Keeping Up With Sari: 'Cause I, Gonna Make You See, There's Nobody Else Here, No One Like Me

My favorite workout buddy, Violet

I probably have The Pretenders stuck in my head today due to the fact that since Violet left me yesterday I've been kicking myself for not introducing her to the wonderful ways of Chrissie Hynde. Thank god there is always next week, right?

Plus, next week I'll have all three of the boogers for Monday, as Jess is homeschooling again. I'm trying to decide if I should do some sort of homeschool thing with them on Mondays, or if I should just continue my normal lessons on being fucking awesome with the kids. Meaning, I am my brashy-non-child-friendly-self, and treat them a little more like adults than I probably should-- giving them the freedom for them to be theirselves. There is nothing cooler than being you.

Today, I logged into Facebook for the first time in almost a month-- I have a few more days before I'll be fully active, and to be honest I kinda don't want to reactivate it at all, but I also don't want to feel any loneliness from missing anyone. And, I miss a lot of my hooping friends, and my family. So, I posted the following today:

"I'm not officially back yet. I'll be back in a few more days, but I was feeling guilty, and missing a lot of people (especially my hoopers), and I felt my sudden and abrupt absence needed some explaining-- especially after getting a mystery care package from the beautiful, talented and loving AJ the other day.

I am really struggling with a lot of big emotions, and a lot of life changes. There's been a lot of transitioning going on in my life (something one might think I would be a little use to by now), there was a lot of anger in me, and I felt a lot of negativity and I just really needed some time away, because I was not conducting myself with integrity-- I was hurting.

If you're a tarot reader and I tell you that I haven't done a single reading for myself in weeks that didn't have the Hermit in it, maybe you'll understand.

My heart is weighed down with a lot-- I have been perpetually sick since the 28th of December (in fact I have yet another note from the doctor's telling me not to go into work, but I'm going anyways), I've been bogged down with a lot of medical issues (aside from the random weird sickness) that has to do with my 'girl parts,' my anchor in Utah was gone for several weeks making it impossible for me not to run home (I think her three children helped tether me here in her absents), I've been missing my mother something fierce and feel like I have no one I can really talk to about it with, I've been crying non-stop in the privacy of my closet because I'm still dealing with a LOT of anger I feel about Landis-- and the only reason that's happening is because we recently learned that my Old Navy is getting closed (my location will be officially closed on the 26th of this month), and that store has been my constant, and my co-workers have really been there for me since I started there in 2011-- they even saw me through the ending of Marc and I's engagement, and helped tremendously when he was in the hospital. I love Old Navy At The Gateway Mall and it breaks my heart that soon I won't be there anymore.

Moreover, I'm sad about the miscarriage. I'm sad about all of my miscarriages. And, I'm angry. Really, really angry. I make jokes about how we'll just adopt a little Chinese girl, and she'll look just like gong-gong (my dad), but I hate the fact that my body doesn't create life, just kills it. I hate the fact that I've always felt broken, and it took until 2007 to diagnose me. I hate the fact that said diagnoses puts each of pregnancies at a 65% miscarriage rate opposed to the average women's 12%-- I hate being told that there's a 75% chance that carrying and birthing a life that we created just won't happen.

It's just a lot, and I just really feel that focusing on myself was needed for a little bit, without the extra random anger/bullying I felt every time I got on to facebook-- I mean, I can only call complete strangers 'chode monkey' so many times before it stops being funny.

In the meantime, I am really missing pictures of my niece, Zoey (I start crying every time I think about seeing her in April, when I'll be in Oregon again, and my sister and niece will be there too), and seeing pictures of the young Miss Ten Eyck so it won't be much longer before I am officially back."

I know I over-share online, but I also know that my over-sharing sometimes helps me and helps others. I have found encouragement, support, and love from the most unexpected places due to the fact that I over-share.

Anyways, I've been doing non-stop research, and proactively moving, taking care of my body, and trying to put as much love as I can into the people that are immediately around me. I've also been letting Marc take care of me. It's my hopes when I get back onto facebook, full-time, that I'll be in a better place than I was a month ago; physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This is last week's overview from MFP. I am under because of working out, not from eating too little.

Nutrition over-view from last week. My big goal was to eat less sugar. I did that!

One thing I was trying to do last week is try some new recipes while cutting out gluten. While experimenting in the kitchen I tried a new breakfast smoothie, an Avocado Raspberry Smoothie. And, it was delicious!