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| January 29, 2015, Hobbit Beach, Florence, Oregon |
Yesterday, Brad and I celebrated 273 incredible days of dating, or 9 months since our first date. Unfortunately, it looks like Brad caught whatever tummy bug I caught from the kids, so there was mostly a lot of resting going on around my house, but it was still terrific.
My recent trip to Utah, matched with this monthly Anniversary celebrating we do, has given a deeper respect and understanding of the man I am with.
First, I feel like I should mention that Brad helped my trip be amazing, by simply letting me have it all to myself.
My ex has some pretty extreme mental illness, and despite us no longer having a functional relationship last May everything was about him. All things last Spring was all about Marc, and how things effected him. So much so, that I very recently have been dealing with my resentment of him ruining my last days in Utah with my loved ones, and then later trying to paint it out as if they were our friends.
Last May while preparing to move things were incredibly grating and difficult, for a variety of reasons, the main one being I didn't have a second to myself, or a moment to even wrap things up with my family appropriately before moving from Utah to Oregon. I really feel that my recent trip, despite being short, really made up for some of the anger I felt about not saying goodbye the way I wanted to.
Bradford missed me during my long weekend away, and I missed him. However, these emotions felt healthy, because I had no all consuming fears ever present in my mind while I wasn't with him during the duration of my trip. I didn't want to be with Brad to ensure his behavior continued being savory in my absence, I didn't have an all-consuming fear of him abusing drugs, or alcohol while I was cooking dinner for my family in another state. I didn't feel it necessary to worry about what he may be doing while I wasn't around. And, he didn't continually call, text, message, and hound me while I was away.
I guess, my deeper respect resonates with having this recent comparison in my mind.
Before I left, Bradford and I both spoke with one another about some fears we had. Brad mentioned to me at one point, that while I was working one night he got this repeating scary thought in his head where he worried I would go to Utah, and decide to leave him to go back to overseeing Primrose Cottage and being responsible for Marc's general upkeep. Though, not rational, He was worried I would leave him for Marc while visiting Salt Lake City. I then told him my fear of being overly curious about the house. How badly I wish it was still my house, because I love it, and how I was worried I would run into Marc, and I would have little control of emotions, and would be unable to control my anger.
Just being able to verbalize these things with my partner feels like an unreal blessing.
Moreover, the last several months I have been blown away by the support I've received while addressing some of my immediate personal goals:
1) I am going in to take my written test for my Oregon license next week.
2) I have health insurance.
3) I have a list of therapists that take my insurance and their numbers so I can make an appointment.
4) I have brand new glasses, as all of my glasses have either bit the dust, or vanished over the last couple years. Hooray for seeing!
5) I have a new Polypro.
6) I am managing my own space, and helping Bradford prepare to rejoin the academic world.
7) I was able to take care of a bunch of legal stuff, and had my last letter on the 10th dismissing me from a mishap.
8) I have a couch, kitchen table, small debts are being paid off (slowly but surely), and my kitchen is really coming together.
9) I have plans of building back up Buckleberry Hoops, especially in the Fall months as we settle into Corvallis living.
10) I have really focused on self-care the last two months over all other things. When I say 'self care' I don't just mean eating the right foods, or exercising a certain amount-- I wanted to place those goals on hold, and really focus on stressing less, and learning to manage my emotions a little better.
***This was recently found in my draft box, and I felt I'd share since tomorrow (6-18-2015), is Bradford and I'd 1 year anniversary.
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