Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve upon the silence? --Shirdi Sai Baba

I've been sad, mostly missing last year's Christmas season with the kids. I keep telling myself not to worry, the littles are a letter and a phone call away, and that I should focus on my new little life and the simple Christmas I am having this year. However, during this time of year it is particularly good to be young and even though Juliet (my friends' almost two year old) provides a level of joy in my life, I am left feeling empty, not having nearly enough little loves in my life.

I hope that Kieran, Liam, and Violet know that I try to make all our memories special. In my absence, they remember, and are reminded with each of my visits, how much I love them, and how special our time together is, and how special they are.

Speaking of visits, I don't know if I want to go to Salt Lake City for a visit in February. It seems too soon, and the idea is painful. I am finally feeling the last several months there, and I am unsure of these original plans. There is always the option of asking Jess to come here instead, but it is hard with her job pinning down any dates...and, I want to see the kids, and the Utah moms, and my Old Navy family.

We'll see.

In the meantime, Bradford and I have been together for 6 months. The 6 best months I have ever experienced while simultaneously feeling other big things.

There are a number of incredible things about our relationship, but some of them are as simple as we never tire of one another. I am sometimes surprised by the ease and brevity of our conversations, to the rich, deep significance of our words to one another, especially when we are snuggled up to one another. I relish every moment we have together, and whenever we are back together again I can't wait to tell him the things that happened in his absence.

Our incredibleness together makes me feel so grateful at my decision to not force a relationship in Salt Lake that wasn't working, and to wait for a partner that is my best friend. I feel we are both so well suited for one another based upon the fact that we both know who we are, what we want, what our worth is to ourselves, and our worth coming into a functional relationship. Plus, I can tell him literally, anything.

Lately, I have been feeling less than stellar about myself. I have the tendency to have questionably low self-esteem at times. The other day I was mentally beating myself up; feeling like I wasn't good enough to be in my relationship, for a variety of reasons. I explained to Bradford that I wished he had met me 18 to 24 months ago-- that I felt like I really had things together, personally, at work, health wise, in my home, and I felt proud. 

The conversation that proceeded left me feeling light in my heart, blessed, and grateful at my decision in agreeing to pursue a relationship with one another. 

Sometimes, it feels strange to feel so strongly, and flamboyantly in love, when at the start of the year I was with someone else. Then I realize that feeling is only there because of the fear of what others may say, or think. But, I have noticed that anyone that matters, anyone close to me-- loves me happy. 

For the most part, I recognize happiness, even in the haze of sorted grief. And, I am excited to see what the future holds as we build each other and our lives up together. I am excited to be with him as I continue on my journey, and I am certain that the last six months has set the pace to something great.