Hashbrown, No Filter: Taboo Talk and the Truth About Miscarriages

Sometimes, the only way to make something less taboo is to talk about it. 

Chances are, you know someone dealing with infertility issues.

I read, somewhere once, that something like 7 million people, that's 1-in-8 adults of child-bearing years, in the United States suffer from infertility issues. And, according to the national estimates, roughly 15 to 20%, or 1-in-5, of all pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage (miscarriage is defined as the loss of a fetus before the 20th week).

In the last three months, I have received about seven separate messages from women telling me about their miscarriage stories. Finding solace in the fact that I've been open about some of my past experiences-- honestly, when I read these women's messages I feel such deep sadness in my heart, because there is literally no one, not even me, can offer them to comfort them.

The truth is, miscarriages (and infertility, too, at times) is still taboo to talk about, even in 2015. And, miscarriages just happen.

The women in my life that have experienced pregnancy loss to any degree are often ashamed, or depressed to talk about that ugly time. And, then, at some point, it becomes no longer socially acceptable to mention that loss of life-- like even though you are the master of grief, and have moved on to deal with things on the daily, if you have a bad day and try to discuss it, somehow it gets turned into no being able to "let it go."

Well, fuck you, society, and fuck you too, Frozen.

The thing is, it's normal to feel jealous of other women, after experiencing this loss. The truth is, yes, some people do get tired of being sensitive towards someone dealing with an ongoing issue with no end in sight. The truth is sometimes you'll deal with religious rhetoric that doesn't sit well with your own personal beliefs, but you'll endure it to be nice to the person trying to offer you comfort. Truth is, sometimes you will find comfort in strange places, like I did in the blog entitled I Could Have A Baby And She Could Not.

The truth is, there will be times you won't be able to stand the jealousy you feel in your heart, feeling even worse for wanting to tell people to go take a flying leap into the infinite abyss, because they are experiencing complete joy, and all you've experienced is the absolute opposite.

It is normal to feel excited, and upset at every pregnancy and birth announcement-- you can be happy for your friends, and family, and still be sad for yourself, because the truth is couples eventually resolve infertility problems in one of these three ways: 
-They eventually conceive, and are able to carry the baby full-term.
-They choose to live without children.
-They find an alternative way to parent
Reaching a conclusion for what may work best for you, and your partner could take years, and, if you're dealing with miscarriage you, may also be thinking you may want to consider these three outcomes.

There are several websites, and blogs that help with Infertility Etiquette, but really what this really boils down to is, that it's taboo for women to discuss pregnancy, and infant loss, because it makes others uncomfortable, and it's taboo to discuss miscarriage-- a survey I read said that a majority of people believe that miscarriages only happen to less than 6% of the population, when it happens to 1-in-5 women here in the United States.

"It’s difficult to be a part of daily conversation where everyone is discussing having another baby, confiding whether they want a boy or a girl, how many they want altogether, and how they will decorate the new nursery room. To this day, no one seems to particularly care about my feelings. I find myself making some kind of snide remark or walking away altogether. My family seems to think I’ve always got a problem, but what they don’t seem to ever understand is that I just wanted another baby like each of them. You would think this would be such a simple concept." -Anon

Because, I'm rolling in the monies. 

It's time to make it less taboo, and start talking about it more often. Telling women to wait 12 weeks into their pregnancy to "announce" is great if that's what is best for them, but sometimes it isn't always the answer, because if and when a miscarriage may take place that makes that event something to kept a secret too. And, though mourning is personal, community support is vital to wellness, and wholeness. Often times, these losses are grieved quietly without a word to anyone.

It's my hopes that the more I talk the more other's will come to understand, like I have, my miscarriages are/were not my fault. And, maybe the more often we talk about it, the easier it maybe for people suffering from these losses to get to a place where they can accept that sometimes miscarriages just happen, and it's okay to mourn your loss, however is best for you-- and, not suffer in silence.

Break the silence: end the taboo, and talk about miscarriage, infant loss, and infertility.