A Very Merry Green Jello With Carrots Visit

As of yesterday, I am officially done with my Salt Lake trip, and today (and yesterday) is a perfectly overcast and slightly damp Oregon day. And, for that, I am grateful.

As far as my trip; it was easier than I anticipated in some ways, and way harder than I imagined in others (goodbyes, man).

All-in-all, I liked being there, just like I've always liked being there. I enjoyed our family time, couldn't get enough of Jess, liked hanging out with Ian the little bits we could, and loved cooking a couple of nights for all of us for supper.

While just focusing on the good in front of me things were incredibly manageable-- it's like, I finally got the goodbye I deserved back in May, which I felt was robbed from me, because of the circumstances I was dealing with. Coming back to Utah, back to my loving family was healing.

When I was preparing for my move back in May 2014, I had conviction in my decision to move. I felt in my heart, and knew in my mind that the decision was right-- I didn't feel like I was escaping a dire situation, like I had felt when I made the rash decision to move to Hawaii when leaving Josh, his drinking and his abuse back in 2008.

When Marc and I broke up I had choices, and decisions to make. I was in a good place in my head with the therapy, and getting healthy prior to all of last year's crap, really made me feel the best I have ever felt in my entire life-- despite my deep depression last March. As I've mentioned in previous posts I felt alone, felt suicidal, and then I was dumped. That ended up being the best thing to ever happen to me, because it pulled out of the depression, and taught me that some people aren't a loss in your life despite prior significant meaning.

It was after my move to Eugene when I started to rebuild that I started focusing on the things I needed to heal from, forgive myself of, forgive others for. From May to July I embraced being home, and let waves of euphoria engulf every emotion as I enjoyed the summer's heat and being on my bike. Then from August on, I've been inside myself; fixing some deep cuts, feeling the things I need to feel, and expressing them, mostly in healthy was.

Going back to Salt Lake City for the first time since leaving made me feel the best I've felt in a lot of ways. I felt like I had control of my feelings; proving despite any anxiety I may had been having prior to leaving that I could conquer fears.

And, I had a lot of fears.

I had fears about running into Marc, fears of dealing with the emotions even thinking of Darcy invokes, I had fears over my curiosity about my house-- fears of my own anger taking control of me.

Here's the thing, going back to SLC reminded me that if love conquers all then surely, if I love myself then I should give myself the power to remember that I can conquer anything I want. Even my own scary anger.

I don't feel angry now that I've had the goodbye I deserve. And, there was no anger in me as I got to enjoy my family with absolutely no outside drama. I feel the best I've felt in a long time, because I allowed myself to fully enjoy the kids, and made it a priority to spend as much time with Jess as I could, something I really regretted when leaving in May.

And, coming home was a greater gift, because despite being sad I had to leave my Utah family, I came home to the things I've been working so hard towards since I left them, and I really feel as if they would be proud.

Plus, I came to Eugene and found love, friends, home, and family.

Anyways, I wanted to make it appoint to take some pictures with an actual camera while visiting-- I didn't bring my (older) dslr, but I did take my little point-n-shoot, along side my phone, and tablet and here are some pictures from the trip:

I wanted to get a good picture of the Littles at a place their grandparents would love

For some reason this desert city loves their fountains like I love these children

Silly pictures of these cuties

Hand Shelf

Very appropriate

They're just so full of the wonderful

City Creek

City Creek

We were attempting a picture with all of us, but were unsuccessful  

My snuggle bugs

Magnificent bastards, all of us

Miss Violet with her Prince of a brother escorting her through the Disney store

Brigham Young's Memorial Cemetery is a favorite place of the kids and I 

I love Vi in this

And, I love Liam's toothless smile!

And, this is probably my favorite from my entire trip. Our little man, Kieran, is 11!

Kieran took this family gem

Getting ready to take me to the airport

Best friends selfies

Coming home was happy

Violet with her tattoo my friend, Kendra, did for me for her

Rainbow Chard at the Eugene Airport

Sweet girl

He's so grown

Stop it, Kieran James, stop it now. 

Beautiful 

Perfect

Silly

Cheesecake Factory

Fountain time

Dear Lord, I just love everything about this kid

Liam

The Littles

Kieran and Liam

Violet and a two headed lamb

My snuggle bug

My little Beth so happy as always

Violet sound asleep in her sling, and in my arms

Sure, you can totally sling a five-year-old

Selfie masters

My first picture of the trip; Violet, Zuko, meee-tee-hee

"Thought I'd never see, the love you found in me. Now it's changing all the time-- living in a rhythm where the minutes working overtime..."

I survived my first bout of food poisoning with my boyfriend.

Apparently, Taco Bell doesn't sit well on a thirty year old stomach, but thankfully I had only a few bites, and did not get nearly as sick as Brad (poor guy). We woke up at the same time, were sick for three hours, and then I fell asleep with Bradford holding me-- I slept until 11, Brad until 1, he continued feeling off the rest of the day, while I was able to get to a place where I was able to go to work.

We are both feeling tons better, and I am so grateful for that, because as of today I am officially on vacation. I have big plans for the day; Check-in confirmation, printed my boarding pass, and I plan on getting my laundry in order, finish packing, do some light picking up around the apartment, and maybe treat myself to some home spa treatments.

I've been really lucky lately-- I've done a great job recognizing when I need extra care. I've been good at getting a handle on big, negative emotions before they become an issue, I can confide in my wonderful partner-- who's Vulcan ways soothe my savage soul.

It's so weird how things sometimes trigger me though.

Social media, as always, is the worst trigger, but also sometimes, a very important tool. I would get rid of Facebook all together if it weren't for the fact that I do enjoy looking at everyone's pictures-- I love seeing happy faces, children growing, nummy food, and all the positive things (most) people have the tendency to share.

However, there are certain things I have the hardest time stomaching; family members contacting me under the rouse of "caring," I had a friend write me with some pretty hard news and said news just makes my heartache, because even though I am absolutely in love with the hoop I am not at all active in the hooping community, and that's hard, because I can't really see myself rejoining the online hooping community anytime soon. Then there is a plethora of random things that feel like an attack, not on me, but are none the less offensive, or somehow hurtful.

I just get ridiculously sensitive, and things that normally wouldn't even bother me, just get to me. It doesn't matter mood cycle, and there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason: Today, I couldn't keep myself reacting to a post on Facebook that bothered me.

I don't know why it bothered me-- a woman I went to school with had posted a meme to her Facebook stating that there is more tar in marijuana than cigarettes, and then posted some meme about being safe and drinking with a nurse around...and, something snapped, and I said something about never experiencing abuse from a stoner, but experiencing different with a drunk.

I know this woman doesn't know me from Adam, doesn't know my story, and has no idea the connection in my head-- all she sees is an insane me, being a bitch.

She doesn't see an emotional me feeling sad about my friend's message, she doesn't see me concerned seeing someone I love make post after post about her first broken heart, no one can see the disconnect I feel in the hooping community, because the hooping community exists online, and this girl doesn't know that just a few days prior my brother hurt me by essentially calling me lazy via a social meme.

In short, there are times, I do not have the skin to deal with people. All I can do is look at MyFitnessPal, read blogs, catch up on YouTube hooping videos...honestly, there are times that the internet is just not good for my mental health, because even though I am a fabulous, brash, loud, and a wonderful woman, I am also sensitive, cry easily, and take things too personally.

It is in these times I find it particularly gratifying that I've been practicing thankfulness for so long-- most of the time, more often than not, I am told that people really love how positive I am, and that's because I know how to look at my life, and see it for what it really is; wonderful.

I have hooping, writing, cooking, and constant daily love. I have two friends that live close by, and a special little I get to watch on occasion. I have a job I absolutely love with kind and wonderful coworkers, I am not always the best at keeping in contact with my mom, dad, and siblings, but I can honestly say, that I know love from them, as they do from me-- and we're lucky in that. I have Oregon, and a full heart, good food, an apartment, and cats.

And, I have this amazing man in my life. I have a partner...I have a best friend, with me, and it warms my heart just knowing that we feel so much for each other, and that we'll do anything to care for one another. That he knows me well enough to know how much I need this coming weekend.

And, I do need this weekend.

When things have been too scary about going back I imagine a few things and it helps calm the anxiety, and helps put a smile back on my face:

1) I think about how its going to feel seeing my wife again. I think about her hugs, and the way it feels to have her arms around me, and how much I miss her in my day to day. I think about how she might smell after having her and Ian living in my room sans me. I think the way she laughs, and how beautiful she's always looked holding the littles in her arms. I think about Chili Verde, and Thai food, and our ever important lady dates, which generally turn out to be us hanging out at The Compound.
2) I think about my old running/walking routes around The Compound, when I first started really making head way with my health I was living in The Compound, and me taking the time to get out and be active was a supported thing-- I learned to control anger on my walks, I would hoop on my walks, I would let all sort of hurts go while I left it on the pavement, and I can honestly say that my areas around Jess' house are still the most comforting to me. The Compound is still my home.
3) I think about the babies. I think about what it will be like to see them, and feel them, hug them, and kiss them. Tell them how much I love them, and that if anything could ever make me stay in Utah it is them. I think of Kieran, Liam, and Violet, and I feel proud of this last year, because they've helped me get here too. I want tell them that I didn't give them life, but life has been so kind to me that it gave me all three of them.

Anyways, I hope to have some good pictures and memories to share after this weekend. Wish me luck!

February 24, 2014: The Beginning of Death

It was a Monday.
I had the kids part of that day.
I had the day off, to celebrate my ex's birthday.
His mother came over mid day to have lunch at our house.

There are parts of last year that feel so fragmented, but on Monday, February 24, 2014, I have one memory in my head that seems to be there permanently.

On that morning a year ago, I had taken a pregnancy test. I had ovulated for the first time since my accidental pregnancy and miscarriage from the previous Fall (this loss was confirmed on November 3, 2013), and according to my tracking, if I had gotten pregnant from ovulating earlier that month, I should've had a positive pregnancy test by the 22nd.

I was down, because all of the pregnancy tests that I had taken had been negative-- the one two days earlier, and the one I picked up and took that morning. And, even though I was sad, I was also so, so glad. I didn't want to be pregnant yet. I didn't want to be trying yet. My then partner, had argued a very valid point when we decided to "try," and that point was that with PCOS it is hard to conceive when you are not ovulating. He kept arguing that we needed to be proactive, and I agreed with all his points, ignored my instincts, plans, wants, and needs and threw everything I had into becoming a mommy.

An entire day went by. It was a Monday. I had the kids part of that day, because I wanted extra time with my then boyfriend, his mother came over for lunch that Monday. I made Baked Ziti. I cleaned my house. There were hula hoops. We had birthday dinner plans at Log Haven up Millcreek Canyon.

While I was getting ready for dinner I went into the bathroom to fix my make-up prior to going out. I dropped my eye-liner into the trash bin. When I retrieved my eye-liner, I also fished out a positive pregnancy test from the garbage.

I'd like to say that all my fear and doubt fell away in that moment. I mean, I know couples that try for years to get pregnant, and here I am with my health issues, recently getting through a previous miscarriage (three months prior), and I ovulate for the very first time, and BOOM! Instant baby.

Monday, February 24, 2014: Moments after finding out I was pregnant. 

I told myself that it was a really, really good and strong omen that my baby was conceived so easily.

I snapped a picture.

I really struggled. I struggled, because I never know if I should stand on hope, or reality. I never know if I should snap a picture to remember, or if it'll be a painful reminder later. Do I buy a baby book to start documenting all the exciting little things, or do I wait to see if this baby will even make it through the pregnancy?

I wasn't as open, or excited about this pregnancy, like I was about the one in the Fall, because even though it was the first pregnancy that was planned, wanted, and worked for I didn't want to get people excited, only to miscarry again-- I put a lot of people's feelings before my own during this time.

The decision was enforced by one friend's reaction while I was telling them about the exciting news about discovering my pregnancy: no excitement, or even any fake enthusiasm as I told my friend of discovering the positive pregnancy test in the trash after an entire day went by. And, it killed even more that not only I couldn't get excited, but others were also having a hard time getting excited.

Then I thought about my mom a month earlier asking me to get back on the pill-- which I am against in my situation, because I don't think taking something to keep me from ovulating is healthy, when I have issues ovulating.

So, I kept it off Facebook, and spoke of it in hushes within my online blog-- I told a few people around me, and tried to continue life as normal; contacting my OB/GYN, and making an early appointment to start prenatal care. My first prenatal was set for March 10, 2014-- 33 days after I ovulated, and about 6 weeks from my last period.

It was on March 10th that I found out that my 7th pregnancy, my 4th confirmed pregnancy (the other three were considered chemical pregnancies...one of the many things Dr. Nance helped me understand), the only pregnancy I actually tried for was an ectopic pregnancy.

I was there at the appointment alone.

Not only was this pregnancy ectopic, but the pregnancy wasn't viable, and life threatening. I was told I needed to make the decision...nothing was going to save the pregnancy, but I needed to make the decision if I was going to take methotrexate to expedite terminating the pregnancy, to avoid a rupture.

Even though I have found reason, and logic in my decision, there are times I still feel like I killed my baby. That I chose to kill it.

To make matters worse the first two injections of methotrexate didn't work well enough to drop my hormone level the way my doctor wanted, so I had to have two more injections, and then get my blood drawn every other day to ensure that my hormone level went down, that my body absorbed what material it could, and expelled what material it needed.

It took over a month to get my pregnancy hormone back down to zero. And, everything about the situation was painful. The injections, the loss, the doing it alone, not wanting to leave my bed. All painful.

By the time my hormone level was officially back to zero, my life had completely changed. I suffered bad depression, prayed for death, because as the life inside me slipped away, I wanted to too. I felt completely alone in Salt Lake City. My partner had pressed for the pregnancy and then completely left me to deal with everything on my own. Then, he dumped me.

And, I was faced again with making another choice that was even more unbearable than the last: I needed to decide to either move into my own apartment (or with Noni), or move back to Oregon. I decided to move away from Salt Lake, and back to my hometown, because I didn't want to live in Utah, and not live at The Compound, or PRC. There was no building a life there for me long term, because I didn't want to be there long term.

That's the one thing my pregnancies made clear to me: I don't/didn't want to raise a family in the pollution of the Salt Lake Valley, amongst too many Mormons (I love certain members of the church, but take fundamental issue with a lot of the political power that church holds in that city), pedophiles, no ocean, and red air days.

I finished up loose ends, and left Salt Lake City on May 9th, and now I am facing going back there for a short visit. There are two ways I've shown Jess that I love her, like whoa: 1) getting another tattoo done on my foot after swearing never to do it again, and 2) this coming up trip. Which, I want, but at the same time reject the very idea of.

I know that tomorrow's anniversary, met with the fact that I am going back to Salt Lake for the first time has got me thinking about all of this. Sorting it in my head, and reliving the hurt I felt in the first two months I was back in Eugene-- I had someone I love cut me out completely, I had someone close to me tell me they were having a hard time connecting to me because I no longer was helping raise kids (there was more to it, but those are the words that stung like rubbing alcohol on a wound-- especially after just losing a baby a month and half prior), and I had someone I thought was at least a close acquaintance in Utah just completely stop interacting with me online completely until I finally removed her a friend.

It's these three hurts in particular, met with all the drama that happened with my ex (I cut him out completely, but he continued to harass me for months, and he stayed close to a few people after I left which made it near impossible to completely escape him) after leaving Utah that makes Utah really, really unappealing. 

I was telling Bradford about how anxious I feel, how unready I am, how I am afraid it's going to be too much, and hurt too bad to be back. But, I am going back.

I am going back to see my best friend and wife, her husband, our babies. I am going back to hug my mummum, and tell her how much I love her, and how much my Friends calendar meant to me this year. I am going back for sweet, wet kitty kisses from a wolf, hissy-kitty, and a fox. I am going back to try and fix me and Ian (we argued my last pregnancy). I am going back for my family.

Family, Bitches

When the Moon is Round and Full, Gonna Teach You Tricks That'll Blow Your Mongrel Mind

I was featured on Hooping.org! And, I received a message from The Oregon Coast Aquarium saying that they will be sharing the video as well on their twitter and Facebook sometime this week. I am really stoked that it is being shared.

I really want to start envisioning the next video-- I am having a hard time currently, because I have spent the last few days in severe pain. I got home Saturday evening from work, and about an hour/hour and half after getting home I got this sudden, sharp pain on my left side, and I've been home sleeping, or waiting it out since then.

It is weird how Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and Diverticulitis, both are diseases I have been diagnosed with and struggle with for sometime,  can sometimes feel so similar to one another at times, or at least play havoc in the same area in my body leaving me in so much pain.

I am really at a loss as to what I need to do differently at this point to lessen the symptoms I had under control just a year ago. I realize my diet is drastically different, but I still eat well, healthy, and real foods. I realize I need to remove some processed stuff, and lessen the gluten, and milk dairy I have been consuming, but those goals take a little bit of time.

See, really, taking care of one's self is a continuous journey. I think it is normal and healthy to take one's time to reach goals. I think if I were to completely over-haul everything, and completely cut things out (diary, gluten, a pantry full of groceries) I think it will effect me more negatively than positively, and I'll burn out quickly. These are the things I am weary of currently with the idea of an overhaul vs.  1) my body won't be use to the sudden change, and despite the change being a healthy one, there still needs some time for my body to get use to said changes, 2)I would be stressed-- I barely have time as it is to manage my household, and health while working opposite schedules to my partner, and 3)expense, I have a very strict budget that I try hard to follow.

Anyways, I feel like I walked away from that last paragraph giving a list of excuses, and have noticed a trend my last few blog posts as I've lamented about my struggles, and grief over the last year-- I've kinda gotten on a complaint train. Meaning, I am so grateful I can articulate the pain, and the hurt I've felt over my move; losing babies, losing a house, cats, my kids, wife, and her husband, but as far as my health is concerned I've done a lot of complaining.

And, granted there are times where there is a lot to complain about. Dude, there is nothing more frustrating than OWNING and BEING RESPONSIBLE over one's health and getting very little in return. I literally feel as if the two pregnancies, back-to-back, were like a game of Chutes and Ladders and I was slid all the way back to the beginning.

However, with that in mind, there is no where else to go, but up at this time, and for that I am glad. Plus, despite having hormone issues, pain, and the occasional digestive set-back-- I really have changed my entire life. My habits, despite needing some work, are ten times better than what they use to be. I hold what I put into my body in regard, and I work out consistently. Both of those things are things I changed years ago, and don't plan on changing again.

#OneOhFive

Grilled Chicken and Avocado Burritos

If you do not have cooked chicken on hand, grill or sear 2 chicken breasts for 10 minutes then cube.

Serves: 4 tortillas

Ingredients

• 2 cups cooked cubed, or shredded chicken
• ½ cup Mexican cheese blend (or mozzarella)
• 1 avocado diced
• 2 tablespoons cilantro chopped
• 4 large tortillas

Instructions

1. Mix the chicken, cheese, cilantro, and the diced avocados-- I sprinkle a little taco seasoning.
2. Lay a tortilla flat on a plate and add ¼ of the mixture, form a roll. repeat the process for all four tortillas.
3. Grill with Griddler, or George Foreman Grill, or add a little oil, and pan sear. 
4. Serve warm. My boyfriend likes it served with a little hot sauce, and sour cream on top.

I just wanted to share a recipe. I know it's been quite sometime, and even though this one is just a ten minute quick fix, it has become a household favorite in my apartment, and I felt sharing something was better than sharing nothing.

I also took the time this morning to submit this hooping video to hooping.org.

Other than that today I am celebrating 125 days of logging into MyFitnessPal, and this is my 105th blog entry on Keeping Up With Sari. That, in addition to it being 42 days until Friday, March 20th, the official first day of Spring, I am feeling pretty confident that by Spring, I will have a few more recipes to post, and maybe some more fun hoop related stuff. <3

"Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river." --Laozi

Focusing on stressing less has done wonders to my little world.

With only a few days until February 2nd (Imbolc), and 47 days left until Spring is here in the valley of milk & honey-- I have really embraced stressing less, and accepting help, and as the weather has been kind I've also have gotten out of the house quite a bit.

Some of the things I've done recently have been small, and simple things, but have helped with my disposition quite a bit. I've been walking to work a lot more regularly, and enjoying how the fog travels through the West Eugene neighborhoods. I love smelling the wood burning stoves, and where I once cringed at the idea of the clouds clinging to my bones, I've been really embracing the healing powers being in Oregon has always held for me. I can't help feeling so lucky to be here.

Bradford and I went to see a play at The Very Little Theatre called Other Desert Cities. My old roommate, and friend, Brett French, was cast as a lead in said play, and we couldn't think of a better reason to get out and enjoy the theatre like supporting Brett. My biggest complaint about said show was I needed more Brett French in it!

I have had a hooping friend over a few times, and we've even utilized using my apartment complex's indoor basket ball court to get in some hooping with music. I have been trying to make this practice a little more common, and it feels nice having someone around who enjoys it.

I've been really trying to enjoy all my activities, and moving my body-- not just focus on having to workout, and feeling the pressure of putting back on weight. Since I've been stressing less, I am working on my 120th day of logging into MyFitnessPal, and also logging my food, even if I don't complete it that night, I go back and finish it later. I am still maintaining the goal of not stepping on the scale until the first day of Spring. My reason? I really don't want that to be the main focus for my over all well being. I want to really focus on non-scale victories, as I celebrate the gift my body is.

One way I am celebrating is the other day Keith, and I got some hooping video for the first time in a while. I am excited, and proud of myself, because I am not the same girl I was a year ago after my last hooping video I made and posted on Youtube. I have gained weight, because of the hormone imbalance my last two pregnancies and miscarriages caused. I do, however, feel my most comfortable with a hoop on my waist, and I don't want my size to stop me from being proud of being a good hula hooper.

Thursday, was a great day over all. Skye, Keith, and their daughter, Juliet, picked me up, and we drove to Florence and had some A&W, and then drove up towards the Heceta Lighthouse, and hiked the Hobbit Trail down to Hobbit Beach-- we all took pictures, got our feet wet, enjoyed the sun and the sand, hula hooped, got some video (like I mentioned), found Sand Dollars, and enjoyed baby laughs. It was a perfect Oregon Coast day in January.

I also did a 4 mile river walk, down by the Delta Ponds at the beginning of this week with the Ten Eycks, and that was also a great time. When I got home from said walk Bradford and I talked about making it a goal to hike Mt. Pisgah, Spencer's Butte, and Skinner's Butter-- since he has never done any of those hikes, and they are all within Eugene city limits. Bradford and I are also planning a special Gervais day-- nothing says love like making it a priority to spend time with one another, and caring for each other's well being.

Other than that, I have been taking things 15 minutes at a time. I have a daily routine that keeps me on track, and keeps things from getting too overwhelming. Using the Household Management Binder has been helpful in keeping household projects on track, and helping maintain household finances. If I am having a day where things are too much, and there are a million things that need to get done, and I have work-- I set a timer and I work for 15 minutes. If I do that in segments it's crazy how easily the house stays picked up and clean.

Moreover, I've noticed since doing this it is also easier for me to be accepting to my partner's help. And, I have an amazing partner. The other day Bradford let me sleep, after having a few off nights of sleep. I was in bed for at least 16 hours and he vacuumed the entire apartment, went grocery shopping, picked up and cleaned the kitchen, and then brought me a Mexican Mocha in bed before I got up went to work, and babysat. My sweet man, also baked biscuits so I would have homemade biscuits this morning.

I am learning that having a partner that is a good fit for me means my life is just a little bit more tidy. And, I like that.

I still feel that my over-all health is my responsibility and that my body is a gift, but part of really appreciating that concept is knowing that with PCOS taking back off the weight is going to take time, but I feel like I can do it again, if I first concentrate on my mental health, and while I am not ignoring my physical well-being I rather focus on the many mini blessing I have surrounding me in my life, than get upset every time I step on the scale.

I am really excited to see what the next 47 days hold, and what goals I can accomplish between Imbolc and Ostara.

2015 you're good.

Brad and I in Florence in November

Brad enjoying some of the Oregon Coast

Juliet Ten Eyck happy sunshine girl

I was standing in the Pacific looking at the forest I just walked through to get to the ocean, appreciating the moon. 

I found 13 whole Sand Dollars Thursday. This wasn't one of them.