It’s been the longest twelve days I’ve had in sometime.
I had Kieran for the entire summer. It was magic.
Well, I'd like to say it was. I mostly felt depressed I had him crammed into our small apartment. But, I already miss him so much. Honestly, I miss all three of the Littles, especially as they started back up at school yesterday.
It is so hard being away the older they get. It use to be, I felt bad being away from them, because they were small and I felt they "needed" me. Now, I feel their absence. I feel them not near. And, I watch them grow up in pictures, and in glimpses.
It makes me feel sad. I feel like all I've been doing is crying since the 11th with a steady increasing in crying on the 13th on. A continuous ball of tears, in a glass case of emotions.
Then on the way home from Utah, I drove back topless (tender breast), and I got a sickening feeling. What if I was pregnant? What if in all our carefulness and watchfulness, I ovulated late, and the unprotected sex I had with my husband on the 6th (the 16th day of my cycle) left me an emotional hot mess, because I was pregnant, and therefore going to miscarry again?
I'm four days late for my period, but I also have taken so many pregnancy tests I feel positive I am not pregnant.
However, I cannot help the emotions it has brought up, and the feeling like I can't talk to anyone about it. I felt nervous to even mention to my husband that I was taking a pregnancy test, because I didn't want to "upset" him-- we've been talking about possible adoption after Nursing school for the last couple of years, and we've decided to wait on any family planning.
This non-existent scare has me feeling sad, and lonely. Recently, there has been an onslaught of people in my life that are pregnant-- with six people in my life expecting. Did my body do this to me as a cry for attention? Did my body do this, as a result of everyone else's good news? Like I said, enough pregnancy tests have been negative to tell me to prepare for a bad period at this point, but instead I feel like crying and being a shut in.
The other day one of my girlfriends asked me if I was excited even a little bit (at the prospect of being pregnant). I told her about the last time I got excited. I sat and recounted my experiences: my three "chemical" pregnancies while with my ex prior to Hawai'i (2006-2008) (chemical meaning obtaining an at home positive test, only to start my period prior to confirming the pregnancy), and then the pregnancies after Hawai'i-- the one confirmed by blood test through Papaver Midwifery in 2010-- I miscarried on a trip to Oregon while visiting my mama with my ex, my miscarriage in 2013-- my longest pregnancy, and the healthiest I've been in my adult life, and my ectopic pregnancy in 2014-- we tried for this pregnancy, and even got our positive test on my ex's birthday.
These last two weeks have left me feeling hollow as I've thought about the last three pregnancies and losses in particular. This feeling has left me with time to evaluate friendships, work relationships, and my partnership with Bradford. While letting the negative engulf me, and the dark drag me down for the week I've explored feeling crappy: I feel empty. I feel sad. I feel fat, and bloaty. I feel like binging all the time. I feel unhealthy, and unwanting to leave my house. I feel ashamed and unable to move on from the past. I feel like I should be above and beyond this.
And, I feel like a mother without a baby.
So, when people ask me if I'm happy to have my house back, that isn't an appropriate question. I gave my baby back to his family last week. Thankfully, most anyone that matters in my life has just asked "how have you been without Kieran?" (Thank you, guys.)
But, mostly, the last week I've felt, in my heart, that I am a mother without a baby.
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