"You know, there's nothing damnable about being a strong woman. The world needs strong women. There are a lot of strong women you do not see who are guiding, helping, mothering strong men. They want to remain unseen. It's kind of nice to be able to play a strong woman who is seen."

For Kieran's 11th Birthday I made him a short video with a compilation of pictures-- he really likes it, and it was emotional for me, making it, but I feel like it touched his heart along with his sibling's. It makes me so proud to know these little people, and I feel beyond blessed that even though I am not fully ready to be back in Utah, my Utah family is ready for me, and all of them really want to help me get there for a short visit. And, I must admit the idea of hugging, kissing, growling, and eating snoops really has it's appeal.

In the meantime, for the first time in a year I was given a little peace of mind this morning, and I have such a feeling of relief that it's nearly indescribable. And for the first time in a really, really long time I am seeing things through grateful, appreciative eyes-- I don't have to force myself to find the good, or remind myself daily to practice gratitude. It's just right there.

The apartment is coming together, the kids are happy and healthy in Utah, Jess and I have been able to talk a lot more (which is in partially due to the fact that she has slowed down a ton since December 24th), and as I have come to the conclusion that with my awesome support here, Eugene, my mom and dad in South Carolina, and my Utah family fiercely backing me-- I can easily make, and reach goals again, and again.

I have been focusing a lot of the things that I worked for and built up for myself in Utah-- how I felt everything I was doing was because I was working towards something; PRC, working two jobs, taking off weight, actively participating in bringing up the Littles, getting myself healthy, etc, etc. And, I did all that with a "relationship" with someone that was completely self-serving, only kind when he was being deceptive and/or cheating, and he served as more of a weight than anything else (that things were good the first 9 months of our relationship, and then it was stretched out over 4 years, because I couldn't let go of the fact that Marc didn't want to work on it being 'good'-- he found someone that was committed to caring for him, and he just let the shit show fly).

"You know, there's nothing damnable about being a strong woman. The world needs strong women. There are a lot of strong women you do not see who are guiding, helping, mothering strong men. They want to remain unseen. It's kind of nice to be able to play a strong woman who is seen." --Ginger Rogers

The last bit of 2014 was grieved over. I have missed the kids, beat myself up for choices I made in Utah, have played things through my head a million times, have been constantly working on not punishing Bradford for what someone else did (don't get me wrong it's a process, but my partner is a Vulcan, and with him reasoning is there-- even in the face of emotions).

I don't feel as loss as I did when I first left Utah, and Bradford, Jess, and Skye never treat me like I am broken-- in fact, the women in my life are always driving me forward, and lifting me up. I can talk to Brad about anything; between huge sobs, or even through sighs of relief-- and, I don't feel like I am working by myself towards something. Even though I am still an individual, I have so much support, and we still come together to work towards a future we are building together.

Currently, we have talked about how right now we feel like we are just kinda drifting-- still trying to settle into a routine, and a life, but like we need a plan for what our next step will be. What do we want? So, we've been talking about both of our educations, both of our jobs, when we do we want to start a family(?), where do we want to travel(?), should we both attend school at the same time, would it be better for Brad to just try and make his current job an actual career, and while we are talking about that I've been expressing my interest in continuing on with hooping, and maybe someday owning a little restaurant on the Oregon coast. I've told Brad things that I was always too afraid to mention in my past relationship, including the fact that I may want to stay home (especially the first six years) once we start a family.

My point to my rambling? The options are limitless, and for the first time, since high school graduation, I feel hopeful. Hopeful about the future, what tomorrow may hold for me, I feel as if I am enough in everything I do, that I have good people in my life, absolutely no outside, unwanted influences, and I can't get over the fact that 2014 is over with. I never have to go through that year again.

Anyways, I am going to end this with a few pictures of me feeling my best, as a reminder that I am closer and closer to being there again, and it's just a matter of time before I am there again!