Hashbrown, No Filter: Taboo Talk and the Truth About Miscarriages

Sometimes, the only way to make something less taboo is to talk about it. 

Chances are, you know someone dealing with infertility issues.

I read, somewhere once, that something like 7 million people, that's 1-in-8 adults of child-bearing years, in the United States suffer from infertility issues. And, according to the national estimates, roughly 15 to 20%, or 1-in-5, of all pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage (miscarriage is defined as the loss of a fetus before the 20th week).

In the last three months, I have received about seven separate messages from women telling me about their miscarriage stories. Finding solace in the fact that I've been open about some of my past experiences-- honestly, when I read these women's messages I feel such deep sadness in my heart, because there is literally no one, not even me, can offer them to comfort them.

The truth is, miscarriages (and infertility, too, at times) is still taboo to talk about, even in 2015. And, miscarriages just happen.

The women in my life that have experienced pregnancy loss to any degree are often ashamed, or depressed to talk about that ugly time. And, then, at some point, it becomes no longer socially acceptable to mention that loss of life-- like even though you are the master of grief, and have moved on to deal with things on the daily, if you have a bad day and try to discuss it, somehow it gets turned into no being able to "let it go."

Well, fuck you, society, and fuck you too, Frozen.

The thing is, it's normal to feel jealous of other women, after experiencing this loss. The truth is, yes, some people do get tired of being sensitive towards someone dealing with an ongoing issue with no end in sight. The truth is sometimes you'll deal with religious rhetoric that doesn't sit well with your own personal beliefs, but you'll endure it to be nice to the person trying to offer you comfort. Truth is, sometimes you will find comfort in strange places, like I did in the blog entitled I Could Have A Baby And She Could Not.

The truth is, there will be times you won't be able to stand the jealousy you feel in your heart, feeling even worse for wanting to tell people to go take a flying leap into the infinite abyss, because they are experiencing complete joy, and all you've experienced is the absolute opposite.

It is normal to feel excited, and upset at every pregnancy and birth announcement-- you can be happy for your friends, and family, and still be sad for yourself, because the truth is couples eventually resolve infertility problems in one of these three ways: 
-They eventually conceive, and are able to carry the baby full-term.
-They choose to live without children.
-They find an alternative way to parent
Reaching a conclusion for what may work best for you, and your partner could take years, and, if you're dealing with miscarriage you, may also be thinking you may want to consider these three outcomes.

There are several websites, and blogs that help with Infertility Etiquette, but really what this really boils down to is, that it's taboo for women to discuss pregnancy, and infant loss, because it makes others uncomfortable, and it's taboo to discuss miscarriage-- a survey I read said that a majority of people believe that miscarriages only happen to less than 6% of the population, when it happens to 1-in-5 women here in the United States.

"It’s difficult to be a part of daily conversation where everyone is discussing having another baby, confiding whether they want a boy or a girl, how many they want altogether, and how they will decorate the new nursery room. To this day, no one seems to particularly care about my feelings. I find myself making some kind of snide remark or walking away altogether. My family seems to think I’ve always got a problem, but what they don’t seem to ever understand is that I just wanted another baby like each of them. You would think this would be such a simple concept." -Anon

Because, I'm rolling in the monies. 

It's time to make it less taboo, and start talking about it more often. Telling women to wait 12 weeks into their pregnancy to "announce" is great if that's what is best for them, but sometimes it isn't always the answer, because if and when a miscarriage may take place that makes that event something to kept a secret too. And, though mourning is personal, community support is vital to wellness, and wholeness. Often times, these losses are grieved quietly without a word to anyone.

It's my hopes that the more I talk the more other's will come to understand, like I have, my miscarriages are/were not my fault. And, maybe the more often we talk about it, the easier it maybe for people suffering from these losses to get to a place where they can accept that sometimes miscarriages just happen, and it's okay to mourn your loss, however is best for you-- and, not suffer in silence.

Break the silence: end the taboo, and talk about miscarriage, infant loss, and infertility.

"Life's not a song, life isn't bliss, life is just this; it's living. You'll get along. The pain that you feel, you only can heal by living."

Dear Nicole, Alexander, and Ryan, You've been on my mind a lot, this happens from time to time for a variety of reasons, most of which I chalk up to the fact that you three were the biggest part of my life from 21 to 24. I love you three completely, wholly, honestly, and it's because of the relationship I fostered with you three that I am the person I am today. I hate that you three are hurting. I hate that you've lost something so big, and apart of yourselves that you'll be reeling from this blow for sometime-- probably the rest of your lives. I hate that the three of you have experienced so much more life than most people can even begin to fathom. I hate the selfish feelings I face whenever you three cross my mind.

I won't pretend that your mom and I's relationship was anything different than what it was before 2009. I know that you three witnessed a lot of ugliness between your parents and I, and though I can't speak for your mom and dad, and there is no need to rehash everything-- you need to know that I am sorry for any of the ugliness I played part of during that time.

Your momma and I started healing the wounds of that time together in 2009. Your mommy, Tonie, and I were never thick as thieves, but our friendship that we started to heal and build from has been so vital, and important to me, and in her memory I would like to share some of my feelings and memories of your mother. Tonie Lynn Sprague's birthday was May 23rd, the day before my mom's-- I always remembered it, and she always remembered my birthday too. She was vivacious, wild, full of character, and love. She struggled with her own demons, but she had a unique spirit, was thoughtful, and was always ready with a quick-witted comment. She loved the three of you more than anything. Was proud of all three of her children, and loved being a grandma.

And, I know I've said this to Alex, a million times, but I could never hate your mom, because she brought the three of you into this world, but I also could never bring myself to get along with your mommy during the time I dated your dad, because I really struggled with the idea of identifying with her. And, it's funny how differently I feel about your mom now at 31, then I did when I was 21.

Your mom has been supporting me, texting me, sending me pictures, messages, and love for years now. She has given me comfort when I needed it-- being a listening friend after my biological father, Cash, passed away, and doing the same, again, in April when my mommy passed away. She sometimes would message me telling me about the success she was finding in getting healthy and fit-- feeling proud, and good of herself, and telling me that I helped her with her journey. She would sometimes send me a picture of a round little baby with whatever silly caption tagged on with "For you Grandma Sarah!" 

She did not make me feel bad about being so hung up in losing out in having you guys in my life-- she comforted me, and told me, often, how fortunate she felt knowing how deeply I love you three. To quote my own mom, "There can never be too many people to love a child." Your mom embodied that spirit, and I grew to know that to be true the past ten years she's been apart of my life-- she loved all kids. She loved her monkey, Jim-Jim, baby Nicky, and Alexis. She sent Kieran, Liam, and Violet cards a couple times. And, I remember how elated she was when she had the opportunity to go visit Nicole and her littles in Arizona.

I am sad I can't hug and hold the three of you, but take great comfort in knowing that you have loving family with you. I am grateful for forgiveness at this time, and I grateful your mom and I had the opportunity to build our friendship-- that I was fortunate, and blessed enough to call her a friend. I am sorry for your loss, and I am so grateful for your mother, and for the three of you.

Yours, Sari

"If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusion I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive I forgive myself for that. For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusion I forgive myself."

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others." --Cicero

Today, I am taking a moment to take back a little bit of the power I've recently lost to silly anger. I am choosing a morning starting with a little writing time, and a great breakfast with eggs, bacon, coffee, eggs, hash browns, and toast. I am reminding myself of little pieces of happiness that spring up around my day, and in that spirit I am setting a goal to practice 365 days of gratitude.

"Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgiving, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings." --William Arthur Ward

I am thinking of trying to make a gratitude jar, and/or share gratitude on my Facebook Wall a little more often. And, I have a lot of things to be grateful for, thankfully. I have seen so many positive changes in my personal life recently, that I simply don't have the time to waste on useless anger, and I sometimes have a hard time controlling my anger.

It's okay. I've kinda struggled with this sorta thing for years-- George Michael said it best; "it's hard to love, there's so much to hate," but really, any excuse to quote George Michael. Anyways, once you start getting angry over little things, it's easy to constantly be annoyed and angry over everything.

Baring in mind, that such extreme negatives can have ill effects on one's health I am nipping this in the butt before it becomes outta control.

So, today, day 1, I am grateful for good, healthy foods in my belly, having control over my actions giving me the ability to choose to change my attitude. I am also grateful for home care, full-body two hour long massages, and homemade Chicken Tikka Masala.

I found God in myself/ And I loved her/ I loved her fiercely. --Ntozake Shange

Photographer, unknown-- random google image search find while googling; "Oregon night sky"

My boyfriend came and collected me from the forest this morning.

Sunday, after I got off work, I decided I needed to go camping, so on our way home from my work we stopped by Skye and Keith's house and I asked them if they just wanted go.

Brad stayed behind-- dying in the city of Eugene of allergies, as the mating of plants here in the Willamette Valley ruins his life, but he was still instrumental in the success of this random trip. We took Juliet while Skye and Keith finished laundry for their mom (she's a University of Oregon student), and grocery shopped for her and our camping trip. Brad and I, did some light shopping for snacks, packed the few things I would need, and then Bradford loaded the car, and drove me and the baby up to Fall Creek, and I spent some time in the deep green heart of Oregon with two of my close friends and their perfect angel-baby.

We ended up at Broken Bowl Campground, and it was beautiful.

For two nights in a row, I got to lay on my back on the forest floor looking up at the old-growth and stars, with a tiny water fall within sight, as I fell asleep. It was comforting. It was summer. It was home.

We ate good, simple foods, and tons of junk food too-- I mean, according to Theya (my friend, and my friend's older sister) all camping is is eating in the woods.

We swam, and drank, and smiled, laughed, took walks in the woods, scaled river rocks, hula hooped, danced, sang, took some LED stills, got some hooping video footage, Keith caught (1) Crayfish, and Skye cooked delicious things on an open fire.

Today's shower, back home, was glorious, and my sweet-man has us locked up in our bedroom for the day-- he had a harder time sleeping in my absence. Not to mention he was hot, bored, and missed me terribly. So, we ordered a little food (we had a coupon, huzzah!), darkened the windows, hooked the AC up in our little room, brought the TV in, and I've been listening to him catch up on sleep. Every once in a while he reaches out and I'll grab his hand and he smiles, says 'I love you,' and quickly goes back to snoring.

I went from two extreme opposites. From the beautiful outdoors that resonate with my soul, to being locked up in my apartment, grossly in love...with my air conditioner. (And, my boyfriend).  <3

Living Well...er, on a "budget."

There is no hiding the fact that we are currently using certain programs offered to help low-income families. There is also no hiding the fact that society has a stigma about people on low-income assistance. I've mentioned in a previous post wanting to focus on eating better sharing my experiences of eating healthy while using Public Assistance-- showing the things I receive when I need aid from Food From Lane County, and the things I do with my limited SNAP budget. 

It's my hopes that I'll be able to educate myself and others, and shatter stereotypes-- I don't want to be on public assistance, and the people I know that are currently using public assistance are grateful, utilizing what's available to them to better their situation, and move away from it once it's no longer needed.

Read this, because this little cartoon does a GREAT job explaining privilege. 

So, here's a little about our current situation-- my partner lost his job, and we've been waiting for a denial and/or acceptance letter for unemployment since he lost his job in April, I work as many hours as I can at my job, but with my health condition it is sometimes really hard to have STEADY hours, so they vary anywhere from thirty hours a week to ten hours a week, at $9.25 an hour.

With everything going on, I continue to try and get Buckleberry Hoops running, pursuing my goals of someday teaching, and performing...sometimes, Buckleberry Hoops isn't a lucrative, but an expensive hobby, just depending on how well things are going.

Keeping that in mind, while we are waiting for Bradford's assistance to kick in we are both living as best we can with what we do have. I get $192 a month for SNAP benefits-- at three meals a day, 30 days a month that's about $2.13 I have to spend on a meal, just for myself. My SNAP benefits do not include my partner since we are waiting on his benefits.

Food For Lane County allows families to receive up to one food box a month, and you're allowed two extra boxes during the year, in case of an emergency. Since moving to Eugene in May 2014, I have received an emergency food box from our local pantry three times (you know, because people abuse the system).

Here's a look at what we received in yesterday's food box:

Food For Lane County Emergency Food Box

Lots of frozen and dried goods, with some fresh things to supplement

Not only did we receive a lot of really awesome things (two pounds ground chicken, loaf of local wheat bread, cereals, beans, rice, organic local beets, blanched frozen veggies such as corn, green beans, and a mixed veggie, peanut butter, almond butter, Annie's Mac & Cheese, Nancy's Yogurt, pastas, plus snackies, etc, etc), but we also were lucky, because the OSU Extension was at our pantry the other morning giving out free information-- a little cookbook, a couple recipe sheets, and also some information on the a program St. Vincent de Paul offers to people that are on SNAP. 

I've collected additional information to share, unfortunately, living like an artist has made it difficult to find everything. At my local WinCo there is a store map, showing you where everything is laid out-- they offer recipes in their bulk food section, and at the front of the store with coupons attached. I'll be sharing those as soon as I can.

Until then, after putting away the food from the food box, I sat down after looking through the food I have on hand and came up with a few meal ideas for the next few days. We have eggs, cereals, different granola, yogurts, 1% milk and soy milk alongside a few hot cereals-- so that takes care of us for breakfasts for quite sometime. Here are some of the meals we will be able to make thanks to the extra help we got this month:

Bow-tie pasta with Tomato sauce

Pinto Beans and Cornbread

Veggie Stir-fry over brown rice

lentils & barely, roasted beets, and fresh oranges

Bean burritos

10 Bean Soup

White Chicken Enchiladas
Almond Butter Sandwiches, soup, and applesauce

I know it's not tons and tons of ideas-- however, these are the things I am able to make, because of the food I received for free. And, lemme tell you the food we are able to put together from this list aren't bad at all! Mind you, as I purchase things from the grocery store after this coming up weekend the menu will expand, and include other things-- I received my SNAP benefits today, but would like to use what we have in the house first before buying unnecessary things. And, I will continue using the dry things I got yesterday for the remainder of the month, for example, with all the plain yogurt we currently have I know I will be making yogurt cheese, which means homemade smears, and Indian curries in our near future. 

Stir-fry veggies over brown rice with a little sriracha on top

So, so grateful that we were able to make this because of local programs!

Brown Rice
1 cup brown rice to every 1.5 cup water into the rice cooker

Veggie Stir-fry
First I steamed the frozen veggies, then adding it to a non-stick pan with a little fat (evoo, sesame oil, butter, whatever floats your boat). Cook at Medium-High heat for about 5-8 minutes stir every so often. Top with salt and pepper if desired-- I like to put a little sriracha on top.

I hope this helps others in our situation, or similar situations. I will be trying to post recipes as I go along...<3

Adulting For Three: Codependency vs. Family

Once upon a time, someone voiced that she felt Jess and I's relationship was "unhealthy," "not normal," and "codependent."

In my opinion that person didn't know Jess, Ian, the kids, and myself well enough to make that call, however since then there have been a few times Jess has mentioned struggling with the idea of codependency.

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional "helping" relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

The dynamics of The Compound; our home, the place that houses our family, are not normal-- there is no denying that, but I can honestly say that I have never been healthier than when living in that home. And I've never experienced the same level of independence and freedom anywhere else outside of The Compound.

And, I think, the family dynamic we all had (have) living together under one roof provided the support we each needed to be able to pursue our own personal interests, while providing the three babies the love, attention, education, and space to be who they are as well. I think, often times, people don't see the balance in our family, because midwifery is the type of profession that demands, not just our family's backing, but EVERYONE'S.

But, this blog post isn't about midwifery, or the role I play supporting a midwife. This blog post is mostly about how being apart of a functioning family as an adult has improved my life, and has freed me to pursue my own goals, and the ability to be happy without guilt-- and, this is true for each member of our family.

Like I had mentioned in my last blog entry:

"Communal living is a potent and powerful medium for free, creative, experimental, sustainable, ecological, and fulfilling way of life. By pooling together money, creativity, skills, assets, ideas, and resources; and thereby supplying basic needs through communal energies, three are both an abundance of all things available, and an optimization in the efficiency of their use."

But, it's so much more than that once you allow yourself to open your heart and your mind up to the possibility that family isn't just biology and happenstance. And, once you're at that point, it is just a matter of learning that there is no one persons' needs that are more important than another persons'.

I've known Jessica and Ian since 2004, and have lived with them nearly six years out of our eleven year friendship-- it hasn't always been easy, but the solutions to any problems that rear their ugly heads are generally easy to solve; communication. I don't think Jess and Ian could share their home, their kids, food, private time with one another, and so much more with me if we weren't able to talk.

It sounds so simple. Talking. Talking is what has made my best friend so much more than that to me. The three of us have been co-parents; all caring deeply, and loving the three children in our care. The three of us have been able to support our individual interests; Ian's music (off and on), Jess' work, and my hooping-- all while homeschooling three children, raising chickens, rabbits, cats, and our own food.

I think that our friendship has taught each of us a great deal about mental illness in adults-- and how differently it can influence a life. And, it's because of that our children are being raised with great sensitivity and empathy, along side understanding humor, listening, and being able to use their intuition matched with the building blocks of common sense to be allowed the freedom to be silly, and act their age without prematurely growing up, or in the same breath acting like imbecile (meaning, they know how to use their manners while still being 11, 8. and 5).

Once more, even with our current distance, we continue to have that close family connection-- regardless of how much, or how little we call one another. Our kinship may not be "normal," but I think the assumption that it's unhealthy, or codependent is just whack (or jealousy)!

March 2015

May 2011

Ovulation X is love

February 2014

Kieran's 10th birthday

1. 

   Jess and Ian 2013

Adulting For Three: "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction."

Back when I was a student at Lane Community College I took a Writing 122 class, from a professor, who is the sister Oregon's former Governor (it was super cool to me to find out that she had helped write former Governor Kitzhaber's speeches during his 1995 campaign)-- and out of all of my college experiences from 2009/2010 her class still remains to be one of my better experiences. Her first assignment for the class, outside of daily readings, and short essay questions was writing a paper on any subject using rhetoric essay.

At the time, I was missing Jess and Ian and the kids, desperately-- so, I wrote my paper on communal living, excluding my own personal experiences. Here's the essay, and the start of me sharing some of the hard(er), fun, and amazing experience I had while living with my chosen family in a series of blog entries I wanna call Adulting For Three.

“All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God's grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.” –Act 4:32-35

Often, when one thinks of communal living images of free love and psychedelic drugs come to mind. It is thought that communes are something that became extinct with the sixties and seventies. However, many people live communally today in co-ops, eco-villages, co-housing groups, intentional communities, and group marriages. Andrew Jacobs of The New York Times wrote that, contrary to popular misconceptions, "Most communes of the 90's are not free-love refuges for flower children, but well-ordered, financially solvent cooperatives where pragmatics, not psychedelics, rule the day."

Community living is designed to have a much higher degree of teamwork focusing on a common goal; members typically hold common spiritual, social and political views. The purpose of communal living may vary for some; however one commonality is living simply; sharing resources and responsibilities, embracing sustainable life-styles and celebrating family-based ideology. Living in such communities has many advantages to individuals and the wider environment. By rejecting competitiveness and production, and replacing it with unity and cooperative work one is placing an emphasis on friendship and family instead of the need for material goods.

In many cultures, societies and religions there is a distant memory of when humankind lived in a primitive and simple state, one of perfect happiness and fulfillment. There was an instinctive harmony between man and nature. Men’s needs were few and desires were limited, both were satisfied by the abundance provided by nature. Accordingly, there were no motives for war or oppression, nor was there any need for hard and painful work—humans were simple and pious, and felt themselves close to the gods.

This Utopian-theory on life is the premise behind living simply, a lifestyle characterized by only consuming what is required to sustain life. E.F. Schumacher summarized it by saying, “any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.” Communal ideology idealizes social unity and maintains that humanness only exists in intimate and collective life. In these small communities great emphasis is placed on providing a controlled and manipulated environment in which social life may be structured to create the perfect being. In other words, the belief of happiness in the present, or “heaven on earth” underlies the establishment of Utopian communities.

Moreover, communal living is an excellent choice for people who enjoy deep, intimate companionship. An intentional community can be looked at as a “chosen family,” in the respect that it is made up of people who came together intentionally based on commonalities other than biological (or adoptive) accident. Communal living is a remarkably viable means for enriching lives with interpersonal adventures and fun—it can supply a person with the best a family has to offer, a circle of connected, loving co-experiences with whom to share life.

There are practical advantages to communal living as well. Often expense-sharing groups can live more cheaply than a single person can. By sharing responsibilities one is free to experience life, for example traveling; there is always going to be others to water plants, take in mail, pay bills, and keep company to those who stay behind, and so on.

In conclusion, communal living is a social network, the sharing and maximizing of resources will improve greatly the quality of life of an individual as well as the healing of the planet; chances are there is always someone available to look over a final draft, to listen to a cool idea, to take a walk in the sunset with, to fall in love with, to learn and teach something to, and laugh with.

Communal living is a potent and powerful medium for free, creative, experimental, sustainable, ecological, and fulfilling way of life. By pooling together money, creativity, skills, assets, ideas and resources; and thereby supplying basic needs through communal energies, there are both an abundance of all things available, and an optimization in the efficiency of their use.

Cher could change her toothpaste and the gays have a whole Rose parade. How about a Rose parade for Charo, gays?

The other night while I was sitting on the floor with my back straight, up against the sofa, and legs stretched straight in front of me, I moved wrong and my back went out. It came out of no where, Bradford was asleep behind me on the couch as I was wrapping a hula hoop. I yelped, then cried out, and then couldn't stop the tears.

I've been having some on-and-off pain in my back for two weeks straight-- it happens wit my lady issues, back pain has always how cramps manifested themselves as early as 11 with my first period.

It has been an ugly, and awful way to kick off birthday week (I will be 31 on Friday).

Currently, life has been more stressful, and frustrating than anything else, and it's got me depressed. Plus, it's been about three years since I've had doctor instructions to not hoop, and whenever I am told to stay away from the hoop-- the one thing that seeming brings pain relief, outside of narcotics, I get sad.

But, apparently, this is too jarring, so even if it helps soothe lady pains, it will wreak havoc on my sacrum until it's better.

On a positive note, I finally have an in with being able to set myself up with a primary doctor, finally. After I got my insurance, I learned that even though I have good insurance (thanks, Obama), there are so many people trying to find providers that NO ONE IS TAKING NEW PATIENTS.

No one.

In March, when I had to go into the ER for what was either a flare up of Diverticulitis, or a cyst being dickish (Thanks, PCOS), the ER doctor was horribly unkind, didn't listen to me, made me feel uncomfortable, gave me medication I was unsure the use for (I'll take responsibility on this one for not asking more questions, but I also was in pain, and at a point where I was like; 'just gimme something to make me feel better'), and then gave me the name of a follow-up doctor who was male, I knew nothing about, and he decided he'd be my new primary since I didn't have one.

His words were; "this is the primary I am giving you."

You're not gifting me something, I am uncomfortable with, douche. Also, if he had paid any attention during his questions he would have learned that I have a difficult time with male doctors (except for Dr. Schaffer, and Dr. Nance), because of past sexual abuse, rape, and I feel vulnerable from the miscarriages.

The ER doctor yesterday listened to me beautifully. Commented on how well I conduct myself and communicate medical issues, and then when she recommended a follow-up doctor, and SUGGESTED that I might ask the doctor she recommended to be my primary, but the doctor recommended is a local family practice, female doctor I know relatively well, because at one point was my mother's primary care doctor.

So, I am making an appointment with Dr. Katherine Beckstrand, and it's my hopes that this will be the first steps I take to getting myself better. I hope that through seeing a primary I can get set-up with a therapist, get going towards working with endocrinologist, and hopefully just have a better, different take on my wellness.

In the meantime, I spent over four hours on the phone with Jess the other day. We caught each other up on stuff, allowed each other to have brief pity parties-- and, surprisingly enough, having her to complain my first world problems to helped my attitude a lot. Plus, I know that I was a reassuring voice for her in a few things as well.

Moreover, I was able to talk to Jess about some of the things going on as far as Buckleberry Hoops, and KUWS-- I shared the news about my Google Adsense Application being approved, and Jess was super eager to here my ideas for writing topics, and my goals of slowly directing KUWS back to it's main course of action, and treat it a little less like a I am a 12-year-old girl spilling all my woes out, with little else thrown in.

I told Jess about still wanting to write about my experiences as being a secondary spouse to a midwife, I told her about wanting to try and do a better job eating and how maybe writing about my experiences of eating healthy while being on Public Assistance-- showing the things I receive when I need aid from Food For Lane County, and the things I do with my limited SNAP budget. I expressed interest in wanting to put a funny spin about Ian, Jess, and Ian's living situations in the past, and how when you're in the right family, regardless of how that family may look, it is easier to "Adult." And, I want to maybe write about some of the more insensitive things I've heard, or read from my pregnancy losses-- maybe sharing the funnier responses I've had to try and put some humor into a dark subject.

I also want to put a focus back on hooping a little more-- I will be performing at the Festival of Eugene this year, and I am Choreographing my Hoop Dance myself. I kinda want to explore the steps I took putting together my performance, because unlike a lot of what I am seeing as far as performers, I don't have extensive studies in dance, or have a choreographer.

Anyways, I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, or not make good on these goals, but it was really nice talking to my friend, and having her get excited with me over some of the ideas I've been kicking around in my head, and I hope it'll be nice to see these things come to be over time.

Train Your Heart and Mind To See the Good In Everything. There Is Always Something To Be Grateful For.

Ever since the methotrexate last year, every lady-cycle is like it was back in 2007/2008.

It hasn't been an easy, or fun road, but I am an avid believer that being idle won't fix anything. Unfortunately, like I've mentioned in previous posts, it hasn't been until the last several years that I have been able to find good online sources to help with support and education with my condition.

Prior to that it was always lose weight, without any explanation on how one can lose weight while suffering from a condition that not only makes it difficult to take off weight, but also makes you gain weight explanation.

I've mentioned being at a loss until finding hula hooping, which taught me a great deal about pain management, and how after a while with it, and the help of MyFitnessPal I took off a lot of weight (at my heaviest back in 2007/2008 I was at/over 300 pounds-- no one knows for sure, if you stay clear of scales).

However, ever since the methotrexate injections the pain hasn't been manageable. And, for someone who doesn't like to sit completely idle, it's awful, and it brings on depression. I hate not being able to function normally. It makes me angry.

My sister, Hayley, wrote this article about Invisible Illness for the Northern Star a few years ago. Sometimes looking at my younger sister's struggle have similarities to mine makes me feel less alone, and gives me strength. That's kinda what a lot of the online support does for me. It makes me feel less bad about being broken.

Today, I am trying desperately hard to move away from the anger, move away (metaphorically) from the pain, and try to focus on other stuff-- more specifically, I am going to focus on stuff I can/need to do that I can do while staying put.

Essentially, today I am going to call-in (I already asked a co-worker if he would be able to cover me if I ended up calling in, and he said he would be available. I am SO, so grateful), I am going to practice some stretching, and yoga poses to try and ease some of this. I will get in meditation, and some breathing exercise and also practice the Leg/Wall Pose, before doing a long, hot soak.

Afterwards, I plan on putting my organization/creative skills to work, and working on some of the following hoop related things I need to get done: I have a hoop I need to finish wrapping, I want to take nice(r) quality pictures of the hoops I currently have on hand to get posted to Buckleberry Hoops' Facebook page so I can hopefully sell some of the hoops I have on hand. I want to make a realistic list of things to do, and start organizing the Flow Jam event Buckleberry Hoops is hosting with the Eugene Hoopery a little better so that Stephanie and I can make a decent, fun thing happen on June 6th.

I hope some intense self-care, and getting a bunch of 'To Dos' taken care of I never want to do (because who wants to sit at a computer all day when you're working five days a week?), I'll feel better. I want to care for myself so on Friday I'll have a good attitude for work, and I am hoping with a little effort I can sell a few hoops, and then start work on the Hoop Jam.

I will go anywhere as long as it's forward. --David Livingston

I feel like it's important to mention that as I write this Bill Nye the Science Guy is playing on Netflix. I am so grateful that it's available to watch.

Today was a bad pain day. Just awful. I am really babying myself, and Bradford is pretty much being my super Bradford-bear by being freaking awesome. He's fixed all the meals today, cleaned the house, has been my chauffeur, baked things, and has been present for comfort by holding me when warranted, and massaging aches and pains as they arrive.

When I left work I was in tears. Hell, the tears started while I was at work and I realized that I am in the kitchen, and since there is no one around-- no customers, coworkers, or otherwise-- I can just cry.

My eyes swelled and spilled over as I platted cookies, and prepped a few more things for the salad bar-- emotions were high for me as I took things more personally than I normally do, and situations and people felt condescending-- which was made even more frustrating, because the first thing I told the opening manager was; "hey, I am having a really bad pain day."

It sucks, because at my job there is no telling how busy things will be-- so, if I decide to "work through it" there is no guarantee of an easier time.

It sucks.

I don't really want to focus the entirety of this entry with ramblings of how hard some days are so, I am going to continue and keep this light.

Well, yesterday wasn't as bad as far as pain management. And, since Bradford and I celebrated 11 months since our first date on Monday it was a good a day as any to do a little adventuring. We started by heading outta town on the back roads towards Clear Lake Road, we went through Alvadore and made it to Highway 36.

Once on the windy road of the Lower Pass we headed toward Triangle Lake-- I showed Bradford where my younger brother got married, where we camped as a family, and Amanda, Devon and I all went swimming. We then parked at the little turnout just outside of the town Triangle Lake and continued our way to the "rock slides,' or Lake Creek Falls.

Lake Creek Falls is an incredible place-- it's a fish ladder, and in the Fall you can see salmon just sitting in the very clear water. Plus, everything is smooth, and as you travel with the flow of water at the bottom there is an incredible swimming hole (we did NOT go swimming).

Anyways, I've been wanting to take Bradford out there, so it was a nice little change of pace. From there we continued on Highway 36 through Swisshome and onto Mapleton. From there we continued our adventure by hopping onto 126, going over the Suislaw River Bridge and going up Sweet Creek.

I had never been to Sweet Creek Falls before, and we didn't want to do the WHOLE hike, because we figured we would be back (hopefully, with the Ten Eyck's), and would want to experience the hike from the first Trailhead.

Nevertheless, we had a spectacular time walking along the little path on the forest floor, along the creek. We saw pretty snails that popped with color. There were Banana Slugs. And, we saw several millipedes (they produce cyanide, btw).

Everything was new, and exciting-- made even better by Bradford's excitement, and smiles.