Adulting For Three: Codependency vs. Family

Once upon a time, someone voiced that she felt Jess and I's relationship was "unhealthy," "not normal," and "codependent."

In my opinion that person didn't know Jess, Ian, the kids, and myself well enough to make that call, however since then there have been a few times Jess has mentioned struggling with the idea of codependency.

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional "helping" relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

The dynamics of The Compound; our home, the place that houses our family, are not normal-- there is no denying that, but I can honestly say that I have never been healthier than when living in that home. And I've never experienced the same level of independence and freedom anywhere else outside of The Compound.

And, I think, the family dynamic we all had (have) living together under one roof provided the support we each needed to be able to pursue our own personal interests, while providing the three babies the love, attention, education, and space to be who they are as well. I think, often times, people don't see the balance in our family, because midwifery is the type of profession that demands, not just our family's backing, but EVERYONE'S.

But, this blog post isn't about midwifery, or the role I play supporting a midwife. This blog post is mostly about how being apart of a functioning family as an adult has improved my life, and has freed me to pursue my own goals, and the ability to be happy without guilt-- and, this is true for each member of our family.

Like I had mentioned in my last blog entry:

"Communal living is a potent and powerful medium for free, creative, experimental, sustainable, ecological, and fulfilling way of life. By pooling together money, creativity, skills, assets, ideas, and resources; and thereby supplying basic needs through communal energies, three are both an abundance of all things available, and an optimization in the efficiency of their use."

But, it's so much more than that once you allow yourself to open your heart and your mind up to the possibility that family isn't just biology and happenstance. And, once you're at that point, it is just a matter of learning that there is no one persons' needs that are more important than another persons'.

I've known Jessica and Ian since 2004, and have lived with them nearly six years out of our eleven year friendship-- it hasn't always been easy, but the solutions to any problems that rear their ugly heads are generally easy to solve; communication. I don't think Jess and Ian could share their home, their kids, food, private time with one another, and so much more with me if we weren't able to talk.

It sounds so simple. Talking. Talking is what has made my best friend so much more than that to me. The three of us have been co-parents; all caring deeply, and loving the three children in our care. The three of us have been able to support our individual interests; Ian's music (off and on), Jess' work, and my hooping-- all while homeschooling three children, raising chickens, rabbits, cats, and our own food.

I think that our friendship has taught each of us a great deal about mental illness in adults-- and how differently it can influence a life. And, it's because of that our children are being raised with great sensitivity and empathy, along side understanding humor, listening, and being able to use their intuition matched with the building blocks of common sense to be allowed the freedom to be silly, and act their age without prematurely growing up, or in the same breath acting like imbecile (meaning, they know how to use their manners while still being 11, 8. and 5).

Once more, even with our current distance, we continue to have that close family connection-- regardless of how much, or how little we call one another. Our kinship may not be "normal," but I think the assumption that it's unhealthy, or codependent is just whack (or jealousy)!

March 2015

May 2011

Ovulation X is love

February 2014

Kieran's 10th birthday

1. 

   Jess and Ian 2013

Adulting For Three: "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction."

Back when I was a student at Lane Community College I took a Writing 122 class, from a professor, who is the sister Oregon's former Governor (it was super cool to me to find out that she had helped write former Governor Kitzhaber's speeches during his 1995 campaign)-- and out of all of my college experiences from 2009/2010 her class still remains to be one of my better experiences. Her first assignment for the class, outside of daily readings, and short essay questions was writing a paper on any subject using rhetoric essay.

At the time, I was missing Jess and Ian and the kids, desperately-- so, I wrote my paper on communal living, excluding my own personal experiences. Here's the essay, and the start of me sharing some of the hard(er), fun, and amazing experience I had while living with my chosen family in a series of blog entries I wanna call Adulting For Three.

“All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God's grace was so powerfully at work in them all that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need.” –Act 4:32-35

Often, when one thinks of communal living images of free love and psychedelic drugs come to mind. It is thought that communes are something that became extinct with the sixties and seventies. However, many people live communally today in co-ops, eco-villages, co-housing groups, intentional communities, and group marriages. Andrew Jacobs of The New York Times wrote that, contrary to popular misconceptions, "Most communes of the 90's are not free-love refuges for flower children, but well-ordered, financially solvent cooperatives where pragmatics, not psychedelics, rule the day."

Community living is designed to have a much higher degree of teamwork focusing on a common goal; members typically hold common spiritual, social and political views. The purpose of communal living may vary for some; however one commonality is living simply; sharing resources and responsibilities, embracing sustainable life-styles and celebrating family-based ideology. Living in such communities has many advantages to individuals and the wider environment. By rejecting competitiveness and production, and replacing it with unity and cooperative work one is placing an emphasis on friendship and family instead of the need for material goods.

In many cultures, societies and religions there is a distant memory of when humankind lived in a primitive and simple state, one of perfect happiness and fulfillment. There was an instinctive harmony between man and nature. Men’s needs were few and desires were limited, both were satisfied by the abundance provided by nature. Accordingly, there were no motives for war or oppression, nor was there any need for hard and painful work—humans were simple and pious, and felt themselves close to the gods.

This Utopian-theory on life is the premise behind living simply, a lifestyle characterized by only consuming what is required to sustain life. E.F. Schumacher summarized it by saying, “any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.” Communal ideology idealizes social unity and maintains that humanness only exists in intimate and collective life. In these small communities great emphasis is placed on providing a controlled and manipulated environment in which social life may be structured to create the perfect being. In other words, the belief of happiness in the present, or “heaven on earth” underlies the establishment of Utopian communities.

Moreover, communal living is an excellent choice for people who enjoy deep, intimate companionship. An intentional community can be looked at as a “chosen family,” in the respect that it is made up of people who came together intentionally based on commonalities other than biological (or adoptive) accident. Communal living is a remarkably viable means for enriching lives with interpersonal adventures and fun—it can supply a person with the best a family has to offer, a circle of connected, loving co-experiences with whom to share life.

There are practical advantages to communal living as well. Often expense-sharing groups can live more cheaply than a single person can. By sharing responsibilities one is free to experience life, for example traveling; there is always going to be others to water plants, take in mail, pay bills, and keep company to those who stay behind, and so on.

In conclusion, communal living is a social network, the sharing and maximizing of resources will improve greatly the quality of life of an individual as well as the healing of the planet; chances are there is always someone available to look over a final draft, to listen to a cool idea, to take a walk in the sunset with, to fall in love with, to learn and teach something to, and laugh with.

Communal living is a potent and powerful medium for free, creative, experimental, sustainable, ecological, and fulfilling way of life. By pooling together money, creativity, skills, assets, ideas and resources; and thereby supplying basic needs through communal energies, there are both an abundance of all things available, and an optimization in the efficiency of their use.

Cher could change her toothpaste and the gays have a whole Rose parade. How about a Rose parade for Charo, gays?

The other night while I was sitting on the floor with my back straight, up against the sofa, and legs stretched straight in front of me, I moved wrong and my back went out. It came out of no where, Bradford was asleep behind me on the couch as I was wrapping a hula hoop. I yelped, then cried out, and then couldn't stop the tears.

I've been having some on-and-off pain in my back for two weeks straight-- it happens wit my lady issues, back pain has always how cramps manifested themselves as early as 11 with my first period.

It has been an ugly, and awful way to kick off birthday week (I will be 31 on Friday).

Currently, life has been more stressful, and frustrating than anything else, and it's got me depressed. Plus, it's been about three years since I've had doctor instructions to not hoop, and whenever I am told to stay away from the hoop-- the one thing that seeming brings pain relief, outside of narcotics, I get sad.

But, apparently, this is too jarring, so even if it helps soothe lady pains, it will wreak havoc on my sacrum until it's better.

On a positive note, I finally have an in with being able to set myself up with a primary doctor, finally. After I got my insurance, I learned that even though I have good insurance (thanks, Obama), there are so many people trying to find providers that NO ONE IS TAKING NEW PATIENTS.

No one.

In March, when I had to go into the ER for what was either a flare up of Diverticulitis, or a cyst being dickish (Thanks, PCOS), the ER doctor was horribly unkind, didn't listen to me, made me feel uncomfortable, gave me medication I was unsure the use for (I'll take responsibility on this one for not asking more questions, but I also was in pain, and at a point where I was like; 'just gimme something to make me feel better'), and then gave me the name of a follow-up doctor who was male, I knew nothing about, and he decided he'd be my new primary since I didn't have one.

His words were; "this is the primary I am giving you."

You're not gifting me something, I am uncomfortable with, douche. Also, if he had paid any attention during his questions he would have learned that I have a difficult time with male doctors (except for Dr. Schaffer, and Dr. Nance), because of past sexual abuse, rape, and I feel vulnerable from the miscarriages.

The ER doctor yesterday listened to me beautifully. Commented on how well I conduct myself and communicate medical issues, and then when she recommended a follow-up doctor, and SUGGESTED that I might ask the doctor she recommended to be my primary, but the doctor recommended is a local family practice, female doctor I know relatively well, because at one point was my mother's primary care doctor.

So, I am making an appointment with Dr. Katherine Beckstrand, and it's my hopes that this will be the first steps I take to getting myself better. I hope that through seeing a primary I can get set-up with a therapist, get going towards working with endocrinologist, and hopefully just have a better, different take on my wellness.

In the meantime, I spent over four hours on the phone with Jess the other day. We caught each other up on stuff, allowed each other to have brief pity parties-- and, surprisingly enough, having her to complain my first world problems to helped my attitude a lot. Plus, I know that I was a reassuring voice for her in a few things as well.

Moreover, I was able to talk to Jess about some of the things going on as far as Buckleberry Hoops, and KUWS-- I shared the news about my Google Adsense Application being approved, and Jess was super eager to here my ideas for writing topics, and my goals of slowly directing KUWS back to it's main course of action, and treat it a little less like a I am a 12-year-old girl spilling all my woes out, with little else thrown in.

I told Jess about still wanting to write about my experiences as being a secondary spouse to a midwife, I told her about wanting to try and do a better job eating and how maybe writing about my experiences of eating healthy while being on Public Assistance-- showing the things I receive when I need aid from Food For Lane County, and the things I do with my limited SNAP budget. I expressed interest in wanting to put a funny spin about Ian, Jess, and Ian's living situations in the past, and how when you're in the right family, regardless of how that family may look, it is easier to "Adult." And, I want to maybe write about some of the more insensitive things I've heard, or read from my pregnancy losses-- maybe sharing the funnier responses I've had to try and put some humor into a dark subject.

I also want to put a focus back on hooping a little more-- I will be performing at the Festival of Eugene this year, and I am Choreographing my Hoop Dance myself. I kinda want to explore the steps I took putting together my performance, because unlike a lot of what I am seeing as far as performers, I don't have extensive studies in dance, or have a choreographer.

Anyways, I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, or not make good on these goals, but it was really nice talking to my friend, and having her get excited with me over some of the ideas I've been kicking around in my head, and I hope it'll be nice to see these things come to be over time.

Train Your Heart and Mind To See the Good In Everything. There Is Always Something To Be Grateful For.

Ever since the methotrexate last year, every lady-cycle is like it was back in 2007/2008.

It hasn't been an easy, or fun road, but I am an avid believer that being idle won't fix anything. Unfortunately, like I've mentioned in previous posts, it hasn't been until the last several years that I have been able to find good online sources to help with support and education with my condition.

Prior to that it was always lose weight, without any explanation on how one can lose weight while suffering from a condition that not only makes it difficult to take off weight, but also makes you gain weight explanation.

I've mentioned being at a loss until finding hula hooping, which taught me a great deal about pain management, and how after a while with it, and the help of MyFitnessPal I took off a lot of weight (at my heaviest back in 2007/2008 I was at/over 300 pounds-- no one knows for sure, if you stay clear of scales).

However, ever since the methotrexate injections the pain hasn't been manageable. And, for someone who doesn't like to sit completely idle, it's awful, and it brings on depression. I hate not being able to function normally. It makes me angry.

My sister, Hayley, wrote this article about Invisible Illness for the Northern Star a few years ago. Sometimes looking at my younger sister's struggle have similarities to mine makes me feel less alone, and gives me strength. That's kinda what a lot of the online support does for me. It makes me feel less bad about being broken.

Today, I am trying desperately hard to move away from the anger, move away (metaphorically) from the pain, and try to focus on other stuff-- more specifically, I am going to focus on stuff I can/need to do that I can do while staying put.

Essentially, today I am going to call-in (I already asked a co-worker if he would be able to cover me if I ended up calling in, and he said he would be available. I am SO, so grateful), I am going to practice some stretching, and yoga poses to try and ease some of this. I will get in meditation, and some breathing exercise and also practice the Leg/Wall Pose, before doing a long, hot soak.

Afterwards, I plan on putting my organization/creative skills to work, and working on some of the following hoop related things I need to get done: I have a hoop I need to finish wrapping, I want to take nice(r) quality pictures of the hoops I currently have on hand to get posted to Buckleberry Hoops' Facebook page so I can hopefully sell some of the hoops I have on hand. I want to make a realistic list of things to do, and start organizing the Flow Jam event Buckleberry Hoops is hosting with the Eugene Hoopery a little better so that Stephanie and I can make a decent, fun thing happen on June 6th.

I hope some intense self-care, and getting a bunch of 'To Dos' taken care of I never want to do (because who wants to sit at a computer all day when you're working five days a week?), I'll feel better. I want to care for myself so on Friday I'll have a good attitude for work, and I am hoping with a little effort I can sell a few hoops, and then start work on the Hoop Jam.

I will go anywhere as long as it's forward. --David Livingston

I feel like it's important to mention that as I write this Bill Nye the Science Guy is playing on Netflix. I am so grateful that it's available to watch.

Today was a bad pain day. Just awful. I am really babying myself, and Bradford is pretty much being my super Bradford-bear by being freaking awesome. He's fixed all the meals today, cleaned the house, has been my chauffeur, baked things, and has been present for comfort by holding me when warranted, and massaging aches and pains as they arrive.

When I left work I was in tears. Hell, the tears started while I was at work and I realized that I am in the kitchen, and since there is no one around-- no customers, coworkers, or otherwise-- I can just cry.

My eyes swelled and spilled over as I platted cookies, and prepped a few more things for the salad bar-- emotions were high for me as I took things more personally than I normally do, and situations and people felt condescending-- which was made even more frustrating, because the first thing I told the opening manager was; "hey, I am having a really bad pain day."

It sucks, because at my job there is no telling how busy things will be-- so, if I decide to "work through it" there is no guarantee of an easier time.

It sucks.

I don't really want to focus the entirety of this entry with ramblings of how hard some days are so, I am going to continue and keep this light.

Well, yesterday wasn't as bad as far as pain management. And, since Bradford and I celebrated 11 months since our first date on Monday it was a good a day as any to do a little adventuring. We started by heading outta town on the back roads towards Clear Lake Road, we went through Alvadore and made it to Highway 36.

Once on the windy road of the Lower Pass we headed toward Triangle Lake-- I showed Bradford where my younger brother got married, where we camped as a family, and Amanda, Devon and I all went swimming. We then parked at the little turnout just outside of the town Triangle Lake and continued our way to the "rock slides,' or Lake Creek Falls.

Lake Creek Falls is an incredible place-- it's a fish ladder, and in the Fall you can see salmon just sitting in the very clear water. Plus, everything is smooth, and as you travel with the flow of water at the bottom there is an incredible swimming hole (we did NOT go swimming).

Anyways, I've been wanting to take Bradford out there, so it was a nice little change of pace. From there we continued on Highway 36 through Swisshome and onto Mapleton. From there we continued our adventure by hopping onto 126, going over the Suislaw River Bridge and going up Sweet Creek.

I had never been to Sweet Creek Falls before, and we didn't want to do the WHOLE hike, because we figured we would be back (hopefully, with the Ten Eyck's), and would want to experience the hike from the first Trailhead.

Nevertheless, we had a spectacular time walking along the little path on the forest floor, along the creek. We saw pretty snails that popped with color. There were Banana Slugs. And, we saw several millipedes (they produce cyanide, btw).

Everything was new, and exciting-- made even better by Bradford's excitement, and smiles.

"Oh, lady, running down to the riptide, taken away to the darkside-- I wanna be your left hand man."

I survived. It was hard for a variety of reasons, Mother's Day, but I am grateful, because I learned a lot, and came to a few realizations that I don't think I would have came to if it weren't for Sunday's struggles.

Other than that, my feelings can be summed up with; it is easier to be strong when you have someone to be strong for-- even though I know I am enough, I am really missing Jess, Ian, and the kids. Sometimes, having two other people around to be a team with helps tremendously-- I am missing co-parenting. I am missing the children. I am missing being more than just two.

Anyways, I've been really focusing myself on work, and hooping lately. I've been trying to balance my time as much as possible, and Bradford and I are even working on putting together a functional office area to be able to manage Buckleberry Hoops a little better.

It is my hopes that we will be able to put the right amount of effort into the little hoop shop that once we are in Corvallis we are stable enough for the move-- even though Buckleberry survived the move from SLC to Eugene it has been difficult to keep up the same momentum I once had.

Not having dedicated work space, dance space, and not having the same level of support when I first arrived in Oregon that I had, business wise, in Utah has made me change things up, and it's my hopes that a positive summer, full of art, hiking, camping, hooping, picture taking, cooking-- all while working, putting forth the effort to help Buckleberry succeed once relocated in the Linn/Benton area, maybe there won't be as much of a hard time.

To kick off the summer I am hosting a Hoop Jam on Saturday, June 6th with a fellow Eugene Hooper. We are both going to have hoops ready to sell during the jam, hopefully we'll have some extra hoops to play with at the Jam, I am hoping to be able to finally make a Tandem Hoop (a two person hoop), and we'll be raffling off a couple of hula hoops.

It should be really fun, and way better than last year's failed attempt to host a jam.

Other than that I am really trying to challenge myself with different festival ideas. I am hoping to sit down and write out of a list of at least 4 different summer festivals I want to either SELL hoops at, or PERFORM at. I am actually finishing my application for the Festival of Eugene 2015, where I am applying to perform at on one of the three days the Festival is going.

In addition to that on Friday Skye, Keith,Juju, Bradford and I are going hiking up at Allsea Falls (weather, and my job allowing), and we'll get some more video of me hooping. I am getting really stoked for the next video with Radiance Photographics, and I am looking forward to the next photoshoot-- Keith, has mentioned getting some LED pictures in their studio space.

All this activities planning, and future art making has me smiling. I dunno. I guess focusing on spinning in circles is making my life better. Like always.

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." --Vicki Harrison

At the end of the day it's been a week since my mom left her Earthly body, and started her new journey. It's been a really, really weird week.

It's like being in a fog-- everything I do has an air of sadness about it. Everyone's advice sounds cliche and trite; I assure you, I know that time is the only thing that is going to put things right again, even though things will never quite be right again.

I have had a couple of comments posted to me on social media about my mother and I's relationship, which has been hard, but I just delete it. MY PERSONAL  RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS. I know that's hard to understand, because I do share so much of myself online, however you'll note that I don't share my personal relationship, or experiences I had with my mom. I really keep that part of myself separate from my online life, and to think that my mom didn't have a profound influence in even my daily activities is absurd.

I feel like this shouldn't need explaining-- it is weird how many people have given me/gave me unsolicited advice on our situation (unsolicited meaning if I don't see/speak to you at least 4 times a month, or our interactions are limited to Facebook then I probably am not seeking your advice, or care to know your opinion).

Anyways, my composure on the subject hasn't balanced in the last week, clearly.

Bradford and I have had a lot of good talks in the wake of my mother's recent passing--he's been a true pillar of strength, going through his own mother's death in Fall '11. Moreover, Bradford has been going through his own stuff, 15 days ago he was laid off, and even though we've been trying to focus on things in a positive light it's naive to think that we are anything less than stressed out.

Especially since it's hard going to work for me right now, and being upbeat and positive-- it doesn't help that I absolutely love my job, but feel under appreciated and I am not getting the hours I need to not only support myself, but I can't even fathom how I can even begin to be of some help to Bradford.

However, after much discussion I think Bradford and I have a plan to help our current situation. A week ago, Bradford received a letter from Worksource Oregon Employment Department stating that he is eligible to apply for the Self Employment Assistance Program (SEA). The benefit of the program is to allow a person to concentrate full-time on a personal business venture while not having to worry about conducting a weekly work search, and still receive UI benefits.

In short, Bradford would get paid to help focus on Buckleberry Hoops and do some of the things I've been wanting to do for years, and haven't been able to. Buckleberry was found on July 6, 2012, and was mainly formed as a next natural step in my hooping journey, and though I feel like I've been allotted opportunities to expand on my business, grow as a hooper, and educate myself I haven't been allotted the time. Now, Bradford and I have the time to really focus on making Buckleberry a more full-time career.

I am excited, because we've already started conceptualizing our website, I talked to my good friend that does design work, and she'll be making up our business cards, and on top of the website, and business cards I also have Radiance Photographics permission to use images for the website.

Also, speaking of excitement, on Friday I am donating two hoops to two local schools (a drawing will be done Thursday to determine who wins said hoops), and in July Buckleberry Hoops is donating three hoops to The Lane County Fair as prizes for juvenile winners of the photography contest at the Photography Exhibit.

I guess, that in light of some hard times, we are still working hard, and dreaming, and laying the ground work for something positive. I plan on finishing the Hooping with Kids Hoop Teacher Training Course, I have compiled a list of services for the website/business plan focusing on the following; hoop classes, hoop jams, private lessons, custom hula hoops for kids and adults, performances, hoop making workshops, birthday parties, corporate event entertainment and more-- it's my hope that after three years of making hoops at home that Bradford and I can start taking the steps to get us to the next level and make us a legitimate business.

I am ebbing, flowing, and swimming like a true Oregon Duck-- gliding across the water, gracefully, as I work below the surface, tirelessly.

Flow.

all the flowers that u planted, mama, in the back yard all died when u went away I know that living with u baby was sometimes hard but I'm willing to give it another try

My biological mother, my first friend, and the biggest influence on my life passed away Wednesday, April 22, 2015 at 7:15 in the evening. She was home with her husband, my step-dad, Matt, and my younger brother-- and, I am sure there were other people with her as well.

My brother, Andrew, called me shortly after she took her last breath. It was hard news, but not unexpected. 

It's weird how that evening played out-- I had spent my morning having a lot of strong, overwhelming feelings about my mom, and all day long I started thinking about what I first thought when my brother, Trevor, had originally called me with the news of my mother's failing health. 

I started thinking about how my mom wasn't going to make it to April 24th. Later in the evening, Bradford and I were sitting on the couch, playing video games, horsing around and I started singing George Michael's Faith, out of nowhere, from beginning to end. It was an anthem from my childhood, as my mom really loved George Michael, her favorite album when I was small was Faith, and I remember singing that song a lot with her when I was very little.

Five minutes after I was finished singing I got the call, and since then I have been feeling the emotions as my days have started to stretch on for eternity, and even though we had an absent relationship the last few years of my mom's life, I still, even now cannot imagine the world moving on without her color.

Since then I continue to struggle to wrap my mind around this loss. It's there. It's reality. It's fact. It won't change. My mama doesn't exist anymore. She only lives on in our memories, thoughts, and feelings now.

Our first meeting: May 29, 1984 in Eugene, Oregon

Our last picture (I think) taken together: April 21, 2010

And, so far my feelings keep telling me to play Sinead O'Connor singing Prince. When Sinead covered Nothing Compares 2 U she has been quoted saying she was reliving the hurt she felt from her mother's passing, and the agony of their tumultuous relationship.

I can relate to that. 

Today is harder than yesterday. I miss her, and have missed her, but I refuse to let anyone make me feel bad, or guilty about her. I loved my mama more than anything, and anyone in my life knows what a profound influence she had on my life.

And, as I struggle with coping with this loss I am going to be grateful. I am grateful that my mom will no longer struggle with her many ailments. I am grateful for siblings a phone call away. I am grateful for my dad, and his kind, thoughtful words of love and support-- I don't think I could adult right now if it weren't for knowing that he's a phone call away, and I get to visit my dad and mom in South Carolina so, so soon.

I am grateful that I have Keith Green songs to sing methodically in head to bring calm and peace-- even in not being Christian it reminds me of her being calm. I have good memories of my mom, and the knowledge that she loved me completely, always had grandiose ideas and hopes of me, she encouraged and fostered in me great empathy and taught me to love and care to a fault. I am grateful that I have an eclectic style and my taste in things from my music to my daily mannerisms are all her.

"Life's not a song.
Life isn't bliss, life is just this, it's living.
You'll get along.

The pain that you feel, you only can heal by living.
You have to go on living.
So one of us is living.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

Thai Red Curry Recipe

Nom, nom!

So, this post is for my friend, Emily, requesting the recipe I follow for Thai Red Curry, and some pointers. I actually follow a pretty basic recipe, the one found on the back of the red curry paste I buy, with a few tweaks. 

However, first off, rice. It seems so many of my friends have no clue how to properly make rice (no judgment, I never had instant rice until I was like 15). And, when I say "properly" make rice, I don't mean buy an expensive rice cooker, what I really mean is buying, washing, soaking, cooking.

I was raised on Jasmine Rice, and honestly I had no clue there was anything else other than that until I was much older. My dad says that I am exaggerating when I say that one of my daily chores from seven on was washing rice, and as I got older I would have notes; "Sarah, wash some rice-- have that done by _____ time." Always allowing for a soaking period before cooking it for supper.

Whenever I am cooking something for dinner that also requires rice I always start the cooking venture off by washing my rice in cold water; repeatedly rinsing the rice until the water is clear, and no longer murky. Once the rice has been washed, I let it soak for at least one hour (if not longer) before cooking.

As far as a "followed recipe" while rice cooking, in my world there is no such thing-- I eye-ball it, and have never had any troubles. I imagine there is a recipe online that you can follow, but here are my tips; use cold water, let it soak, Jasmine rice takes only about eighteen/twenty minutes to cook to perfection, the ratio of rice: water is about 1: 1.5, bring your rice to a boil at first then give it a stir turn it down to medium-low/low and cover the remainder of the cooking time.

Now, Red Thai Curry goodness:

Ingredients:

1 Tablespoon coconut oil
1 Tablespoon Red Curry Past (use more for spicier flavor, but not too much)
1 can Coconut Milk
1 Tablespoon Bragg's Liquid Aminos
ginger, garlic, cayenne-- to taste
1 to 3 Chicken Boobs (I usually grill the chicken, and then add it at the very end)
1 Red Bell Pepper
1/2 cup sugar snap peas (trimmed)
1/2 cup fresh steamed broccoli (I steam mine before cooking since I have a sensitive stomach)
1 carrot cut into strips, finely
4 green onion, julienne
1/4 Basil, ribboned
1 lime
kosher salt

Directions: HEAT 1/2 oil in a saucepan on medium heat. Add curry paste; stir fry 1 to 1 1/2 minutes or until fragrant. Add coconut milk and bring to simmer on medium-high heat. Stir in Bragg's, and if you desire some ginger, garlic and cayenne-- I usually do tons of garlic and ginger, but haven't been using cayenne, because my stomach has been sensitive to too much spice. I usually turn down the heat on this, and let it simmer for some time-- this does cause some of a reduction, but this curry isn't particularly soupy (if you want a soupier curry add in 1/2 cup chicken stock). I sometimes forget about it for even an hour...It's fine, just stir the sauce from time to time.

When you're getting hungry start your rice, and get a medium pan out, add the other 1/2 Tablespoon coconut oil, and start stir-frying the veggies. Add your grilled chicken to the vegetables; simmer 5 minutes or until vegetables are tender-crisp. Add in the curry sauce, and stir in basil. I then usually juice half a lime over the curry, and give it another good stir before topping with fresh green onions and lime slices and turning off the heat.

I serve the deliciousness over Jasmine rice, obviously. :)

Chocolate Hazelnut Butter Cookies

This post is for my friend, Julianne, I promised it days ago, and finally have the time to get it done. This cookie recipe is simple, easy, and lots of fun to play around with-- I've added chopped Hazelnuts with mini dark chocolate chips before, I've rolled the cookie dough balls in powder sugar before baking, I've done Hershey Chocolate Kisses, and have always enjoyed these little suckers! 

Chocolate Hazelnut Butter Cookies

Ingredients

·         1¾ cups flour

·         1 teaspoon baking soda

·         ½ teaspoon salt

·         ½ cup sugar

·         ½ cup firmly packed light brown sugar

·         ½ cup butter, softened

·         ½ cup chocolate hazelnut butter (Justin's brand for everyday cookies, and use Nutella for when I am making cookies with a weed butter base)

·         1 egg

·         2 tablespoons milk

·         1 teaspoon vanilla extract

·         parchment paper for lining cookie sheets for easy cleanup

Instructions

1.      Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2.      Mix flour, baking soda and salt in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl until creamy. Add egg then milk one at a time, beating well after each addition. Gradually beat in flour mixture. 

3.      Shape dough into balls.

4.      Place on top of parchment paper on cookie sheets.

5.      Cook for 10-12 minutes.

6.      Makes about 4 dozen cookies.