But, I've got this.
The difference between me now, and me last May is I know that through continuous hard-work, dedication, and consistency I have the strength and courage to continue pursuing my happiness-- or hoopiness, in my case. And, instead of me fixating on the things I feel I'm failing at currently (ie I am beating myself up for falling into old habits), I want to celebrate where I've been, how far I've come, feel proud of myself, and then fix my current attitude by making a plan, executing and sticking with it.
On February 1st this happened:
"I am OFFICIALLY more than 100lbs lighter than I was the day I left Josh. I know that some of you may be thinking to yourself; "you left Josh almost 5 years ago. What took you so long?"
Here's my answer:
When I left him there were so many more things wrong with me than just merely my size; my confidence was gone, I was messed-up sexually for a long time, I was angry, my BP has incredibly high for a 45 year-old man and I was 24 when I left, I was told there was a possibility that I would never have children that were biologically mine (I heard this at a doctors appointment about 5 months before I left). I had uncontrollable rage (that got worse after my biological father passed away), I was diagnosed with PCOS, and after I left and he told me I couldn't talk to my boys anymore I started showing symptoms of something else (that I thought was pelvic pain from the PCOS), and 10/11 months after I had left I was diagnosed with Diverticulitis.
And my healing process took some time. I am STILL healing. I spent nearly 5 months on O'ahu before Jessica brought me home to The Compound-- I think of that time on O'ahu now as a barrier that drove me out. I needed that Pacific Ocean to ensure I would not go back (like I had before). And, when I tried to go home to Oregon I was having constant panic (way more than I like to admit, but something that is so clear to me now).
Granted, I know my weight issues were not all Josh-caused-- I have never been a slight woman. I'm solid, and strong...and yes, over-weight. But, in the three years I was with him I became morbidly obese. And, I had him everyday telling me that NO ONE would EVER love me like he did. He even told me that my parents didn't really love me, and he made me feel like I should be grateful to him because despite the fact that I was so unlovable he apparently did. Yet he was mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive towards me.
In my journey (which is not yet over) I've hurt a lot of people, because of the hurt I was feeling that someone else put there. I've been mean. I've been unjust, and unkind. And to be completely frank there were times after Cash died I really was unlovable-- but, I know I am strong and a person of good character, because I am trying so hard to fix myself so I can someday not just say I'm sorry to those I have hurt along the way, but show those people that have gotten me here that I am sorry.
And, I am so grateful. I am so grateful that I still love those two little boys with all of my heart-- without that love I wouldn't have gotten a 4.0 my last two terms at Lane, I would never have been that brave and flew over the ocean to begin with if it weren't for the love I feel for those boys. I wouldn't know that love like this existed if it weren't for them, and every day I look at their pictures in my room and it pushes me forward. I want to be a good healthy example for them, because they've been the best thing that has ever happened to me still.
Anyways, 4 years later (almost 5) I am still pushing forward. I am a 100lbs lighter. I am living proof that if you wanna fly you gotta let go of the shit weighing you down."
I am 57 lbs lighter than I was when I turned 28-- I have been changing and moving forward since 2008, and I had an awakening in the last eight months. I am strong. I know my worth. I am looking forward to celebrating my 29th trip around the sun, and ending my twenties a better person than when I started them.
I think for now I am going to go to sleep, think about my next blog (I have a couple ideas floating around in my head), and start fresh tomorrow. I can't beat myself up, all I can do is stop making such bad decisions. And, my first good, healthy decision of the new week is going to bed before 11pm.
Sleep well, sweet-world.
Granted, I know my weight issues were not all Josh-caused-- I have never been a slight woman. I'm solid, and strong...and yes, over-weight. But, in the three years I was with him I became morbidly obese. And, I had him everyday telling me that NO ONE would EVER love me like he did. He even told me that my parents didn't really love me, and he made me feel like I should be grateful to him because despite the fact that I was so unlovable he apparently did. Yet he was mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive towards me.
In my journey (which is not yet over) I've hurt a lot of people, because of the hurt I was feeling that someone else put there. I've been mean. I've been unjust, and unkind. And to be completely frank there were times after Cash died I really was unlovable-- but, I know I am strong and a person of good character, because I am trying so hard to fix myself so I can someday not just say I'm sorry to those I have hurt along the way, but show those people that have gotten me here that I am sorry.
And, I am so grateful. I am so grateful that I still love those two little boys with all of my heart-- without that love I wouldn't have gotten a 4.0 my last two terms at Lane, I would never have been that brave and flew over the ocean to begin with if it weren't for the love I feel for those boys. I wouldn't know that love like this existed if it weren't for them, and every day I look at their pictures in my room and it pushes me forward. I want to be a good healthy example for them, because they've been the best thing that has ever happened to me still.
Anyways, 4 years later (almost 5) I am still pushing forward. I am a 100lbs lighter. I am living proof that if you wanna fly you gotta let go of the shit weighing you down."
I am 57 lbs lighter than I was when I turned 28-- I have been changing and moving forward since 2008, and I had an awakening in the last eight months. I am strong. I know my worth. I am looking forward to celebrating my 29th trip around the sun, and ending my twenties a better person than when I started them.
I think for now I am going to go to sleep, think about my next blog (I have a couple ideas floating around in my head), and start fresh tomorrow. I can't beat myself up, all I can do is stop making such bad decisions. And, my first good, healthy decision of the new week is going to bed before 11pm.
Sleep well, sweet-world.
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