"Life's not a song, life isn't bliss, life is just this; it's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel, you only can heal by living."

Dear Nicole, Alexander, and Ryan, You've been on my mind a lot, this happens from time to time for a variety of reasons, most of which I chalk up to the fact that you three were the biggest part of my life from 21 to 24. I love you three completely, wholly, honestly, and it's because of the relationship I fostered with you three that I am the person I am today. I hate that you three are hurting. I hate that you've lost something so big, and apart of yourselves that you'll be reeling from this blow for sometime-- probably the rest of your lives. I hate that the three of you have experienced so much more life than most people can even begin to fathom. I hate the selfish feelings I face whenever you three cross my mind.

I won't pretend that your mom and I's relationship was anything different than what it was before 2009. I know that you three witnessed a lot of ugliness between your parents and I, and though I can't speak for your mom and dad, and there is no need to rehash everything-- you need to know that I am sorry for any of the ugliness I played part of during that time.

Your momma and I started healing the wounds of that time together in 2009. Your mommy, Tonie, and I were never thick as thieves, but our friendship that we started to heal and build from has been so vital, and important to me, and in her memory I would like to share some of my feelings and memories of your mother. Tonie Lynn Sprague's birthday was May 23rd, the day before my mom's-- I always remembered it, and she always remembered my birthday too. She was vivacious, wild, full of character, and love. She struggled with her own demons, but she had a unique spirit, was thoughtful, and was always ready with a quick-witted comment. She loved the three of you more than anything. Was proud of all three of her children, and loved being a grandma.

And, I know I've said this to Alex, a million times, but I could never hate your mom, because she brought the three of you into this world, but I also could never bring myself to get along with your mommy during the time I dated your dad, because I really struggled with the idea of identifying with her. And, it's funny how differently I feel about your mom now at 31, then I did when I was 21.

Your mom has been supporting me, texting me, sending me pictures, messages, and love for years now. She has given me comfort when I needed it-- being a listening friend after my biological father, Cash, passed away, and doing the same, again, in April when my mommy passed away. She sometimes would message me telling me about the success she was finding in getting healthy and fit-- feeling proud, and good of herself, and telling me that I helped her with her journey. She would sometimes send me a picture of a round little baby with whatever silly caption tagged on with "For you Grandma Sarah!" 

She did not make me feel bad about being so hung up in losing out in having you guys in my life-- she comforted me, and told me, often, how fortunate she felt knowing how deeply I love you three. To quote my own mom, "There can never be too many people to love a child." Your mom embodied that spirit, and I grew to know that to be true the past ten years she's been apart of my life-- she loved all kids. She loved her monkey, Jim-Jim, baby Nicky, and Alexis. She sent Kieran, Liam, and Violet cards a couple times. And, I remember how elated she was when she had the opportunity to go visit Nicole and her littles in Arizona.

I am sad I can't hug and hold the three of you, but take great comfort in knowing that you have loving family with you. I am grateful for forgiveness at this time, and I grateful your mom and I had the opportunity to build our friendship-- that I was fortunate, and blessed enough to call her a friend. I am sorry for your loss, and I am so grateful for your mother, and for the three of you.

Yours, Sari

"If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusion I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusion I forgive myself."