)

Steps:
1- Pick out a hoop for a loom.
2- For the wrap, cut 1"-wide loops from the bodies of the tees (I found using Men's XXL from the clearance section at Old Navy), removing the hem and stopping at the sleeves. I read online that 11 loops work the most ideal, I used 8, but the next rug I make I will do the 11 loops (this should take about 2 shirts).

The beginning

3- Stretch one wrap loop over the hula hoop. Add and secure a second loop, perpendicular to the first. Repeat, filling in the spaces. 

4- Push together two loops at the top of the hula hoop. This creates an odd number of spokes in your wheel, which allows the overunder pattern of the weft to alternate with each new row. Secure the first weft loop to the center of one of the spokes (you can use the double spoke that was created) by wrapping it around then looping it back through itself.

5- Begin weaving the weft over and under the warp spokes, forming a tight spiral. For now, treat both parts of each spoke as a single unit, weaving over or under the two together. As you work, push the weft material toward the center of the hoop and keep it just snug. If you pull too tight the rug will deveolop lumps and/or bends. When you reach the end of the piece of weft, add a new loop by threading it through the end of the first and back through itself.

6- When your rug is about 8" across, begin treating each warp spoke as two individual strips instead of a single unit, weaving over or under each strand instead of going over or under the doubled spoke. This will improve the structure. When you get to the two warp spokes that you pushed together at the top of the loom, separate them. Treat one of the spokes as two individual strips, but continue to treat the other as a single spoke-- this will help maintain the odd number of warp spokes.

7- When the rug is the size you want snip open your weft loop. Tie the ends around warp spoke, and tuck ends into the rug-- cut the warp spokes off the hoop one at a time. Tie the ends in pairs, then trim them to make a fringe, or tuck them back into the rug.

1. 
   

Our finished rug

While looking up how to write this blog (we free styled what we did on our own, I had a pretty good idea of what I was doing due to what I learned in the Idian Education Program), I found a lot of helpful sources including this one.

I also googled 'hula hoop rug weaving instructions.' And, that turned up a lot of helpful information.

I am really looking forward to making our next rug with a bigger hoop. It should be a lot of fun, especially now that we have the first rug under our belt.