Barely Gettin' By-- It's All Takin' And No Givin'

My seasonal depression seemed to set in earlier than usual, however having school seemed to be the ultimate distraction. I plowed through Fall term with determination-- keeping my eye on my goals. I seemingly excelled for the first time in my adult life in an academic setting. I raised my GPA significantly, and even earned a B in my Math class.

In the meantime, December, was scheduled lightly at work-- lots of doubles and less days present at the facility, in the hopes to avoid care-giver burn out. It did not work. I was asked every single day to come in on my off days.

Then, in January it really sank in: financial aid never came through, I owed for my Fall Term, and all of my Winter Term classes were dropped. That's when the question first popped into my head, sometime in December while on winter break, only to work it's way from my brain, and really cement it's self into my soul:

"If I am not actively in class, why am I here? Why am I not in Florence?"

Since then I've been asking myself if I have made a mistake. I really don't feel like I have, logically: I am closer to Lane's campus, I am making a great deal more in the valley than in Florence (with a $2.22 pay increase from the start of 2018 versus the end of 2018), and I am expanding my knowledge and experience. I am closer, in proximity, to friends and family.

Then, right before I was to be engulfed in the abyss that is trying to figure out my life, it was time to go to Salt Lake, Utah, and see Jess, Ian, and my Littles. I was there just shy of two weeks-- it was needed, and I never left anyone's side while visiting, nor did I go and see anyone that wasn't directly related to the Compound. It may have been rude, and slightly selfish, but I just needed solace, time in Jess' bed, and lots of baby snuggles.

It was impossible to leave. But, here are some highlights from my visit:

Cheesecake Date with Kieran and Violet--

At the Cheesecake Factory

We went on a couple of hikes --

 

And a lot of time with my favorite Littles, and people --

 

 

Church with Mum-mum and Papa

 It was a really good family staycation, and I am really grateful we all had that time together. But, now that I am home, I am seemingly in deeper.

Thankfully, I know that feeling this low won't last too long. It stinks in terms of needing to start back up real life. It stinks in terms of planning our future, and executing said plans. It stinks in terms of not having 3 beautiful sets of eyes to gaze into and feel more inspired and in awe of life.

It stinks.

So, I have a game plan:
1- Today: I wallow. On Monday I had a surprise day off, and I forced myself out of the house to pick up my paycheck. Tuesday, I made myself go to the bank, and WinCo. Followed up by making some freakin' bomb ass Pad Thai. Today, I slept long and hard. I've spent most of my time naked. I have snuggled cats, and felt low, and been unapologetic about it. Today, I am not going to allow myself to fake anything, or force myself out of the house, I  will just be sad. Admit to being sad. A big portion of why I needed to go to see Jess, Ian, and the kids is because I feel sad.
2- Tomorrow, I will focus on being the best damn CNA I can possibly be. I will focus on 8 hours of five days-- I will focus on helping others, and feel good that I do what I do for a living. On my off time I will set and execute goals from each day. I will get those little things done; silently smashing the shit out of each and one of my daily goals, and I will high-five myself each night before bed. 

3- I will continue to try and make things work here in Springfield, but I will give things a timeline. I moved here with specific goals in mind, but I am not happy, and really haven't been happy the entire duration of me being back in Springfield. That being said; I worked fucking hard to move to Florence the first time. I worked fucking hard to move back to the valley. I can't keep doing this to Bradford, who, by the way, just says; "baby, I want whatever will make you happy."
4- I am going to practice gratitude like a mother trucker. That saying "Fake It Till You Make It," is sometimes the best thing I've been able to do for myself. If anything it's a great survival tool while wading water.
5- It's been a hard 8 months. I have learned and have grown so much. Now, may be a time for a lot of Tarot and self-care. I just need a lot of self-love and self-care.

In the meantime, aren't Kieran, Robin, and Violet just the sweetest grown up kids you've ever seen? I can't help getting emotional at the thought that they will be 16, 13, and 10 on their next birthdays. Where did the time go?!