"Every second brings a fresh beginning, every hour holds a new promise, every night our dreams can bring hope and every day is what you choose to make it."

Last night I had a dream that I called The Compound, and was chatting with the kids. Jess was down stairs finishing getting ready for the day, and the kids were entertaining me with their conversations. What was spectacular about said dream was I talked for about five minutes, then there was a tap on the door while Kieran was telling me a story, Jess hollered up to Kieran to grab the door for her, and when he opened it I was there on the other side talking to him on my cell phone.

Kieran and Violet cried in their excitement, and despite their size and age Violet was determined to stay in my arms. Liam was excited too, but in his very Liam way. He was quiet, and we got in our good hellos, and snuggles, but it was sans affection at first as he warmed back up to me.

And, Jess was just so excited. I had her laughing the entire time I was at The Compound, which was only a day in dreamland. We ate, and cooked, and walked around the backyard as I watched her point her hose at different spots in the Earth as she excitedly told me what plants would be erupting from that spot. I did things around the house that she was waiting for me to come take care (this doesn't seem too far fetched, because there are certain things I rather take care of, regardless of me not being a legal owner of The Compound), and after we got the kids to sleep I hung out on the sofa with Jessie, eating Breyer's.

I woke up back in my apartment. And, things are the way they are meant to be.

The dream left me feeling really happy in my heart, and reminding me that things are so good.

Slowly my life here is growing. Getting here May 2014 was like planting a seed, and roots are starting to grow, and as Spring slowly approaches I feel my life coming together, and it's only a matter of time before budding, and blooming.

It will hurt, it will take time, it will require dedication, it will require will power, it will require sacrifice, there will be temptation. But, I promise you, when you reach your goal, it's worth it.

Perfectly, perfect.

So, one of the things I wanted to do at the beginning of 2015 was share a recap of 2014, and the things I've learned-- to help share some sort of amazing transformational story. Something that would end with some sort of cliche that reminds us all to trust the (weight loss) journey.

As I've been taking the time to breathe easy, appreciate all the wonderful, small things in my life that make it great, and recognizing the need for kindness in my heart and daily activities, it has also shown me that it's okay that I don't have grand words to paint 2014 out to be something more than it really was.

It is okay that in my grief and anguish from 2014 in review, that I can find the time to feel excitement in this coming up year. There were good things that came from 2014, if one were to read through my status updates on Facebook from last year at this time I was dying to be out of Utah, and I've been shown time and time again, that when life gets hard the Oregon air, soil, rain, fog, greens, sun, rivers, and ocean wrap me up tight in her healing arms. And, 2014 brought me back to the very, very beginning, to get me healthy and rebuild. And, it really has been hard dealing with PCOS, and my hormone imbalance.

PCOS/endometrial bleeding has been a big, hard part of my life, for many years. Studies show over, and over how difficult it is for PCOS sufferers to lose weight, and the different ailments that go along with having Polycystic Ovaries. I know that being stationary won't fix the pain that surrounds the illness. And, though I feel that it's frustrating not allowing my reflection, and the scale reflect the work I've been putting into my health, nutrition, and workouts, I also know that nothing will change, while doing nothing.

So, even though I've been undeniably sad about my inability to take off weight, and the constant weight gain I've been experiencing since November 2013, when I experienced my miscarriage from that pregnancy, I've been working towards none weight-loss goals, that are still health related. I want to lower my daily stress, take the time to shower my body with love (I've been really advocating the need for self-care in our home lately), I've been really focusing on low-impact, daily activities; walking, and hula hooping, and I've been organizing my life to help de-clutter the cobwebs in my mind.

I've been trying to read, and listen to music more, I've been using the camera around the house (I'll share some pictures at the bottom of this post), I am still waiting to hear back from the state about insurance, but plan on finding a good therapy match soon, and I've begun keeping a Household Management Binder that will hold my coupons, household monthly budget, menu, events, yearly, monthly, and weekly goals, and also recap overall household Need To Knows.

I am hoping with a little time and effort being put into myself, I'll be able to redefine my health goals each month, keep my over-all well being as a main priority, and really work towards wrapping up our life here in Eugene in preparation to relocating to Benton County (in about 9 months)-- which I am really looking forward to. I've been studying up on PCOS (trying to decide the best diet, and/or best exercise plan), and really teaching myself the importance of balance in my life.

For the first time in my entire life I feel like I have a relatively good balance between a good work life, a good balance of house work, enjoying my relationship and feeling so glad to enjoy our space together, and self-care. And, I think giving some much needed self-care will be key in helping reach daily smiles. I still need to follow through with setting up a writing spot, and getting a few house things in order, but I plan on posting recipes in here again, and hopefully sharing some success in what I learn while using my Household Binder-- last night I had $40 in savings from coupons.

I am looking forward to a possible visit and hosting my sister, Amanda, and her little family in my little apartment in West Eugene sometime this Spring. It'll be really nice to maybe get to watch Zoey, my niece, for an evening so her mom and dad can go out for their Anniversary. I am looking forward to cooking for more than just Brad and I, and maybe getting to spoil Zoey a little, and hopefully we'll see our younger brother for some Maple Garden too.

Plus, I am excited for Bradford to meet more of my family. It's been so nice, that even with the distance, he has met my sister, Hayley, my brothers, Devon and Andrew, and will soon be meeting my sister, Amanda, we'll get to maybe play some board games with her and her husband Ryan, and I will be able to spend some time with Zoey for the very first time since she was 9 months old.

This morning my meditation has been about not glorifying this past year (being grateful it's done), and embracing this slow, new beginning. That my life is on the road to being perfectly, perfect.

Sari101: The Good Life

So, since my last post I think Bradford and I have a little more of an idea of what we would like to focus on in the next couple months. We haven't made any for sure plans, but are both excited over the prospect of Brad finishing school. He has two years until his undergraduate work is completed, and I think if we put our nose to the grind, down-size our expenses, we have a real chance of getting ourselves in a financial safe place, and take the steps to get Bradford back to OSU.

Oregon State University is very obtainable, and if we wait until Autumn he will officially be an Oregonian, and will no longer have to pay out of state tuition.

I am going to work towards a new goal; start doing the things I use to participate in while living in Salt Lake City. I've been mulling a few things over in my head, and I feel as if it's time to start doing the things I love. I am going to get an area set-up for my laptop, so I can start writing a little more regularly, I want to put the time into using the cameras I have, I want to cook and experiment and hoop, hoop, hoop. I want to love my job, thoroughly, and then come home and enjoy managing this space.

I miss living stress-free. I miss loving my job, like I loved working at Old Navy. I miss a kitchen that I have the freedom to experiment in. I miss taking pictures, with an actual camera. I miss making nutrition an everyday importance. I miss having dance be a daily practice. I miss fitness, and managing my time.

There are so many things that I love about my new, little, shiny life that I thought it was wrong to want anything from my "old" life. I worked so hard to obtain a life I loved, and there were so many things in Salt Lake that were good, and they were all my things-- it is time to introduce the good of the old, into my brand new dazzling.

I've expressed to Bradford needing, and wanting certain things, and like a true friend he's been helping me make sure that I do certain things in a timely manner-- for example, I have completed my paper work for insurance, and I am eligible for the Oregon Health Plan. Depending on what plan I am on, I am hoping to get back into therapy, to help reinforce the good decisions I am making in pursuit of happiness, and hep sort some feelings, along with different coping skills I've lost over the last few months.

In the meantime, to eliminate stress I am going back to focusing on the things in my life that are immediately important, drawing in my circle, cutting down on negative things in my life, cleaning up my Facebook, and downsizing my friend groups on different websites. I am celebrating 100 days of logging into MyFitnessPal, and I think it's important that I continue with this practice, and I really want an easier time celebrating the positive.

What better way can I do that than reminding myself daily of all the good in life, and what better way to focus on the positive than really surrounding myself with only positive?

There is 20 days until Imbolc, and 66 days until Ostara, the first day of Spring. In the next 20 days I want to really work on destressing my life, writing The Compound a little more regularly, hula hooping 90(+) minutes a week, while sticking to a budget and meal plan. On Imbolc, I plan on celebrating the success of the last twenty days, and seeing if I can make and break new goals before Spring.

I am hoping by taking the time to breathe easy, appreciate the small things, and being just a little bit kinder in my day to day activities, I'll have a lighter heart, and a bigger smile on my face.

"You know, there's nothing damnable about being a strong woman. The world needs strong women. There are a lot of strong women you do not see who are guiding, helping, mothering strong men. They want to remain unseen. It's kind of nice to be able to play a strong woman who is seen."

For Kieran's 11th Birthday I made him a short video with a compilation of pictures-- he really likes it, and it was emotional for me, making it, but I feel like it touched his heart along with his sibling's. It makes me so proud to know these little people, and I feel beyond blessed that even though I am not fully ready to be back in Utah, my Utah family is ready for me, and all of them really want to help me get there for a short visit. And, I must admit the idea of hugging, kissing, growling, and eating snoops really has it's appeal.

In the meantime, for the first time in a year I was given a little peace of mind this morning, and I have such a feeling of relief that it's nearly indescribable. And for the first time in a really, really long time I am seeing things through grateful, appreciative eyes-- I don't have to force myself to find the good, or remind myself daily to practice gratitude. It's just right there.

The apartment is coming together, the kids are happy and healthy in Utah, Jess and I have been able to talk a lot more (which is in partially due to the fact that she has slowed down a ton since December 24th), and as I have come to the conclusion that with my awesome support here, Eugene, my mom and dad in South Carolina, and my Utah family fiercely backing me-- I can easily make, and reach goals again, and again.

I have been focusing a lot of the things that I worked for and built up for myself in Utah-- how I felt everything I was doing was because I was working towards something; PRC, working two jobs, taking off weight, actively participating in bringing up the Littles, getting myself healthy, etc, etc. And, I did all that with a "relationship" with someone that was completely self-serving, only kind when he was being deceptive and/or cheating, and he served as more of a weight than anything else (that things were good the first 9 months of our relationship, and then it was stretched out over 4 years, because I couldn't let go of the fact that Marc didn't want to work on it being 'good'-- he found someone that was committed to caring for him, and he just let the shit show fly).

"You know, there's nothing damnable about being a strong woman. The world needs strong women. There are a lot of strong women you do not see who are guiding, helping, mothering strong men. They want to remain unseen. It's kind of nice to be able to play a strong woman who is seen." --Ginger Rogers

The last bit of 2014 was grieved over. I have missed the kids, beat myself up for choices I made in Utah, have played things through my head a million times, have been constantly working on not punishing Bradford for what someone else did (don't get me wrong it's a process, but my partner is a Vulcan, and with him reasoning is there-- even in the face of emotions).

I don't feel as loss as I did when I first left Utah, and Bradford, Jess, and Skye never treat me like I am broken-- in fact, the women in my life are always driving me forward, and lifting me up. I can talk to Brad about anything; between huge sobs, or even through sighs of relief-- and, I don't feel like I am working by myself towards something. Even though I am still an individual, I have so much support, and we still come together to work towards a future we are building together.

Currently, we have talked about how right now we feel like we are just kinda drifting-- still trying to settle into a routine, and a life, but like we need a plan for what our next step will be. What do we want? So, we've been talking about both of our educations, both of our jobs, when we do we want to start a family(?), where do we want to travel(?), should we both attend school at the same time, would it be better for Brad to just try and make his current job an actual career, and while we are talking about that I've been expressing my interest in continuing on with hooping, and maybe someday owning a little restaurant on the Oregon coast. I've told Brad things that I was always too afraid to mention in my past relationship, including the fact that I may want to stay home (especially the first six years) once we start a family.

My point to my rambling? The options are limitless, and for the first time, since high school graduation, I feel hopeful. Hopeful about the future, what tomorrow may hold for me, I feel as if I am enough in everything I do, that I have good people in my life, absolutely no outside, unwanted influences, and I can't get over the fact that 2014 is over with. I never have to go through that year again.

Anyways, I am going to end this with a few pictures of me feeling my best, as a reminder that I am closer and closer to being there again, and it's just a matter of time before I am there again!

Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve upon the silence? --Shirdi Sai Baba

I've been sad, mostly missing last year's Christmas season with the kids. I keep telling myself not to worry, the littles are a letter and a phone call away, and that I should focus on my new little life and the simple Christmas I am having this year. However, during this time of year it is particularly good to be young and even though Juliet (my friends' almost two year old) provides a level of joy in my life, I am left feeling empty, not having nearly enough little loves in my life.

I hope that Kieran, Liam, and Violet know that I try to make all our memories special. In my absence, they remember, and are reminded with each of my visits, how much I love them, and how special our time together is, and how special they are.

Speaking of visits, I don't know if I want to go to Salt Lake City for a visit in February. It seems too soon, and the idea is painful. I am finally feeling the last several months there, and I am unsure of these original plans. There is always the option of asking Jess to come here instead, but it is hard with her job pinning down any dates...and, I want to see the kids, and the Utah moms, and my Old Navy family.

We'll see.

In the meantime, Bradford and I have been together for 6 months. The 6 best months I have ever experienced while simultaneously feeling other big things.

There are a number of incredible things about our relationship, but some of them are as simple as we never tire of one another. I am sometimes surprised by the ease and brevity of our conversations, to the rich, deep significance of our words to one another, especially when we are snuggled up to one another. I relish every moment we have together, and whenever we are back together again I can't wait to tell him the things that happened in his absence.

Our incredibleness together makes me feel so grateful at my decision to not force a relationship in Salt Lake that wasn't working, and to wait for a partner that is my best friend. I feel we are both so well suited for one another based upon the fact that we both know who we are, what we want, what our worth is to ourselves, and our worth coming into a functional relationship. Plus, I can tell him literally, anything.

Lately, I have been feeling less than stellar about myself. I have the tendency to have questionably low self-esteem at times. The other day I was mentally beating myself up; feeling like I wasn't good enough to be in my relationship, for a variety of reasons. I explained to Bradford that I wished he had met me 18 to 24 months ago-- that I felt like I really had things together, personally, at work, health wise, in my home, and I felt proud. 

The conversation that proceeded left me feeling light in my heart, blessed, and grateful at my decision in agreeing to pursue a relationship with one another. 

Sometimes, it feels strange to feel so strongly, and flamboyantly in love, when at the start of the year I was with someone else. Then I realize that feeling is only there because of the fear of what others may say, or think. But, I have noticed that anyone that matters, anyone close to me-- loves me happy. 

For the most part, I recognize happiness, even in the haze of sorted grief. And, I am excited to see what the future holds as we build each other and our lives up together. I am excited to be with him as I continue on my journey, and I am certain that the last six months has set the pace to something great. 

Cary Elwes, The Uncontrollable Nuisance of Pre-Winter Blues, and a Million Other Little Tales...

To say I've been trying to write a blog post for a while is a little bit of an understatement.

Well, here's an obligatory run-down:

I've been working as a hostess at a local restaurant for about a month now, it is a few miles away from my apartment in West Eugene, and I love it. It's been a welcome change of pass working in a kitchen-- it's fast-paced, fun, and food is involved. It's amazing feeling so good at the end of each of my shifts. Not to mention a serious, much needed blessing.

Things have been great on a personal level as well, I moved from my roommates home into a small two bedroom apartment. I miss being close to my roommates, but feel so blessed to have me, and Gabriel set-up and comfy and cozy on our own. We have Bradford, my boyfriend, and Schrödinger, his cat-- and all of us together make up the cutest nerd family. It's crazy how quickly things became delightfully domestic.

With Bradford's support I've been looking into finishing my degree, and maybe taking part in the Culinary Arts and Hospitality Management Program at Lane Community College-- it's a big decision, and I am trying not to take it lightly, I've followed through with filing my FAFSA paperwork and applying to Lane. I am hoping that with a little work, and organization I can hammer out the details, and make a good decision, before further putting the two of us into debt.

I am taking a break from Facebook-- much like my needed break last year. I feel that even though there are so many blessings in my life currently, there is no denying that I am finally dealing with the grief I put on hold in the Spring-- I was extremely depressed during that time, but the random mishaps that led to sudden changes in my life made me put that depression on hold and get myself in a more healthy and safe situation. Now, I am back to dealing with feeling all the hurt and grief I feel for having two losses back-to-back, dealing with the ugly hard side of PCOS, dealing with the hurt feelings I have from being ostracized, and hurt by a loved one, dealing with the repercussions of staying in a relationship with a mentally unwell partner for so long, and dealing with some hard rage that has settled in my gut.

I have started taking steps in the direction of wellness, but it takes a lot of patience, time, work, and want. So, Facebook is gone, until I am feeling better.

Moreover, my Utah family has also disassociated themselves from my ex. I am grateful for that for a variety of reasons, unfortunately, that decision also briefly put me in a spot. However, I feel like I handled it as appropriately as one can, I ended up needing to tell his family some of the things my ex told my best friend, because there was a health/safety concern, after involving them, we asked for no further contact from them. Endings are sad, but this was very necessary. I am mostly sad, because I really liked my ex's sisters.

On a completely joyful, happy note on the 4th of December I am meeting Cary Elwes. I am stoked.

In the meantime, I am working on a new set of goals for 2015, and I am working my ass off to complete my one big goal of 2014 (my new year's resolutions fell to the waste-side). I want to be back under 200lbs, after both the pregnancies PCOS does what it does, and my weight became uncontrollable. I hit back up to 230 at one point-- despite working very hard to maintain health. I am currently back at 215.2lbs. I generally tell people that health isn't a number on a scale, and that is very true, but I also know that my current weight isn't healthy. My short term goal has been to be back under 200lbs, and my long-term goal has been to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, which was 185.

Once I've reached those goals I'll reassess. I also have other goals, but soon enough I know I am gonna reach this goal. And, I am so grateful that I am finishing 2014 so strong.

Keeping Up With Sari...

I've been trying to write this for quite sometime, but just haven't had it in me to blog. Here's a general catch-up and a general purging of feelings.

Since my last blog entry I started dating someone, seriously. He is wonderful. Bradford is genuine, as genuine as people say I am. He is kind, thoughtful, sweet, and attentive. We are good, and everyday the last 4 months, the amount of time we've been dating, I've been grateful that his friendship, and love are there and present.

I thought my next relationship wouldn't be for sometime, and I am amazed, daily, by the amount of appreciation I have coming into this relationship. Bradford is amazing, and I deserve amazing.

Plus, there is no better feeling than being in love.

Anyways, today, for the first time in a long while, I had to go into Urgent Care, because of not being able to get my daily pain (increased because of my current cycle) under control. And, because of the pain I am in, I am in a very dark place.

I find myself slipping into sadness as I let some of my past creep in-- so, naturally, being in pain, and letting past situations eat at me, has me constantly thinking dark thoughts about the ectopic pregnancy, I find myself miserably upset about my past losses (most likely, because I had to give my medical history this morning at Urgent Care), and then I really find myself questioning certain situations, and throwing a pity-party for myself. Don't get me wrong-- my feelings are valid, and the negative feelings, and being upset towards people during that time isn't wrong, but the dwelling on it is a pisser.

So, today, I say fuck it. I am tired of being strong all the time. I have daily pain. I hurt every single day, because of PCOS. I have endometrial issues, and have days where I can't fucking get out of bed. I have been having these issues for so long, that I do not remember how it feels to be 'normal' anymore. My pain is so bad, that it leads to other struggles-- when my pain is worse (like days like today), I can't stop crying, I get panicky more easily, and my irritability gets so bad, I hate being me, and I feel sorry for my loved ones.

Today, I wish so bad, that I could rewind to August 2013. I wish I had never experienced all the loss-- the hormone imbalance getting shitty again, the weight gain, the hardship, or working so hard, and not getting results. I know this part, losing weight, takes time, but I am so frustrated. I had been doing so well, and all of that work feels gone.

Today, in my misery I am allowing this sadness, and I am making plans to get myself feeling better, after my day of really good crying. My plans will be me refocusing and being grateful:
1) Thanks to my amazing boyfriend, I have a camera I get to use again.
2) Soon, we'll be in our new place, which means we won't be commuting 2 hours a day anymore, I'll be hooping in my own space, and at the new apartment complex I'll have access to really good indoor hooping space with really high ceilings.
3) I am going to be reminding myself that how others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.
4) I am going to count my blessings, and be glad I have two of the world best kitties. Let's hear it for Schrodinger, and Gabriel.
5) I've been keeping up on working out, and I am really proud of the fact, that I am still practicing good, consistent, healthy choices.

Also, I am so glad that I have so many amazing things going on in my life. I know they are present, and I know my incredible support in my loved ones is in play. It's also okay to admit to have bad days, feel this too, and recognize that it's okay to admit that I have these pain issues, and sometimes I need extra support. Everyone needs extra love sometimes, and I do too.

"I like you so much I'm gonna take you behind a middle school and get you pregnant."

So, I've been postponing an update for sometime now, because I recently experienced a little negative backlash, like people do when they live openly, and share things online. I have quite a thick skin after so many years of blogging, and because I truly believe that getting upset over something someone has said online is ridiculous.

Anyways, to touch slightly on base it felt like this individual was trying to flame me because I use MFP, and the fact that I still weight myself versus me preaching just being healthy.

I am guilty of using MyFitnessPal-- it has helped me a lot while learning about nutrition. I absolutely do weigh myself from time-to-time, but that varies.

I think sexy happens at any size, I feel great at my current size, but also feel great knowing that I am almost back to the weight I felt my best at. I've worked for that. I am not fat-shaming anyone, because I am still fat. I am just a healthy, fat person (yeah they exist), that happens to be a sexy beast as well.

I do not think of this blog as a 'weight loss blog.' It's not. It may have started that way many, many moons ago. But, things evolve. I evolve. This blog has evolved. This blog is about me. Pure and simple. It's hoopy, and whimsical, and sometimes pure none-sense, but hey, that's me.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I need to sit down, write some goals and start reaching them. Since being back in Oregon I've been dealing with things the best way I know how; one thing at a time. I've been sad off and on, but for the most part things have been wonderful.

Today I wrote the kids a letter, and I was able to babysit for Skye and Keith. I recently found out that I was being under paid at my new store, and I'll be getting back pay very shortly. I've been able to get on Public Assistance, which was needed and I am grateful. I've been biking a lot (in the last week and half I've laid down 85 miles according to Runtastic). My skin is sun-kissed. I look happy and healthy. I've been honest with myself as far as where I am at, I am still dating, and I'm enjoying being single.

I am allowing myself to have silly crushes when appropriate, and brushing off dudes that are douche-bags. I just wanna smile, have a great summer with my friends, occasionally flirt with people, feel good on my own, hoop dance, and set into the rhythm of my new life.

I am happy with writing, taping hoops, working my day job, and being proud of doing things on my own for myself. It's kinda cool realizing my own awesomeness (in a totally non-self-centered sorta way, right?).

You know you're actively dating in Eugene, Oregon when a story on each of your dates starts out 'I was frying balls when...'

Blackberry. Soon. 

I've been meaning to update since I got here, but it's hard-- I've been super busy, we don't have internet yet, and I am trying to get myself set-up at work. Currently, I am at Skye and Keith's house, watching their sweet baby (she's asleep), and using their internet.

Things have been really good. I am soaking up everything about being here. When it's rainy and overcast I go out and I ride my bike-- it feels like a privilege after spending so much time in SLC (I miss the kids and Jess more than anything in this world). I literally feel my lungs cleaning themselves out, and getting healthy. I am working hard, hula hooping tons, taping hoops, being social, feeling grateful, trying to be more and more creative, and feeling/getting healthier and healthier.

I've had a couple people ask me out, and have had a couple repeat dates. I am not necessarily looking for a relationship, just embracing all the new experiences waiting around the corner. Plus, I date well, and so far I am only pseudo interested in one person-- ie, I think this guy is cool enough to at least be friends with, so even if nothing romantic happens I want to continue facebook stalking him at the very least. What? That's normal. I even asked him to accompany me to watch lesbians knock one another over on skates (ie, its the last Roller Derby bout of the season, and I wanna scream my head off for Stormy), sadly that won't work out, but good on me for asking someone out.

Moving on, tomorrow is my thirtieth birthday. New decade.

I am getting really excited. We are going to have a BBQ at Skye and Keith's house, and then go out for Karaoke. I have Kris, Tara, and Dawn coming down from Portland. I have Ryan. I have Stormy. This year there won't be an entire guest list of no-shows to my party, and I am determined to have a beautiful day-- if anything else I'll have a fuckin' awesome party. I just won't have Jess and the kids. And, that stinks. 

But, that's the trade off to living in heaven. I am lacking my soul-mate, and my kids. It's a tough flip of the coin, but the deeper into settling the more I hate Utah even more. This entire experience has taught me so much, and for that I am super grateful. Just moving back home has reminded me that I am enough. I am strong. I have confidence. I am funny. I have friends. I have a job I am good at. I am loving working Buckleberry Hoops as much as I have been (a lot of trade work, which is fuckin' awesome, btw). And, I deserve all the good things that have been happening the last few weeks.

Anyways, I should probably wrap this up. I am waiting on Stormy to pick me up before going to the photo shoot Skye is having for 2015 Babes of the Northwest calendar.

Here are a few of the pictures Skye has done for me since I've been home. I am goofy, beautiful, and I love these: 

(5/8) Take courage and leap; your sense of time is perfect

So, it looks like this will be my last blog entry for a little bit of time-- my new place in Eugene won't have the interwebs set-up until June, and I thought it best to mention my absences now since I've slowly, but surely have been gaining a blog audience.

How do I sum up my emotions about tomorrow? At this time I have more apprehension than excitement in me. I'm scared, I'm nervous, angry, and wanting to do unkind things to others-- for example I have to beat back the urge to give my two-cents to busy-body, asshole with no boundaries a piece of my mind. Yesterday when I was done with my last shift at the Sugarhouse Old Navy it was difficult not to tell the lead cashier (who has been nothing but nasty, and god-awful since Beth and I's transfer) how excited I am that I won't have to see her anymore.

I guess revenge to anyone that's made my life difficult in anyway while going through the ectopic pregnancy, or during the break-up of my engagement deserve a giant 'fuck you.' But, I'm not acting on that, and still trying to focus on good things, to keep my mind from drifting to a dark place.

I am just so grateful I had my last appointment with Jenny (Jenny Patterson Vasquez) on Tuesday. It was hilarious (as I often get funnier when I am really, really sad or upset), and satisfying. I was able to go over my feelings over someone close to me's involvement in an incident that occurred a couple weeks ago and I was able to get my heart to a forgiving accepting place (though we did spend two sessions discussing said incident), and we exchanged information to keep in contact.

I think the 5 to 6 weeks of therapy I had was probably the greatest gift I could give myself. Talking to her weekly helped let go of the suicidal thoughts, she gave me tools for dealing with BPD and understood/supported my decision of not having my mother be apart of my life, she made me feel so good about the tools I've gained through the life changes and how I implement them, and she made me feel like I was more in control of my emotions and how I react to them-- though whenever I expressed any negativity (like my revenge thing) she understood it all together and told me on more than one occasion that she was impressed with my self-control (trust me in the last few weeks I've wanted to do a few rotten things as a reaction to how I was feeling, but I didn't act on these things, because I'm 30, not 10).

Never-the-less, when she would tell me how impressed she was by my inability to act on these horrid whims it was like scoring points. I am not my mother. I am me, and love, kindness, and caring are always going to win.

She made me feel strong. We shortly touched base on our last visit that I am in a tough spot, currently. Marc is coming down from his weird episode, and has been sober for nearly three weeks. I told her that it's hard, because Marc so much wants to work things out, and I've told him numerous times I would love that too...however, I just feel too much stuff has happened, and the important thing for us to do now is focus on ourselves individually.

I told Jenny that even though I have forgiven Marc, I don't want to forget the things that have happened between us.