It's hard, everything in my life is hard. Don't get me wrong, I am mostly happy, but I think that's due to how I admit how difficult things are and then I'm seemingly able to deal with whatever is challenging me in that moment, deal with it, and move on.
I think the bestie said it best yesterday when she was comparing my depression in March to the depression I felt after losing Cash in 2009. Marc's final decision woke me up, and I snapped out of it. I'm still dealing with the back-lashes of being in deep depression for so long, but for the most part I am handling it in very healthy ways; sleeping enough, eating good foods, packing, being constructive, I am setting aside time every night to practice paced breathing, I am selling things, going to therapy consistently, and making a decision as to where I want to start my new chapter of life.
I am Oregon bound.
I have a few Lestat quotes that I keep in my back pocket (damn you, Anne Rice, you brilliant bastard), and one keeps circling around in my brain from QotD, I think:
"It's an awful truth that suffering can deepen us, give us a greater luster to our colors, a richer resonance to our words. That is if it doesn't destroy us, if it doesn't burn away the optimism and the spirit, the capacity for vision."
This situation, though sad, I have decided to not let it ruin me. This will not burn away my optimism, I'll keep on my journey towards always wanting to be a better version of myself than I was the day before, and my spirit will only be stronger.
I feel with everything that has gone on, and with all the growing I've done, that being completely devastated over someone who chose not to be with me feels silly. The fact that Marc can look me in the eye after a planned pregnancy, knowing that I am not done miscarrying (my hCG levels are nearly to zero-- Dr. Nance is saying one more week!) dump me, then ask me back with tears in his eyes, as his phone is in his hand receiving texts from girls he has met online, speaks volumes of his mental state, and the type of human he is choosing to be. Coming to the realization doesn't remove my sadness. I am just dealing with it one step at a time, one day at a time.
Marc and I have decided to consciously separate, meaning since I won't be completely out of our home until May 7th (and will be officially in Eugene May 9th), and he has agreed since he was the one who mainly wanted this pregnancy (and I have been unable to work the month of March) that he will help me relocate. He even agreed to certain things during a mediation the bestie held for us.
In the meantime, it's been hard and sad being here in our home still. I want to deal with everything properly, and pack things, and leave with my job intact-- but, having Marc behave the way he did/does, decide things the way he did, and then be completely miserable, because I'm unwavering in my own personal decisions hurts us both. And, makes me anxious, which can lead to poor decision making.
That's why I've been getting so much out of therapy. I feel as I make my decisions, and have so much time to discuss stuff with Jenny I have felt like I've been making the best choices I can make. It is hard turning off the part of my brain that says 'we' to 'me,' but I'm doing it. With every choice I am making I know I am deciding what will make me happier in the long-run.
Everything I have built here, everything that I have here, and everything I have become can easily transfer over to my hometown. I came for family love and support and I can still have that with my Utah family while I'm in Oregon.
I am scared, and I was preparing on moving back in 2016-- with Marc. But, I know in my heart that I can be happy, on my own, with myself.
It's a new decade (I'll be thirty on May 29th), a new city, a new life, a new me, and a new chapter.
I've decided the best way to celebrate is to make this the best summer, ever-- I am planning a lot of Oregon Adventures.
I am trying to get excited, get things done, be happy, take care of myself, allow myself to be vulnerable, and deal with sadness. I think I'm doing okay-- I'm just putting one foot in front of the other.
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